SD15 has taken her toll on my health and happiness - need advice
At the beginning I did not handle the situation with my DH, SD15 and BS3 very well. Things happened that hurt. She was disrespectful to me and disdainful to my little boy when we joined them for a beach holiday. I was too busy trying to be kind and understand her feelings to stop and think what was unfolding. SD15 ignored and was rude to us when we all went anywhere, talked to her Dad about the good old days or sulked. Referred to me as "she" when I was in the room. I told him that I wanted to back away a few times if he did not parent and insist on respectful behaviour. She seemed to crave date like activities with her Dad like dinners. At parties she loves standing at his side. She loves going with him when he buys clothes for example and will physically push past me to be beside him at the point of sale.
We are doing allot better now but in the meantime my health, my job and my level of contentment and energy to mother my own child has suffered. This situation was occurring 50% of my life and I was stressed. I blamed myself that I should not let a teenager get to me. She is very attached to her Dad and very deliberate in her actions.
I read a book called "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin, discovered "disengaging" and DH and I have been seeing a counsellor together. The counsellor is such an asset because she is practical and sensible and helps us make sure we look after our relationship.
DH has done amazingly well to catch on. He listens and reads and tries to get it. It is hard in his position to have his parenting questioned I would imagine.
I know it is not SD's fault. She has an angry Mum who is upset her Dad has remarried and her Dad spoilt her allot. He took her to places and hung out with her on weekends before I was on the scene. Ofcourse she is unhappy about her demotion to normal teenage daughter. We make sure they still do at least one activity together each weekend to keep a balance and that they just get some hang out time in the house together. For my part it is nice to get out with my little boy or by myself too. It feels claustrophobic as she does not go out like I did at her age. She appears to wait to spend time with her Dad.
So my 2 question are
1) how do I heal the old wounds now things are better? Probably sounds silly but part of me is still hurting from the holidays/Christmas/celebratiions/our wedding/weekends she has pulled all her tricks on. I still feel mad with him sometimes for the old stuff and it just wells up inside me.
2) SD15 has no activities on weekends on weeknights (only study and choir) and seems addicted to her Dad. Does anyone have a similar situation? How can I influence DH to promote her increased independence? She is 16 in 2 weeks and has only caught public transport for the first time recently (my suggestion). Or should I stay out of it and just get out when I feel claustrophobic? Disengage?
Does anyone else have a SD15 who acts jealous and is premeditated in her actions? Mine will not go out unless it is with her Dad. We have to suggest having a friend around. If he suggests she does anything independent like walk 10 minutes from school or catch a bus she rings her Mum and gets her to stop it. He is trying but feels he is fighting a losing battle. I just know she will sit around the house all summer holidays she is with us even thought she will be 16.
Just venting here has helped!
Thankyou for sharing that.
Thankyou for sharing that. You are right. Him saying he understands will help.
Yes yes yes. You can read my
Yes yes yes. You can read my blogs. SD15 is a PITA. She pushes her way through to her dad when we walk around, the paying in line thing was spot on for me too. She walks right past me to stand practically under him.
I've done the same as you, I've given them space to interact alone. There is an SS12 too, so she isn't completely alone, but her problem is with me mostly. She's been dad's girl since she was born. even while married to his first wife he treated her this way. I told him this too. Not sure really what or if he is going to do anything about it, but the last weekend she was here he and I did really well together. This weekend, not so sure. One of SO's problems is being able to maintain.
I can't really help you with getting over the resentment. I am not. I don't care for SD.
I don't have any advice for
I don't have any advice for you unfortunately because I am in the exact same predicament. I hurt..I don't feel special as a wife because I see SD11 and her father snuggling together and he is holding her the way he holds me...I don't feel like part of the family...last Thanksgiving I cooked the whole meal SD11 set the table and took it upon herself to "seat" everyone. I was "seated" at the end of the table like the hired help no where near my husband and she was sitting at the head of the table right by his side...It causes me to resent her and him and to doubt myself so I surely understand how you feel. I never get too comfortable when things seem to be better because they always go South again.
I'd have stood right next to
I'd have stood right next to her and and said, "Excuse me, but you're in my chair."
I said "wow, I don't even get
I said "wow, I don't even get to sit next to my husband at Thanksgiving??" MIL spouted off that aw she just wants to sit next to her daddy...she is a daddy's girl you know that. What do you say when everyone thinks that poor pitiful little SD11 without a mother (which isn't true..SD11 chooses not to see her mother often because BM doesn't have the means financially to constantly entertain SD so she doesn't want to see her mother)who doesn't get to spend every waking hour with her father(because he works) should get anything she wants! This is crazy!
I'm not married to my guy,
I'm not married to my guy, we're simply a domestic partnership, but he has two children from a previous marriage and they visit for weeks at a time. One of the SK is (now) 14 years old (going on 21) and has been a problem for me since I first met her. I first met her when she was 12 and it was a first for me as I had never been involved with someone who had kids. After the initial meeting, I was invited to hang out with them one afternoon and the SD had a melt down when she saw my boyfriend kiss me. Since then she's had so many meltdowns that I've lost count. I eventually went on to experience the awkwardness of the SD acting a little too cozy with her father, being extremely possessive of her father, physically getting in between me and him whenever she could, speaking French as a way to keep me out of the conversation, always talking about their life before me, and flat out saying things like she didn't like me and didn't want me doing things with them. In other words, she did everything she could to make me feel like I did not belong when they visited their father. My boyfriend did very little to stop her behavior. Instead he would simply tell me that she didn't really know what she was doing and that she was only going to be there for a short while and then it would be just the two of us again. He failed to see that not stopping her behavior was hurting more people than just me. It was also sending her the wrong kind of message - daddy doesn't think what you're doing is so bad, but daddy's girlfriend does. It made me out to be the bad guy in all of it. At least that's how I felt. This went on for the first two years of our relationship. I would dread their impending arrival every time they came for a visit. In fact, I would get so worked up over it that I eventually was diagnosed with IBS. Let me tell you, not a fun thing to have.
Since then things have changed. She is now 14, almost 15, and is out of control. She smokes (has been for some time), likes to drink, has a terrible relationship with her mother, has been shunned by her maternal grandparents because of her behavior, and is now in boarding school because of her awful attitude. She has now gone from disliking me to flat out loathing me and not wanting to see me at all. When she is forced to spend any time with me she ignores me and acts as thought I'm not in the room. She's not afraid to talk back to me and to tell me pretty rude and nasty things. She does not hide her feelings for me. She is bossy, manipulative, a bully, and knows damn well what she's doing. Anyone who tells me otherwise needs to have their head examined. She also doesn't want to spend any time with her father now. She has threatened to request that his parental rights be dissolved, but we all know that won't happen because his ex-wife likes the child support too much to let her do it. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has them for visitation per the divorce agreement and is required to "take the kids" every six weeks for two weeks and for five during the summer. He has recently started sending her to camps in an effort to keep her away since she insists on acting so badly towards us and tells him that she doesn't want to see him, especially not me.
I recently spent a week and a half with her and it was one of the worst weeks I've spent with her since I met her. She's has become a truly awful child and only ever says nasty and hurtful things to her father and me. But she's more than willing to talk to her father when she wants something from him. I've told him time and time again that she should not be allowed to get away with that sort of behavior. It took 2.5 years, but I think he's finally listening to my suggestions.
I'm telling you this because being in a relationship with someone who has children who might possibly hate you is damn hard. Relationships are hard enough as it is and when you through in a disrespectful and hating SK in the mix it makes it that much harder. If you love your husband and you know that deep down he's a good guy then stick with it and it will hopefully will get better for you. Having said that, you're the only person who knows how much you can take. Give this time, but don't give it too much of your time because you count as much as the SD does and your husband needs to see that and show it.
Wow...I think we all have a
Wow...I think we all have a lot in common. I also have a SD14 that has mini-wife status. My DH and i are curerently separated...partly because of her. I don't know how I will ever have a relationship with her. She even lays on her dad just as some of you have described above. She is nothing but DRAMA. I am glad that I have a refuge to go to for peace and serenity. Since me and DH separated, I have need seen her. She has sent a message to my sister that just said that she was sorry...and that was it. I cannot even begin to look at her right now. I am also angry at DH that he allowed it to get this far. We are currently in counseling...UGH
Thankyou for all your
Thankyou for all your comments. It feels less lonely and weird that weird teenage SD behaviours are part of your every day life. This is a good site. "Mini-wife" made me laugh out loud and go "eeewww" at the same time. Also the link the the article was great. So helpful. Thanks for the honesty. The place at the table is a big deal I agree. My SD15 always tried that one for months. I could not believe how blatant her tactics were and yet how clever and guarded she was at the same time. She has figured when I am on to her and that her Dad and I talk so she adjusts her tactics each week. At the beginning there was the standing next to him and touching/stroking his arm, eating chips off his plate when there were perfectly good chips on her on plate, my favourite was the lean forward and gently scooping the froth off his cappuccino. He did not notice any of it. I felt like I was in some bizarre parallel universe. In my case it genuinely feels like he is totally unaware.
My SD15 would insist on coming to parties with us, dressing up and standing right next to her Dad wherever he moved. This was crazy especially when it was my son's 3 year old friend's parties. DH would try to stand next to me, I would be busy doing Mum stuff so couldn't always stand next to him, she would follow him and end up plastered to his side and on it went. I was embarrassed and had enough at one party so took him aside to suggest that it was not a good look especially at a children's party that she insisted on going to and then proceeded to show no interest in any of the children including my son, her step brother. He said "It is a little uncomfortable" and immediately suggest she walk home as she seemed bored. He notices it every time now and she has stopped. What on earth goes on in his head to not notice in the first place? Why do I have to point it all out and suffer in the meantime? It is like he just isn't switched on at all. Why do men think they can parent 50% with a teenage daughter. It is crazy.
I realise that one reason I struggle is also that my parents and I had a fairly traditional relationship when I was a teenager. I loved my Dad but as a Dad and I never questioned that Mum was his partner and my status was that of teenage daughter. My parents did things together or with us but I would never have dreamed of acting like my Dad's partner. It would have appalled me. In this weird universe of mini-wife/guilty daddy I feel like an explorer without a compass. I used to be so angry and sad that at last I found my perfect partner and it turned out someone else believed she owned him - his teenage daughter - cringe - oh and not to forget his angry ex. Has anyone else found that demeaning and a big bummer?
ps I notice that other people apologise for ranting so apologies if anyone has bothered reading through my venting
CDAlla, First of all, please
CDAlla,
First of all, please do not ever apologise for anything you post! We are here to support each other!
(BLEAH) I can totally identify with you when you said that you "found your perfect partner..." I also feel this way. But the in the last year whenever SD14 needed something...he was there. When BMDrama called...he was there. The one time I needed him more than I ever needed him....he was not there for me. In fact...he asked me to move out. Since then he has apologised repeatedly. I just don't know if things will ever change. I do know that I will NEVER move back in "mini-wife's" house (she repeatedly reminded me that the house was her daddy's...and not mine...funny...my name is on the deed you little snot!).
My SD14 acts the EXCACT same way. She even lays on the couch with her leg across my husband. It makes me VERY uncomfortable. He is her dad...I get that...but there is a line that should not be crossed. She is not a little girl anymore. I have pointed this out to my DH, and so has numerous other family and friends. The problem is he is a guilty daddy for putting her "through so much" that he allows it to continue. Before we separated, she would pull him back into her room for HOURS every night. I swear she would make something up just so she could have him to herself. UGH! Now that we are separated, she gets him all to herself. Now she is living there pretty much full time. I miss my DH dearly....but I am not going to play second fiddle to a "mini-wife". UGH! Oh...and I not only have 1 angry ex's to deal with....I have 2
In the world of guilty daddy with a "mini-wife"...I also feel like I need a compass because that way of thinking is beyond my comprehension..
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
OMG Anxious...that pretty
OMG Anxious...that pretty much described their father/daughter relationship. i never looked at it that way before.
Yeah, I was pretty
Yeah, I was pretty disappointed that i hooked up with a man like this too.
*sigh*
it has helped me to talk to SO a bit about this though. I discussed a little of what is in my blog here with him.
http://steptalk.org/node/52507
Not the blog itself of course. I'm still in hiding on here.
OK help me. SD15 is here this
OK help me. SD15 is here this week and I am struggling more than I ever did.
Before she has been sulky and disrespectful to me, my son and my parents and friends. After a while DH started seeing the behaviour but not before I had to gone through quite a lot of effort and pain to get him to wake up. Each time he addresses something she miraculously changes to please him sometimes overnight. It is so intense watching that kind of acting. OK an I admit it has made me think less of him that he is so gullible.
This time she was totally different to a week ago. From sulking and sullen to Mary Poppins. This time she is sweetness and light and all over my 3 year old who she used to ignore. She especially does this in front of her Dad. We just bought a holiday apartment at the beach and have not officially told her but I suspect she knows (she loves money and status and gets $100/week from her dad for doing nothing so seems to think money equals love) and that is part of the change. Man I feel guilty writing this but I am so fearful that she will want to stay with us 100% of the time and I hate how much all of this stuff has impacted on me. By venting here, I want to get better at all this. I love the support and other people's stories. I love that other good people have the same thing happening to them and that they are learning to cope.
The only consistent behaviour is that behind his back or even in front of him she is still disdainful and cold to me. I am always kind to her and do not change my manner which is naturally warm. My belief is that when I change myself and my nature then I will lose myself to this situation. This is one weird situation, ok I will just say it, it is like sharing a house with someone's jilted and conniving ex.
Her Mum got pregnant deliberately with her to keep him. He had just said he wanted to leave and that last make up sex was his big mistake. He is old fashioned and stayed for his child. Her Mum said to him when he said he finally wanted to leave - after 14 years - "I will go for the jugular and make sure your daughter hates you.". She is a tough and calculating player. I believe SD15 is tough, calculating and manipulative like her Mum. I even think her Mum is coaching her. How does an SD15 get so good at acting? Am I getting paranoid?
Help me because I was filled with a really negative feeling as this all unfolded this morning. Her standing over me and my son (very new behaviour) and offering helpful play suggestions (only when Daddy had came in the room). My DH seemed so distant to me. I am a consistent and honest person. I always lose to a game player. I feel like this is some game that i do not even understand and it is doing my head in. I dislike especially anyone being insincere around my little boy. Help me.
Why does the feeling stay with me? It is destructive and I am angry at myself for not just getting on with my life.
ps I had several escapist
ps I had several escapist thoughts this morning. Why didn't I stay a single Mum? Sure it was hard by I had dignity and sanity. We could have kept dating until he parented his daughter to independence.