New here and not sure

Forums:

I am new here. Not sure how I came across this site but so glad I did. I’ll try to keep this short, simple, and sweet. I tried reading up on all the abbreviations but I’m still figuring them out!

I am 29 with no kids. My SO and I have been together for 2 almost 3 years. He has a daughter who is 12. Him and his ex split when she was less than a year old. Split custody, we have her on the weekends. This is my first relationship where kids are involved. We are not married so she’s not technically my step child but him and I are pretty serious.

At first I felt so guilty feeling the way I felt about her and that whole situation. I couldn’t say it out loud and I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. But coming here and reading some stories made me feel so much better about everything. And it definitely opens my eyes and makes me feel so grateful and fortunate about certain things. Luckily there is no “baby moma drama.” We are all civil and aside from occasional miscommunication everything works out. His daughter accepted me pretty quickly and she grew attached to me straight away. This was something new and scary to me.

Time has gone by and I just find myself feeling more and more... disconnected. At first I didn’t mind being around her. But now, I don’t really care to be around her. I almost feel like there is no emotional connection to her. I don’t know why.

We do things together as a “family.” We play board games, movies, and other things. There’s interaction there but most times I just don’t want to be around her. I hate even saying that.

I wouldn’t feel bad saying that if I had any reasoning. Like shes not a bad kid. She doesn’t have tantrums, she doesn’t talk back or have attitude. She just talks a lot. Occasionally she will get sassy with her dad but it’s rare. But there has never been any negative attitude or anything towards me. Thankfully..

Sometimes I feel like I need to get more involved but I just don’t want to. I think what also makes it hard is that SO and his daughter don’t have a close relationship. He’s a great dad and has always taken care of her but I feel like he does the bare minimum. And I think maybe that energy feeds into me. Like if he’s not building a relationship then why should I? This is stuff I’ve talked to him about before. And he tries, he tries to be closer with her but he just doesn’t know how.

I dont know. I have a ton I want to say. But I don’t want to get into it all now. I guess my question is..

Do you feel emotionally disconnected from your step kids?

why and how to you deal with it?

She is not your bio kid

Because you love your SO does not equaling you loveing SD. SD had a life before you,

you are not her mother, SD has a mother, you will never be her mother. You are is a funny place, all SP are in a funny spot. Just make sure you ant not the default babysitter. The default person who has to pay for SD.

You are going to be jealous that she there every weekend, you can not go away for the weekend for alone time with your SO. When your SO was with BM before SD. They had alone time together. For some reason you don’t get that. Ect, ect, You can not have a big wedding, his side already been to his wedding. Ect, ect, no first Christmas, Easter, alone ect,ect,

Welcome to the site!

I would say, don't sweat the lack of emotional connection. Not that many people on this site have it with their step kids, I imagine the ones that do, don't feel the need of Step Talk. I have never had any emotional connection to my two SDs, although I met them when they were 5 and 7 and they are now in their 20s. However I have two bio daughters, both in their 30s, and my DH (their step Dad) has a very strong bond with them and with their children too.

It's up to your SO to have an emotional connection with his daughter, but for you, I think as long as you have a civil, friendly relationship, you're doing very well indeed.

Thank you. And yes, the more

Thank you. And yes, the more I read the more I realize not many step parents are emotionally connected or invested in their step children.

It seems like a hard thing to accept because you love their parent so much so it’s seems obligatory to love them the same. Especially cause they are the children.

Other people's kids can be

Other people's kids can be annoying when you spend a lot of time with them. When I spend a week with my nieces, I get sick of them. So it's normal to not necessarily feel a strong connection to your skid, as long as you two get along, are civil and respectful, that's good enough.

I'm concerned mostly about your statement that your SO is a "great dad who does the bare minimum". That seems contradictory to me, what do you mean by that? His parenting has the potential to make or break your relationship.

I give him props because he

I give him props because he stuck around. It’s a typical high school pregnancy story... But I have had the conversation with him that just because he feeds her and buys her the necessities doesn’t mean anything if you’re not actually teaching her, raising her etc. I feel like we have her on the weekends and that’s it. I try not to compare situations because all are different but the very few fathers I know that are actually involved with their children are actually there. Hopefully that makes sense... they have such close relationships with their kids, especially their daughters. The way they talk about them and how they interact. Plus, the perfect picture some TV shows and movies paint that father daughter relationship to be like. Trust me I know it’s stupid but I really do assume most relationships are like that. I never knew my father so I can’t speak from personal experience.

But anyways, I’ve told him how I felt about that. And it really hurt him because he never realized some of these things. He has tried to be more involved and engaged with her, I see it. But to me, it’s just not there. I think it’s because he had her so young and since she was a baby, he’s never had her full time. And even for the first little bit of her life he was out of state at college.

Welcome to the site! I can

Welcome to the site! I can totally relate to everything you've written. When I first started getting to know SD (her dad and I are not married yet either, this is just the easiest abbreviation lol), I thought I had to be Mary-Freaking-Poppins. It felt much better when I stopped trying so hard and just let the relationship be whatever it will be. Your description of your SD sounds very similar to mine, who is 7. We've lived together, with her being here 50% of the time (EOW), for almost 2 years now, and I still feel disconnected. We do all the family activites like you said, but I feel like my soul flies out of my body and I'm just going through the motions.

I think, as long as you and your SO continue to build your relationship, and you and your SD keep being kind and respectful of each other, it's going to be OK. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself about how your relationship with her SHOULD be, and just let it be. She's not your kid, and it's not going to feel the same. It might, someday, but it's not always immediate. My connection to SD is directly proportional to my connection to my SO, so if you focus on that, your relationship with SD will likely feel better as well.

In the mean time, take care of yourself. Make sure you're still doing things that you DO feel emotionally connected to. You're already doing your best with SD. Do things with her when you want to, not bc you feel you have to, and it will feel more authentic to you.

Feeling are mutual

Don't feel bad.I have the same issue with my boyfriends 18yr old daughter and his 15yr old autistic son.We been about 4yrs now.I gave up everything to move in with him.I have absolutely no connection with his kids.Its hard to have feelings when they are not your biological kids .My big mistake was moving into his house.I feel like I'm the nanny,chef,maid and sex slave.And besides his daughter treats me like I don't exist.So therefore don't bad.

Fed up

Please tell me I'm right.I cooked for my boyfriend and his 18yr old daughter and austic 16 yr son.The dinner stay on the on the stove from Thursday to Saturday morning. No one attempted to wash the dishes. When I asked him .When I brought to his attention his reply was to tell his daughter to wash them.I 'm not her mother .I just don't understand why he won't tell her.Well I decided to stop cooking for his family for about a month now.Since then he 's been giving me the cold shoulder and I never got an apology. So therefore they can go to McDonald's for dinner

Feeling are mutual

Contrary to popular belief

Contrary to popular belief live is a verb rather than a noun.

I did not love my SS at first. But I knew that in order to make a life with his amazing mom that I was goi g to have to figure it out. Fortunately I landed on an epiphany early in our marriage. It came from THE SEVEN HABBITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE.

I short, to love someone it is critical take the actions of love. The actions grow the feelings. So I loved them both in action. We would go for walks and he would ride on my shoulders, I read bedtime stories to him, etc, etc, etc.

It didn’t take long for those actions to grow the feelings.

Just something for you to consider.

Same

I am also 29 and have never dated anyone with children and my SO has a 14 year old. I ve always tried to convince myself I could feel sometyhing for her but it hasnt happened. I also think it cant happen if the SKID doesnt want it. I dont feel like my SKID tries and then it just reaffirms my disengagement. I have plenty of friends and hobbies to keep me busy so I dont care. Of course i would love to feel liked or loved by her but the reality is not that. She has a mom and she has a dad and she has a large family...im just a take it or leave it. Thats fine. I think the hardest part is accepting that

You are here