SS brings his friends over a lot
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Hello all. My 16 yo SS is very extroverted and has a lot of friends. He's been starting to bring his friends over every night he is here. We live in a very small apartment, so when they're over, I or my DH and I have to huddle upstairs in our bedroom though we can still hear all the noise. This is a new thing, and my dh is very happy that his son is bringing over his friends, so that he can keep tabs on them. But I am having a very difficult time with it because they take over our home. What do I have right to? This is SS's home to and I want to be fair.
I'd try to handle it
Back in the 70s when all 5 kids lived here, they all had their friends at our house. I'd often think, " Dont they have homes?" One time I read, ""The most important guests you'll ever have in your home are your kids friends". I think thats true so you can size them up, get a feel for the vibe and know what they are all doing.
It's reasonable to have boundaries around how late, how loud, basic courtesies and food consumption.
You're paying the bills, he
You're paying the bills, he isn't. You get to limit the disruption in your home. How about limiting the visits to Friday evenings only and everyone has to be gone by 11pm? The kid doesn't get to rule the roost. OTOH, you want him to see his friends.
No WAY does he get to invite his pals over 24/7.
Thank you. Your suggestions
Thank you. Your suggestions seem sensible and I feel validated in terms of my need for parameters around this issue. I was having a hard time thinking straight about it. My SS is not very respectful towards me, and I was reacting pretty badly to the idea of an apartment full of teens who shared his attitude about me as an adult in the house. But despite that, I understand my dh's wish to have his son's friends around and the reality is not as bad as I fear.
My parents home was one of the primary go too homes in
the neighborhood when we were growing up.
Mom was the get all the kids together, pile them in the Scout and head to the mountains for the day neighborhood mom.
Our son did not have friends over, nore did he spend a lot of time at the homes of friends. His cousins were at our home frequently and he was at theirs.
My SS is a different kind of kid/person than either his mom or I were. He is extremely introverted. He had friends and a social life in HS. He just rarely if ever initiated social activities. He did regularly go if he was invited.
So our house rarely had any of his friends in it.
My BS is introverted and
My BS is introverted and never had anyone over (he is a little older than my SS), so I don't have experience with this. I told dh that I would be very happy if my son brought his friends over to the house, so I understand that. Would love that and getting to know his friends. Rightly or wrongly, it's a different experience currently with me than with my dh because SS and I are not on the best of terms and I have almost zero familiarity with his friends. So when six big-ass teens show up who I don't know, it's not that comfortable for me.
I get that it is not comfortable. DH should manage this.
Tell him that your small apartment is not the place to be the daily flop house for SS's herd of large hungry friends.
If necessary, work with DH to set up an altenate location for SS and his friends to hang out. If you life in an apartment, does your residence have a club room, etc...
We used to have parties at the clubroom in our apt complex when SS was in 8-10th grades. Not regularly but occassionally. The first party in the clubroom I asked all of the kids present if they wanted an adult there. The answer was a resounding "NO!". I then told them that they were old enough to be unsupervised but if I had to come back I would call every parent to come pick up their kid... after they scrubbed every square centimeter of the clubroom. And... never again would there be another partyfor them or my Skid. They were loud, they were kids, but they did not tear anything up or cause any complaints.
I only had that talk one time. After that, they would start their party with a recounting of my statement and all of the kids were clear whether they were at the first party or not.
When we would drop SS off at a part at one of his friend's houses, we would go in to meet the parents. More than one parnet commented that we were the ones who gave the start of party message to the kids. Not one parent ever took exception to that message and several told us they had adopted that for their kids' group of friends.
This is not rocket science. Hold them accountable for age appropriate behavior, communicate directly the clear expecations and the consequences if they choose to do otherwise.
Good luck.
Set limits. Enforce them.
Friends.
Set days where there will be no friends over. You set the limit. Let DH know that SS visitation days cannot all include hsi friends invading your home.
It has to be, or at least should be, a balance. Your DH should respect and enforce your wishes.
Communicate
I agree with Rags, maybe he can have friends over on M, W, F vs every day. Also, if you don't want to deal with them, maybe those can be your workout days *biggrin*
Yes limits
Thanks for your feedback. My dh and I were both trying to figure out how to handle this without being jerks. I think people's instincts are usually right. We were both feeling a little put out, and I think it's good to get that confirmed and start to set parameters.