SD refusing to visit BD because of me
First off let me say I am sooooooooo glad I found this site. It has really help me realize me and my husband are not alone!!! Now the reason I am here. I would really appreciate any advice or help concerning our situation. My husband has had a court order shared custody, 50/50 for the past 4 years of his 14 year old daughter. Up until 7 months ago things were great, SD came over every other week and yeah she is an ungreatful bitch but I learned to keep my mouth shut towards her and just deal with her. She would make my bio-son feel bad when I would do stuff with him and things like that. Now mind you, I did things with her as well, i would take her, meaning just her and I, to the mall shopping buy her expensive clothes, take her to get her nails done, taking her shopping at various outlets for the day, things like that. Her BM is a piece of shit, she doesnt work, has the whole mind set that the world owes her and is currently not even raising SD. So I knew the things I did with her, were unique for her and something that she would enjoy. When we planned family vacations, we planned them according to her schedule, and I would ask my ex to allow me to have my son so that we could accomadte my husbands visitation schedule and all the kids would be able to enjoy themsleves. A few months ago, my husband put his foot down on the SD lying, she is a chronic liar and she has learned it from her mother as we have caught her BM in several thru the years. SD decides she doesnt want to come back over. BM then tells my husband that if SD doesnt want to come back she isn't going to make her and he can take her to court for contempt she doesnt care. So my husband and I set up family counseling, we even encouraged BM to come as well so she could see he and I have nothing to hide. Apparently the thought over there was that he and I had issues in our marriage and SD was using that as an excuse not to come over. Things started to go a little better, SD started coming back over in January for two nights a week for three hours a night. Not much but for my husband it was better than nothing, or so I thought!! We have set rules in our house that BOTH children must abide by, they both go to their other parents houses, so with that we ask them if you are going to take something from our house to you other parent please just let us know. We look at it as a form of respect. My son 12 has NO issue with this and he is on a week to week schedule as well. April of this year, I discovered that SD had SNUCK her $80 Nike's out of the house to take to her moms on one of the nights she had been over to visit. Needless to say, yeah I was pissed!!!!! We had just discussed with her the importance of being open and honest three days prior to me finding all this out, we even told her "IF YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE ANYTHING OUT OF THIS HOUSE, JUST BE RESPECTFUL AND TELL US!!" She never said a word!!! Monday I told my husband what had happened. He texted her and simply ASKED her if she took the shoes. She admitted to taking them and then followed it up with, "I just wont come back and mom told me I dont have too". They then began texting back and forth concerning the issue and she blamed me for everything, she told her dad that "its all her fault" "Its her rules" "you let her lead you around like a dog" "You dont stick up for me" "she expects me to be perfect" He has not seen her since the beginning of April. They text back and forth ONLY if my husband initiates it, and SD is VERY short with him, she gives very simple answers. We went to the last counseling session a few weeks ago, and surprisingly enough BM conviently made other plans for the same time as our appt so they didnt show up. On one hand yes, I will openly admit I LOVE not having her here, my husband and I dont fight, I have a low tolerance for bullshit and SD is very good at it, we are conitnuing on with our lives. BUT, on the other hand, I know it hurts my husband to not have his daughter in his life. He is on the verge of washing his hands of her but I know its a desicion he really doesnt want to make but he feels as though everyone is making it for him. I have always told him, I dont care if you spend time with her OUTSIDE of this house, I do not want to see her after everything she has done to him!! Even he admits that its like she is enjoying hurting him.
Does it get anybody or is this one of those times you let her walk away and wait for her to come to her senses and come back? She is living the good life right now at her grandparents house, no rules, no one to question what she is doing. Yes, BM is even still getting CS for a child she IS NOT raising!!!! So obviously BM isnt going to force the issue or encourage SD to visit with her dad. BM herself blames me for all SD's problems too. Hubby never bothered to file a modification, he doesnt have a lot of faith in the courts so he is not sure about going back to court as he thinks the judge will just let SD make the desicion where she wants to be anyways and he will have to pay more support than he already does. I have tried to do things with this child but she is VERY ungreatful, cannot even get a simple "thank you" which to some degree I blame her BM, thats how she is raising her to be, the world owes me. I know this girl is a train wreck waiting to happen, but morally how do you sit back and let it fall off the tracks??? Things were going good as long as I was spending money on her or taking her shopping or getting her dad to let her do the things that she wanted, but when shit hits the fan its all my fault!!!!!!!!
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BTDT...My SD14 is a pain in
BTDT...My SD14 is a pain in the but. When I spent money on her it was great. When I realized I was being played, I stopped and then she just got mean. Now she has won and living with Mom. We are evil. My SS has even said to me that he can't understand why his sister is only nice whe people are spending money on her. Even a 11 year old sees that. DH is starting to. Unfortunately, we are the only ones. Now it is all in the hands of lawyer and the judge. We want to give up custody but, we don't want to pay CS for a situation that BM and SD caused. Why should we? If she wants the money, send her back and let us raise her effectively.
I would go back to court and get the CS modified. It may be better than you think.
We are in a simular situation
We are in a simular situation with our ss13. The GAL told him just last week that if he did not follow the court order that his mother and him would been seen as being in contempt. Per the GAL SS13 asked what she would do about it and it was explained that he could be physically removed or he could be placed in foster care. BM refused to communicate with BF about visitation this last weekend and she did not respond to BF request for a Midweek visit this week either. Hope the GAL is beginning to see her for what she is. Good luck with your case.
Living it too
Lost 1 stepkid at 14 - BM let her run wild no rules. She’d come for visits with friends and let them steal from us, do drugs. Then 16 with a kid. Only comes over for gift giving occasions. It’s awkward and hurtful. DH himself told her to stay away if she couldn’t respect our home. She’s gone back to school, baby daddy stuck by her. She’s turning her life around.
Ss 16 just left this week because of me. I worry he won’t come back. He has always been tight with his daddy but his low self esteem, anxiety, bad friends, growing up with no rules then being expected he and his friends respect our home and his stuff? Jealousy over our other 2 who behave. Jealously over his insatiable need for $ which he often gives to his friends and can’t say no to. Too much for him. I’m the bad parent who is ruining his life. It’s peaceful here this week and clean!!! It’s also painful to see my DH lost and hurt and missing his son. I’m kicking myself over and over for losing it this week. He was too worked up about his friend and by his friend manipulating him to let me explain or apologize.
last several years this boy has been a huge handful - raging hormones, appetite, fighting rules. Been fighting for my own self control and what I now see (just found this site too!) as disengagement. I let the filthy room go, not showering, brushing teeth, not doing laundry, no homework (barely literate at 16), staying out till so late can’t get up for school, , letting food rot in dishes in his room, living like a pig (somehow his friends don’t seem to mind?). I was driving my DH crazy complaining about his son and it was hurting our marriage.
DH would say is it worth it? Is getting angry over him not loading the dishwasher worth you getting upset, me getting upset and breaking down your relationship?
no it’s not
ive been telling myself two more years just hold on. He’ll start to mature and will soon move out. Backing off helped immensely. Then he got involved with a crazy girl and who disrespected us and our home and is controlling and using him. Lost it on her
now I’ve driven SS to BM. who will mess with his head further. We spent years and $ trying to rescue him.
Is the price of my marriage (?) and my husband’s bond with his kid worth that girl throwing food (allergies here) at 2 am with friends she is not allowed to have over?
No
teens are wild as it is. Teens from broken homes - far worse. Been studying up in childhood trauma. It affects the brain. A divorce is childhood trauma to a kid. We can’t expect kids who’ve been hurt and changed forever by their parents choices to be ok all the time - maybe not at all? Patience is a virtue. Trying not to control them but to connect with them is what we need to do. I needed to learn that sooner.
i recently read “why is your cup so full that you lose it over a little thing? In my circumstances I’ve been trapped at home with 3 kids who don’t get along, no $, DH working nights or barely at all and haven’t been able to get out. Always stressed. Find time for you too!!
think about how your SD liked those runners so much she took them. As long as she wears them. Mine would take stuff eg brand new winter jacket kid needed and BM wouldn’t buy to BM and never to be seen again. One SD got boots from us as a present and was scared to take them home to BM. Asked dad if he had asked her BM if it was ok.
My kids BM stole her DH SS from that child’s BM. She makes that kid change into sloppy clothes to go visit his Bm. And at pickup time she freaks out on him if he’s not wearing the same rags home. That kid (as I made friends with his BM) is not happy about that at all. It’s actually humiliating him and his BM.
saying look at things more from the kiddos point of view.
(Yes isn’t this a great site could have used this years ago. Nice to know I’m not alone. Nice to find a place to vent about skids going’s on so I’m not venting to the DH - unfortunately for me it may be too late)
Refusing to visit. WTF is
Refusing to visit. WTF is that? What adult allows a child to pull that kind of crap. Daddy needs to put his hands between his legs, grab a big handful of man sack and put his foot up this kids ass.
She does not get a choice to visit or not. His time, she visits as she is told. DH needs to nail BM for contempt any time she fails to deliver the child per the CO. See how the SD likes seeing mommy get her ass chewed in court by the Judge. DH needs to make sure that SD clearly understands that her choices are directly punishing her mother.
smh
Parents that tolerate this crap never cease to boggle my mind.