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Teenage ad help

Newby_sm18's picture

I'm so new to this so please bear with me. I am desperate for help or maybe I just need someone to talk to. Stepparenting is hard. I have been with my husband for 2 and a half years. We just had a baby boy. I have a 9 year old daughter (father passed when she was a baby) my husband has a 13 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter. His 13 year old is not biologically his. Her father passed away when she was 3. So basically we have a very diverse and different blended family. For the most part everything is very good and positive. Although things have gradually gotten tense and I'm starting to feel like I'm going to snap. My 13 year old sd pushes limits like a typical 13 year old girl but has always been a extra snippy and sometimes downright mean to my daughter. My daughter often cries when no one else is around and she makes me promise I wont tell anyone. She asks me why I don't stick up for her and it crushes me. I've told her I want her to stick up for herself and if it doesn't stop then I'll step in. (I'm big on letting kids resolve their own issues, minor ones of course) Anyway it's gotten worse and worse. I can see that my sd is jealous and I understand so I've tried to explain it to my daughter and tried to be patient.  It is getting to the point I worry about my daughter's safety. I dont want to leave them alone together.  I see so much hate and anger in my sd. She has even acknowledged it. Shes asked me to take her to counseling but unfortunately we cant bc neither of us are her biological parent and her mother says its unnecessary. Anyway it gets worse and more complicated.  I was pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. My sd had a complete meltdown when she found out I was having a boy. "She hates boys and says they are mean and we will love him more." I have no idea where these thoughts came from. Then halfway through the pregnancy we lost the girl. As heartbreaking as it was it was even harder bc she openly didnt want a boy around. After he was born she refused to come to the hospital and refused to come to our house for about 3 weeks. He is now 11 weeks old now and she does come over but wont hold him, touch him, or look at him. She has sent me articles about how boys are a burden to families and do nothing but cause problems. She also sends me articles about why the youngest sibling is hateful, mean, and spoiled. I have not responded much to these things because honestly it makes me mad. It hurts my feelings and I'm starting to feel scared for both my children. Ive seen her sudden bursts of anger and I'm afraid shes going to lose control. I love my sd and I'm very worried about her. I think she is very unhappy. I don't know what to do. I am exhausted and grieving and I feel like I've held in my feelings for so long I might snap. I dont want to make her feel worse shes obviously going through something. Yes her father and I have talked about it and he sees what I see but I dont know that he understands how much it has affected me. I'm scared she will tear us apart. I want to find her help and I want to stand up for my kids but I dont know how to do it productively. Any advice is appreciated.  

justmakingthebest's picture

If BM wont take her to counseling it seems like her visits need to stop. I am sure BM likes having you guys be the babysitters. If she wants that to continue, she needs help. Otherwise, maybe DH can do something with just her for a couple of hour outting for once a month, but she needs to stop coming over to your house. 

amyburemt's picture

your DH do to stop this behavior? I think you and your dh need to get together and decide on boundaries and consequences for all of the kids and then present them to the kids during a family meeting. The important part is that you both are on the same page and that the things you decide will be stuck to.  things like being outright mean to other people in the family should not be tolerated and should have a swift consequence.