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Here's to another F in parenting 101!

Calypso1977's picture

So fiance is indeed taking SD13 and the long term (nearly 3 years) boyfriend to the mall tomorrow. This is the first time my fiance has met this kid. SD has "refused" to let my fiance meet him and of course he's "refused" to do anything about it.

i ask if he is going to meet the parents. he says "i dont know". i then ask if BM has ever met the parents and he says "to my knowledge, she hasnt"

:jawdrop:

So you let your daughter run around with a boy for nearly 3 years (now granted my fiance didnt even know this boy EXISTED until 2 years into the relationship) and neither you, nor her mother, think that its important to meet the parents and know the family that this kid hails from?? Oh that's right. They just text and hold hands.

He's also letting them roam the mall alone for 3 hours. I told him i didnt think that was a good idea. he gave the classic modern day parent response of "they have their phones, they will be safe!" I told him i wasnt concerned about them being abducted, but rather the two of them sneaking off somewhere to have sex or make out of whatever physical activity im 99% certain they are engaging in. This of course put him into his denial mode of "they arent having sex!".

the only highlight is apparently he did let her weasel out of sleeping over YET AGAIN and i guess he's not taking her Sunday AND she's on vacation with her mother next week so I will see her very minimal.

JingerVZ's picture

Real interest shown in his daughter and what she does. :jawdrop:

Not good - is there a reason he has so little interest. I agree that 3 hours in the mall - wth are they gonna do?

As a safety precaution, he should have her talk to your family GP - she may need birth control pills. If he doesnt want to be a granddaddy too, he needs to take this serious.

Calypso1977's picture

ive told him to at least call her doctor to see if she's been prescribed BC pills. Technically, she cant be given any meds without approval of both parents, but as we've learned, BM often just does whatever she wants and i can see her wanting to keep something like this from my fiance, seeing as she kept the damn boyfriend from him for 2 years!

i honestly think he has no interest because he sees her so little and has all but given up because of her attitude and behavior. he thinks he has no say what she does. he doesnt understand that he can be in control and in charge of her when she's with us. i think he just doesnt care because BM is so high conflict and has made his life hell for nearly 30 years.

misSTEP's picture

Our BM was the same way but my DH made SURE that SD minded when she was at OUR place. When we found out she was sneaking out at night on her BM, we would each sleep by one of the doors to the house and made sure there was no way to open the window in their room.

When she got pregnant at 16, we KNEW it wasn't on OUR watch.

Calypso1977's picture

no, but she always wanted more than one kid. they had several miscarriages before SD (too bad she wasnt one!) and fortunately my fiance had the good sense to not impregnate her again.

also a baby would keep SD home with her forever, which is what she wants. she's a clinger. she never left her parents in 42 years, so she hopes/assumes SD will be the same with her.

AllySkoo's picture

That is EXACTLY what I'm living through! SD17 moved in with us and almost immediately got pregnant. (DH blames himself, which is stupid. It may have been "on his watch" - no, no, I didn't take offense at all, just winced - but it was also totally out of his control.)

BM is freaking THRILLED. It's sick. She told SD to move "home" and she'd let Baby Daddy move in with her. So SD17 went back to BM's, Baby Daddy is living with her in her room, and BM is posting "I can't wait to be a Grandma!" nonsense on Facebook. I could PUKE.

Orange County Ca's picture

Mmmmm. Considering what's going on in that kids life and with the BM effectively in charge of her day to day activities I don't blame Daddy for washing his hands. I think I would advise him to stop contacting her completely and let the kid initiate any interaction.

A hands off attitude now will minimize conflict with the BM and the kid for now and leave the door open for a future relationship.

I know a lot of you will think he's the father, he should do something, but without BM's co-operation and support he's helpless.

Calypso1977's picture

i know, OC! whenever i try to explain your advice to him, all i get is "that's my daughter and im not walking away from her" yet he doesnt see that in the ways that count, he already HAS walked away from her by not caring enough to parent her.

his head is so badly in the sand/denial. when i ask what he will do if she gets prego, develops a drug problem, or some real trouble (which he himself has told me that he expects her to be pregnant or dead by 16) his answer is always 'her mother can deal with it'.

kathc's picture

I used to get dropped off at the mall with my boyfriend for three hours, too. The second we were dropped off we'd head off to some corner to have sex. You're not crazy, you're right. And your dh is an idiot.

Amber Miller's picture

No kidding. My 15yo came home from playing "basketball". He took off his shirt. He had nails marks on his back. You could see the 4 scratches all running together down his back I knew exactly what that was from. I told him I knew what he had been up to. He gave me a huge smile. I have drilled it into my boys head to use condoms and that if they get someone pregnant that I'm not paying for it or taking care of a baby so they better get 3 jobs because that's what it will take to pay for a baby as they don't have a degree or high school diploma. I found an empty condom wrapper in his jeans. I don't think you can stop kids from having sex unless you chain them to the wall and never let them leave. I told my son that I would prefer for him not to have sex but that I am proud of him for protecting himself and his girlfriend. I don't know what else I can do but be supportive and emphasize protection. His father is not in his life and my boys have to come to me to discuss sex and all other teenage issues. I'm sure they would rather talk to their dad but he's too busy partying and going to punk rock shows to be bothered with being a parent at almost 50 years old.

Calypso1977's picture

how is it that i myself am not a parent and this stuff is crystal clear to me????

AllySkoo's picture

Because you were a kid, and you were friends with other kids! Which is really how people who DO have kids know as well...

Maybe your DH was a good kid who never got into trouble? Lol I know I was thinking, "The mall?!? No one would have sex at the mall!" until I read one poster say she DID! And now I know to watch for that one with my own kids....

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I know in the old day, it used to be dressing rooms (not from personal experience, but heard about it). Now, they have those "family" bathrooms everywhere. Sounds gross to me...I mean...it's a bathroom. But....

Calypso1977's picture

ally, that's the thing i dont get - he was a good kid in terms of doing well in school, obeying his parents, etc. but he himself lost it at 14!!!! so the kid has his horn-ball genes, coupled with today's advanced sexual activity age.

AllySkoo's picture

He darn well *should* know then, yes. I think sometimes men really have blinders on when it comes to their little girls though. "Well, I was a BOY, of course I was horny! But my daughter? Nah, she'll be a virgin until she gets married."

Now WHERE is that eye roll emoticon?!?

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Granted...this is without even reading the other comments, but I completely understand where you are coming from!

THESE PARENTS ARE MORONS! Yes, got that out...and I'm talking about SD15's bios as well! BM lets SD15 stay the night at some boy's house for New Years' Eve..."Oh, they have been friends forever! There is nothing more than that between them!" SERIOUSLY? DH lets SD15 stay the night at the house of the now-ex (yes, this is where SD15 was last night), supposedly with the now-ex's sister and the now-ex will not be there! He also allowed this while they were officially dating (I still wonder if they aren't still unofficially dating...SD15 has been wearing his jacket again for the last 3 days...the jacket she supposedly gave back to him). Hello...earth to dad!

Birth control? Oh, that's silly...she doesn't need birth control, because she isn't having sex! Queue head out of sand now, dad! If you believe that, BD23 and her boyfriend aren't having sex either! At least BD23 is old enough to take care of her own stuff if she ends up preggers, and she has been dating the guy long enough, I'm still wondering when they are just going to get married and stop playing house (but she is an adult, so it is her decision Smile ).

Ugh...you just want to strangle these people sometimes!

Grace Galloway's picture

Maybe he will consider your advice and start listening to you when his daughter ends up knocked up by immaculate conception because his angel "isn't having secks". dummy LOL

Modernworld1011's picture

To not meet him is to stay immune and protected from truth. Many parents do not seem to really want to know what their kids are doing. I feel, parents should have been met long ago..... I could never allow my child to run around with people whose family I did not know. Sadly, he probably things he helping her to grow and be her own person. Kid need parents not gurus!