How do you unteach all the bad things the BPD BM taught?
I've been married to my husband for almost two years. His ex wife has BPD, and -- to say the least -- it isn't fun dealing with her. She's turned my husband's eldest teenage son and teenage daughter completely against him (PAS big time). His youngest teenage son lives with us, as does my teenage daughter. Here's my issue. My SS's mother has taught all of her children that everybody lies. Now, she didn't teach them this as a life lesson followed by "but it's still wrong." She taught them this as an excuse for her own behavior. As a result, everyone of them are proficient liars, including my SS. And when I catch him in a lie, his response is always "Everybody lies." He makes things up about everything and everyone all the time. He comes home from school with stories about his teachers that I know aren't true, but I'm not sure what to say. His father just laughs, and I don't want to be the wicked stepmother, so I just sort of laugh and change the subject.
I've raised my kids so differently than my SS has been raised. And, although I have to bite my tongue a lot, it's okay that he's been raised differently. But when it comes to being responsible, when it comes to be respectful, when it comes to not lying, these things are universal and should be taught in every family. How do you teach them to a 15 year old young man? At times I get so tired of the battle that I just want to quit and let him be whoever he's going to be. But, judging by his older siblings, I don't think that whoever he's going to be is going to be good. I feel like if I don't at least try to teach him to be honest and responsible that I'm failing as a step-mother. I fear it's a losing battle.
rules of the house
I guess you could just tell them in this house we do not lie and there are consequences when you are caught lieing. My mother always said if your friends jumped off a bridge is just annoying. My BD12 has been caught in numerous lies by both of her grandmothers and they have called her on it and she was not pleased. My mother told her that lying makes her an ugly person and she was too beautiful to lie. Remember the boy who cried wolf - all the lying to lead to you not believing them when something major happens and they need your help/support/encouragment, etc.
Its a vicious circle.
Smurfy, Your advice is
Smurfy, Your advice is appreciated, and that strategy worked wonderfully in the raising of my own three kids. However it is very difficult to get children of a BPD mother to rationalize -- at least it's difficult to get these particular kids to rationalize. I've tried the whole "Don't you want people to know they can trust you?" "Doesn't it make you feel bad when people lie to you?" "What if I lied to you all the time." He has a defensive answer for all of these questions -- as if he's incapable of putting himself outside his own situation. The issue is, because of her illness their mother is incapable of empathizing with anyone which means she was incapable of showing/teaching empathy to her children. They seem unable to walk in anybody elses shoes but their own. Which makes it hard for me to explain to them why lying is such a destructive thing to do. Plus...I'm wicked step-mommy. I can't possibly know anything useful.
I don't have time to answer this in full...
My SD has BPD and is about to be referred to a psychiatrist for possible Bipolar. Her mom has these as well, undiagnosed of course.
It is highly hereditary. You may not just be dealing with kids who are taught to be this way. It may be a combo of genetic predisposition and reinforced by being raised by BM.
Read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" about living with someone who has BPD.
It may open your eyes and afford helpful suggestions to how to respond to any BPD behavior your Skids are showing.
Goodluck.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Thanks, Sita!
I wasn't aware that BP was hereditary. That would certainly expain a lot. We've been suspecting that my SD may have it -- but weren't sure if she was just immitating the behavior of her mother. I wonder how much of it is genetic, and how much learned -- the old nature versus nurture. Anyway, thank you for the advice. My husband and I have decided to enter into Family Therapy -- not only for my SS, but to help us parent better in our stressful situation.
Yep, Sita and I both have
this problem.......welcome to our wonderful world...:) The book she recommended is excellent, as I read it at her suggestion. You can go back and read our posts, maybe it will help! Sita is much better at writing than I, and can put things in an understandable way. I suck at that....
Please feel free to PM me if I can help. It is a tough situation and very hard to live through, but it CAN be done. I think it was a great choice for the counseling!
I'm a standing member of THIS group...
My skids BM is Bipolar/BPD and I am constantly trying to help my stepdaughters rationalize her quite unexplainable behavior.
I am also in the process of reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'...
It is helping me understand a little bit better HER perspective and her own personal battle with the emptiness she feels inside and how she is coping with this debilitating condition.
In the end, we have to learn our own coping mechanisms and quit enabling the unacceptable behavior. Curb our resentment and trudge forward. I, too, am here if you need a dumping ground for all the frustrations that go with what you're enduring...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley