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This is just a really long rant.

blondielocks's picture

I introduced myself here awhile ago but then I sort of disappeared. Now I need to vent. Vent like whoa.

I moved in with my Fusband (future-husband) at the beginning with April. He has full custody of his two sons, aged 14 and 17. The 17 year old no longer participates in visitation with the biomom, but the 14 year old does, every other weekend, from Thursday to Monday.

SS17 is GREAT. No complaints. He's responsible, helpful, funny, engaged, smart, etc.

SS14 is is awful. He is combative, disrespectful and lazy. He doesn't seem to have a working relationship with reality. He asserts that FH is verbally abusive, has a history of being physically abusive, would love nothing more than to put SS14 into juvie, meets zero of his needs (but all of SS17's "wants"), is not deserving of any kind of respect, is not really his father (biologically, yes, but not "really").

FH, delightful though he is in many, many ways, is not exactly a disciplinarian (there's a long back story here of being married to a manipulative and abusive woman and dealing with the effects and her alienation of the children to this day). And having lived with these guys for a month and a half, I feel like I have a full grasp on why. SS14 is IMPOSSIBLE. He already doesn't go out with friends. He seems to accept being grounded from various pieces of technology as just the cost of doing business. He's so confrontational that FH often backs down or chooses to ignore him rather than trying to engage in what will invariably become a long, drawn out argument that could potentially escalate into violence. To my knowledge, SS14 has not been violent either toward FH or the house since I've known them (about 2.5 years).

Things he has done since FH & I got engaged in December: dumped out my shampoo, conditioner and body wash and filled the bottles with water. Put flour in my hair dryer. Stole three of my hair brushes. Poured a bottle of apple cider vinegar in our bed. Threw the dog collar we used to lock the refrigerator door (a whole other story) into the middle of the yard and said he didn't know where it went. Changed my Netflix profile to a child's profile. Deleted my xbox profile and games. Called me stupid. Told me FH's a monster that no decent person would want to be with. Called me a liar. Said I'm not welcome there, nobody wants me around, etc, etc, etc. While these seem like harmless pranks individually, collectively and in conjunction with his constant negativity, his disrespectful attitude and his lack of caring about the consequences, I feel like I'm a walking target.

His standard response to a request to do something is either silence or "F you." If asked repeatedly, he will eventually bring most of the dirty dishes out of his room and feed his dogs (but not mine). We operate on a system of "chore rooms" wherein we rotate responsibilities weekly. Or we would, but he hasn't done one thing to lift a finger around the house. He refuses to clean up after himself. He leaves pee on the toilet seat. Spills on the counter and in the refrigerator. Food packaging wherever. He is a really smart kid but is pulling D's in two of his classes because he refuses to do his homework and has all kinds of excuses (usually FH's fault) for not turning it in.

I'm not trying to be a parent to him. I am trying to coexist in the same house with him, and asking for basic things (bringing in the dishes, primarily). FH is honestly trying. I can see it. But he lacks the hard edge that is needed to make any kind of consequence stick. He doesn't want to ground him from the xbox because he'll just play it anyway while we're at work. He doesn't want to take it away, because SS17 also uses it. There's no consistent expectations or boundaries. I tell FH that he needs to stop setting SS14 up to make the wrong decision. Don't tell him he can choose to do his chores or not. Tell him the expectation is that he will do his chores. SS14 is always arguing that FH doesn't care about his opinion, that he's not consulted before decisions are made, etc. And I think that's part of the reason. Because FH is forever trying to get SS14 to organically change and come to the right decision. But he's only 14 years old. He needs to be told what to do. Consistently. At least, that's my opinion, for what it's worth. I don't have kids of my own but I watch a lot of Super Nanny and Cesar Milan.

Basically the crux of the issue is this: I feel paranoid and anxious in my own home and when SS14 goes to his mom's for the weekend I feel about 20 pounds lighter. And I dread him coming home. FH has full custody because she's nut job and she gets as much visitation as she does because their judge wasn't terribly principled. He wrote that the children's opinions shouldn't have any bearing in future custody orders on how much visitation time their mother got (because they both wanted to live with her full time because FH was so abusive and terrible -- he's not, he's really, really not) but gave her as much as he did because they begged him to live with her. When we went back to court last fall because SS17 wanted to stop seeing her (because she's a psycho hosebeast), we tried to suspend visitation for SS14 because she was getting out of control (impersonating SS17 on FB, among other things), the judge said that "bad parenting isn't a reason to change the parenting time schedule."

So now SS14 goes over there every other weekend and receives unfiltered and unmitigated instructions on how to demand money, make our lives miserable, argue with FH over stupid stuff and who knows what all.

I knew what I was getting into when I accepted FH's proposal, and when I moved in. It's not like any of this is a surprise. I guess I just thought that if I was around enough we could settle into some kind of peaceful coexistence. But I forgot that BM's MO is "destruction to all happiness that is not her own." SS14 is so broken and manipulated by her that it's hard for me some times to hold him responsible for his own actions. At the same time, it's infuriating that he can't simply make the choice to not be an a-hole to us.

SS14 goes to see a counselor every other week but so far it seems to not be doing much. He is just so adept at hearing one thing and twisting it to mean whatever he wants it to mean. Then when you act according to the original statement, he is convinced you are a liar. There are no misunderstandings. Only purposeful persecution. My therapist has suggested that I get FH to sign a release for me to talk to SS14's counselor about how to sort of cope with our arrangement and how to respond and not respond to his hostility. We'll see what happens with that.

I should also mention that SS17 told us a couple of months ago that before he stopped going to see his mother, she was pressuring him to poison his dad because they'd all be better off if FH was dead. I flipped my lid when I heard this. He disclosed it, he said, because he was afraid that she would start pressuring SS14 to do the same thing and he's not quite as stable and with it as SS17 was at the time. We notified FH"s attorney and she said to let the therapist know and see what he said about what we should do. Apparently there is no sense of urgency from either the therapist or FH about getting to the bottom of that. I don't REALLY think that SS14 is going to try to poison us, but it just adds one more layer to the anxiety I feel every single stupid day.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don't know if I feel any better but I know a lot of you have experienced similar issues, and I guess I'm just hoping for some solidarity. FH does his best to ease my mind, to talk through my concerns with me, and I think he really gets it. I just think that he hasn't known what to do for so long that any change is like moving a mountain. And he gets tired. It's exhausting to fight someone all the time, as we all know. It's also exhausting to skitter around, trying to stay out of sight so as not to draw attention and ire. It's sort of a no-win situation at this point, from what I can tell.

No saint's picture

Jesus... you really have your hands full; I sure don't envy you.
Wish you all the luck dealing with such a kid. And congratulations on your engagement!

blondielocks's picture

Thankfully I didn't have much progress on this machine for him to delete. But it was still infuriating. Getting through the opening BS of an RPG is TEDIUS.

Also, he set the code on the xbox without his father knowing it. We discovered it a few months ago but FH has been dragging his feet calling Microsoft to get it reset.

blondielocks's picture

That is an EXCELLENT question. And as I am dreading what will become of the house once that little tyrant is home by himself all day long, I think I'll ask FH that question tonight!

another step's picture

That X-box would be dead. D_E_A_D. It became a problem here with my SS who is now blessedly out of the house. And of course, kids that are not behaving do NOT get new electronics, do they?

The internet most graciously provides explicit instructions on how to kill an X-box so that it looks like it simply reached the end of its life. VERY effective. Or at least so I hear...... Smile }:)

blondielocks's picture

I would LOVE to send him to his mother's house. FH indicates that at this point he's not ready to give up on him. I try to respect that but some days it is more difficult than others.

Stormyweather's picture

My story is very similar and it took me to kick out ( now husband) but fiancé at the time and his out of control user kids to insist on boundaries and gain some self respect.

No way was I going to tolerate that shit in my own home and they all left and rented a place 30 mins away. I only visited once. I refused to as my fiancé at the time had given my SD20 ( unemployed) the main bedroom with walk in robe and private ensuite where as if I stayed, I would have to share a bathroom and toilet with a smelly messy 6 ft 3 15 year old teenager. NA! It was my hill to die on and I was prepared to walk away from our relationships over the way he allowed his kids to have free run.

We are now married and living back in my house ( now ours) way more settled as my husband actually parents his son and SD doesn't live with us. Start laying down boindaries and be prepared to follow through because there's no way I would suffer because of a decision my fusband made regarding HIS son ( but who won't then parent him properly)

Move out while he sorts his shit out!!

simifan's picture

Yeah, you need to run now. If he runs the house at 14, what will life be like when he hits that growth-spurt & IS THE SIZE OF AN ADULT MALE? At the very least, Get your own place & wait out the next 4 years. These are not harmless pranks they are malicious attacks and will only get worse. But truthfully, how long will you be able to love and respect a man who cowers from a child?

another step's picture

^^^THIS^^^ If you want your love to last, you need to get away from his son. One of you has to go. That is not "asking him to choose between you." What his son is doing - all that in a month and a half??? - is only the prelude to an ongoing reign of terror. Obviously he is very unstable and being encouraged by a crazy mother. Poisoning?? Seriously?? And your FH is refusing to take action?

I seriously fear for your safety. If you insist on staying with him, please get a lock on your bedroom door, put any food that he could identify as just yours or your FH's in a small dorm fridge kept in your bedroom, and ensure that you always have a cell phone on you. This kid sounds like a time bomb.

blondielocks's picture

He actually is the size of an adult male. He's huge. Over six feet, 200 lbs.

He was really physically aggressive right after their divorce. He broke things in the house, kicked holes in the wall and doors, and the like.

I haven't seen any evidence of that since I've known him (about 2 years). By some miracle he outgrew it? I don't know.

Rags's picture

Time to turn up the head on the toxic SS-14. As others have mentioned, wire the house completely (except for the bathrooms) and record every thing that toxic little shit does. As soon as he steps over the line call the police and let them drag his ass off in handcuffs. Zero tolerance.

Take the door off of his room, empty his room except for a plastic inflatable mattress and make his life miserable until he extricates his head from his ass and takes positive personal steps to overcome his Cranio-Rectal syndrome. Sit with FDH and discuss the rules and get alignment that they will be enforced.

Sit the little prior relationship crotch nugget down and together you and FDH give him clarity on what will be tolerated, what will not be tolerated, and clearly outline the consequences for noncompliance. Praise SS-17 and use him as an example of acceptable behavior and the benefits of reasonable behavior.

Own the little POS's ass and turn making him miserable into your favority hobby if he does not gain clarity immediately. I suggest that you get a squirt bottle and any time SS-14 gets lippy spray him in the face. If he escalates, put tabasco in the water and let him rub his face all over the carpet like a dog does when it gets something in its eyes that it does like. If my brother or I had used the words Fuch You towards my dad'd bride he would have owned our idiot asses. That fact that his bride and our mom are the same person would not have saved us from a near death experience at the hands of our father. FDH needs to step up with a major ass whuupin on his youngest spawn for how that little idiot treats you. That he has yet to kick ass on that little toxic POS puts FDH in the suspect list as far as being a viable life partner for you IMHO. As wonderful as he may be otherwise, that he tolerates this crap towards you makes him a write off IMHO.

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.