Jessnelvis, your story could just have easily been written by me, as I am going through exactly the same thing. My problem is a stepson, however. I have been in his life 9 years, and have slowly watched him get worse and worse, and not from my lack of trying, but for his fathers' lack of support and letting him get away with things like they are no big deal. I truly dislike him, and he dislikes me. He will be 18 in a year and has told us he will be leaving (to where he has no idea). I hope he does before I end up on Prozac.....

Jessnelvis, you are still at a very early stage of your marriage where it is not too late to turn things around. You need to ask your DH for a parenting contract. Tell him that you came into the marriage with expectations about how his children would behave and would be raised and he is not the man you believed him to be in that regard (use strong language, he's telling you that you've changed, show him what you think of him too, don't be afraid). Tell him that for you to live in a house with these children you have a right to the expectation of a certain standard of behavior and the enforcement of appropriate consequences when that behavior is demonstrated. Tell him that in successful marriages parents agree on how the children will be expected to behave and SUPPORT each other when those expectations are not met by backing the consequences that each partner delivers.

Spell out item by item the things that need to change:

1) Cover the lying
2) Cover issues related to attitude and treatment of others
3) Cover grades and school performance
4) Cover household chores
5) List the consequences for violating each of the above items
6) Ask for his help in developing the contract and then ask that both of you sign it along with the children.

Then everyone in the house knows what's expected and what is coming if those expectations are met.

Again I empathize. Hard when you have diff parenting styles. I parent my daughter waaaaaay diff then my b/f parents his kids. I think sticking to your guns and being true to tourself is always the only way to go. It may be costly in the short term but those kids will remember later on that you were the constant and you said what you meant. That goes a long way especially if they are raised without boundaries or proper discipline. It's hard though, Im in the same place Im just not married to him. You have to compromise a lot when you get into these types of relationships.

I am on this path too.

One thing I have learned is no matter what your intentions are, some kids can't understand them. My stepdaughter is out of control and I worry about her constantly. She won't listen to reason. So I have come to the point where you have to step back, no matter how painful the consequences are. She will have to attend the "school of hard knocks" in order to learn that bad behavior and lying have no rewards in the real world, i.e. daddy can't stop your boss from firing you!!

I hate to sound heartless... BUT ....it's sad to watch a kid self-destruct, but you need to keep your own sanity. My BF was angry at my constructive criticism of my SD. In my case, I have other children to nurture and I can't be angry and take care of them too. I can't be a good partner if my BF is pissed at me all the time either. So I "sneak" in suggestions when he vents about SD to me. He seems to take it better that way. I try to be supportive but neutral. (It's a fine line to walk, but I try)

Jessnelvis...WOW. What you wrote easily could've been written by me. You're living my life, except that BF & I aren't married yet (dating for 6 yrs, living together for the last 2).

SD15 is exactly like yours - she manipulates BF, she lies, she just tells him what she's doing (instead of asking his permission), she hasn't done some of the things yours has done but has done others. She is mini-me of BM - a liar, manipulator, thinks that getting attention from boys by dressing like a slut for school & parties means that it's a GOOD thing, etc... I just posted about this a couple of weeks ago, but I absolutely cannot stand the whole lack of discipline & lack of consequences thing. Enough is enough with these divorced dads!! What are they thinking?

For example, here, SD15 failed math all of last year in 9th grade. Every report card she kept promising BF she'd do better, study more, do her work, go for extra help. From the beginning of the school year, I offered to her & to BF & BM that I'd tutor her, FOR FREE (I have a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics!!!!). They never took me up on the offer...

Every report card the teacher's comments said things like "student working below her ability level." or "student not doing homework assigned" or "erratic test scores" or whatever. Every report card he kept threatening to ground her, to take her cell phone away, etc... BF NEVER DID ANYTHING TO PUNISH HER. BF told SD15 that if she failed math for the year, she'd be grounded for the summer & she'd have to go to summer school. SD15 got a 65 (I'm sure the teacher just "pushed" her through, if you know what I mean) - she literally passed by the skin of her nose - and this was "acceptable" to BF & he did NOTHING about it. AHHHHH!!!! Oh, any by the way, BF keeps telling me he's going to give her chores to do - still hasn't...

So now SD15 is in 10th grade, but only now this year she's not only failing math but she's ALSO failing science, too!! Every report card it's the same crap - the teacher's comments say "student not completing required work/labs" or "student is in danger of not being eligible to sit for Regents exam" or "student working below actual ability level" - HELLO?!? THE TEACHER IS LITERALLY TELLING YOU YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS HELP, IS BEING LAZY, IS NOT STUDYING, IS IN DANGER OF SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES...and BF just says to SD15 "Promise me you'll do better next quarter, or I'm going to turn your cell phone off." I just slap my forehead like "DOPE" (picture the way Homer Simpson just says "DOPE").

When I try to talk to BF about this, he gets VERY, VERY defensive: "Stop telling me what to do and how I should raise MY DAUGHTER. I have it all under control. Don't worry about her - she's my problem to deal with, not yours." Basically a "mind your own business" type of attitude. I try to lovingly tell him that SD15 is headed on a course straight for disaster, but he doesn't listen. It's like his head is literally buried in the sand.

Oh, and by the way, BM is no help whatsoever when it comes to school & bad behavior. As a matter of fact, she encourages it. She probably thinks being SD15's best friend & being "cool" is most important. BM was an unwed mother herself at 17 & didn't even graduate from high school. She was "damsel in distress" when BF met her...and she was dependent on him (intentionally) ever since. She uses people like it's no big deal, still thinks she can live off of BF's child support, barely ever works, is on the "slutty" side (to put it mildly), encourages SD15 to dress like a tramp, wear dark black heavy makeup, shirts with cleavage hanging out, encourages SD15 to get tattoos, body piercings, is into witchcraft, wicca...all of this abnormal crap.

I've disengaged, as hard as it was for me I had no other choice. Other than to leave BF & end my relationship with him over it. I refuse to give SD15 control or adult status, with that or with anything else in my life. I feel like I'm watching a train wreck just waiting to happen...and I'm standing back and letting her learn from her mistakes. I won't lie, it's really hard, because I see potential in SD15, but her BM's school of "sit back & be lazy & let other people take care of you - no need to work" is winning out.

Milomom believes strongly in the "School of hard knocks" with a major in "tough love". Sorry I know I sound harsh and not loving, but I'm not.

Milomom, jessnelvis,hooliejulie71, Wow! I can't believe there are so many of you out there like me! Here I was feeling so alone and quilty for how I felt about my SS! I too have realized that to save my sanity I am going to have to disengage, step back, and let him fall. I think that is the only way he and his father are going to see that everything I have been trying to do was not me just "nagging him about everything". It is really hard though, I am finding out, to see something going on and not say anything. It's not in my nature to be that way, but I am not going to let this affect my relationship with my husband anymore than it already has. I'm sure my SS would love to see me leave, but it's not happening. He'll be 18 in a year, so deep down I am hoping HE'LL be the one that leaves......! He says he wants to anyway.