HELP! Jealous 16yo Stepdaughter.. Decision

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Hi there,
I'm new so please be patient with me while I learn the lingo.

I need help, I am in a situation and don't know where to go with it.

I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 12 years with my ex husband. He was abusive to myself and my oldest daughter, who was from a previous relationship, but not his own girls. I have 3 girls in total, 16/12/7. I finally smartened up and left him for good. After swearing off men, I ended up realizing I had fallen madly in love with a dear friend of mine, and things happened a lot quicker than I expected. We have now been together almost a year.

My eldest daughter, after taking 12 years of abuse from my ex, things were calm at home, my new partner loved and respected her, treated both her an I like gold, and things were AMAZING, somehow decides she hates it and moves to her biofathers. This was a huge heart break as we had been through everything together, but her life was starting to fall apart previously, and I believe she just came up with reasons to leave, thinking a fresh start would let her run away from her social problems at school.

My middle two daughters have been much more hesitant in accepting my partner, but it has come slowly and nothing unexpected. I make sure to take the time to validate them, and let them know I love them just as much and try to support them through their mixed emotions and such. I expected some fallout, and am getting nothing more than I expected.

So things with my kids are.. Okish..

His kids live 12 hours away. He rarely sees them due to the expense. Once we got together, I tried to foster bringing them out more, and came up with $1200 to fly them out back in March. When we first got together, his daughter would text me, and FB me and such, but by March had deleted me and caused a big scene calling me names, when I hadn't done anything. I would always just listen and try not to offer advice or get involved, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. When it came time for them to come out, she told her dad he's a lousy deadbeat, and she was not coming out until he made a better effort to stay in touch, then started to blame me for his "lack of attention", when if anything, he was making more effort since we got together. His son is super laid back and unfortunately has to do what his sister decides, regardless of his own desires to come down.

So there was very little communication between my partner and his daughter for acouple months, then partners brother announces he's getting married in July, and all of a sudden the daughter wants to come up.. But she wants us to bring her out, and she'll stay at partners moms...He says, no, if your're coming out, you stay with us. I get a message from her on FB saying can we start over, and a friend request, I reply and asy of course, and explain how I have always had issues with my own stepmom and understand. That lasted two weeks. Then she starts freaking out that when I post about our life on FB, even though it has nothing to do with her, that I'm doing it intentionally to rub her nose in the fact I have her dad, and she doesn't.

Shes causing drama over the fact we;re driving and the cars too small for all of us, then tells my middle daughter that she'll be staying with partners mom when she comes, again, she's been told no..

Its just endless and I've never done a damn thing to her! Partner has even told her, without me there'd be no money for her to come down, the fact that his love for me is different than his love for her, and he still loves her a ton, we even offered her to come live here on numerous occasions...

Him and his ex have been apart 8 years and he's always had a live in girlfriend since, so its not like it's new, and she's never met me, or given me half a chance to base any of this garbage on.

So at this point, I have told him he can drive up and get his kids himself, and Ill stay somewhere else for the 2 weeks they're down. This hurts him as he says he needs my support, and I do agree that we need to show a united front so shes sees this is just how it is, but I don't want to get hurt in the process. I am very, very emotional and easy to hurt. I also don't want to make the issue worse if it doesn't go well.

We plan to get married next year, and have a baby within a year of that, and I can only imagine how that will go, I understand fostering a loving, unchanged relationship and supporting them in their individual relationship, but I am just getting beaten to a pulp here.

Should I go and try to be strong? Should I just remove myself from the situation? I feel like this is putting a serious wedge in our relationship which is extremely strong and already been through so much in such a short time, and I hate to see this break us, when she has no intention of being in his life more that once every couple years, and she's almost an adult!
HELP!

You are in a tough situation

You are in a tough situation but if you plan on marrying him, it is best to start showing that united front now. If she gets a whiff of power and thinks she is calling the shots, she will never stop. You do need to go and try to be strong because there will be more of this in the future, you might as well get used to it!

Try not to take it too personal and try not to let it hurt your feelings. If he's always had a live in girlfriend, (how many?) she may see you as disposable and just somebody else to manipulate. Don't let her.

Oh, and be glad she lives 12 hours away.

LOLOLO... Thanks.. YEs, I am

LOLOLO... Thanks.. YEs, I am grateful, though saddened as I had hoped since she is the same age as my daughter, and up until recently, my daughter thought I was just the coolest, that we would hit it off.. I think there is alot of partners ex speaking through her too..

I know, I thought that when partner told her I was now not coming and wouldn't be staying at the house, it all of a sudden dawned on me.. Wait.. now she gets EXACTLY what she wants...

I would NEVER allow my 16 year old to make my partner feel little, insignificant, insulted... whatever,,, While I love my kids to the end of the world and would do anything for them, There came a time, when I realized, back when I was a mommas girl.. that one day I wouldnt have my mom all the time, and Id be alone.. Much like, very soon, these girls will be all grown and it will be a different relationship, and am I willing to sacrifice the best thing that has ever happened to me (Besides them) to make them more comfortable for what... 2 years?

It would be different if either of us did not treat the children well..

Yes, I agree as well, and actually said that to partner.. In 8 years he's lived with 4 different women for different periods of time... and ya, they were disposable, so how hard would it be for her to get rid of me? Difference is, Im not going anywhere, and both of us are tremendously happy and planning our futures. The other girls were just pastimes... He knew coming into this, I dont play that game.. I told him, Make sure she is well aware, I am not one of the passing flings.. Im here to stay.

SIGH

Don't have a baby. Both of

Don't have a baby. Both of you have plenty of responsibility and step-marriages often break-up leaving just another wounded kid.

What exactly is a

What exactly is a "Step-marriage"? Seems like just a marriage to me.

i hope you 2 don't seriously

i hope you 2 don't seriously expect an answer. he doesn't answer valid questions about outrageous statements he makes. you gotta just roll your eyes and move on, cuz that's how he is.

Hmm.. thanks for the valuable

Hmm.. thanks for the valuable insight, however, not what I am needing or wanting. Ill be sure to seek you out when I feel I need your opinion. I was asking for guidance and support on the specific question posed, not on how to live my life. This is why people don't reach out for help, when they are just going to get milled down at the first chance someone gets. Especially frustrating as Ive read some of your posts and find them helpful, so would have been nice to receive that instead.

Thank you for those providing constructive, on topic advice

ETA- Sorry should have read when I need your opinion on that issue, since It was not the question at hand, There are alot of things I don't know, and need help on, general concensus can be helpful in those things, however there are some things I am capable of handling on my own. I take the decision of child rearing and such very personally. It is a private decision between two people, and there are reasons behind ours.

Happy parents are better

Happy parents are better parents.. Period. My relationship with my children has improved a million percent since I left the abusive a-hole and no longer spend my time crying or hiding in my room away from everyone...

Partner has even asked his daughter why she prefers he be miserable? He is happy for the first time in 10 years! She knows that.. So what is it that makes her want to destroy it? I had step parents growing up too.. One of them was extremely abusive to me and my mom, I knew she was strong enough to take his abuse, but would break if she knew he was abusing me too.. so I hid it, because I wanted my mom happy.. When it came out, she was devastated, but it seems now that kids have very little respect for their parents and are so self motivated.

I just feel lost, I have tried to do everything I can for this girl, and then have tried doing nothing at all.. Neither approach works. How she could think that me posting I am in love and happy is me rubbing her nose in it, when we have said we would welcome her to come live here... She has made the choice on two occasions to stay in a home with her biomom and stepdad, despite the fact she is miserable there.

Partner even tried to break it down more simply for her... The reason his wife and him split is she was having an affair and ended up staying with him, even currently, So partner says to his daughter, How do you think I feel hearing about your stepdad all the time? Knowing he gets to be with my daughter all the time?
Then he reminds her that I am not a replacement for her.. That his love is different with me, but that her stepdad is essentially replacing him in her day to day life, and she says.. Dont even bring him into this, that's different. Well ya, it is, but if anything its more reason to be jealous than your dad's gf!

IDK. I wish I was stronger emotionally so I could just stand my ground, knowing that if she gave me half a chance, I know she would like me, but I am so weak that I sit here second guessing what to do. I dont see any reason I should have to leave my home with my daughter to accomodate her insecurities, but I worry if I don't, what does that look like?

I cant imagine being able to even get close to him in those two weeks without her pitching a fit.. If she cant handle me gushing on FB about how great my life is, how is she going to handle living in it?

And the thought that we will spend over a thousand dollars to bring them down here, when partner is on injury leave and things are tight, so she can go stay with her grandma? On our dime? Without just cause? Killing me.

"What exactly is a

"What exactly is a "Step-marriage"? Seems like just a marriage to me."

I have to assume he means second marriages or blended families, and based on these stats, he is correct....

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

However, again, the choice of whether to have children is personal and private, and in my life, is not up for debate on a public internet forum.
Our reasoning and decision making to do so has been very heavily weighed and is not taken lightly.. We have even discussed the "What if we don't make it".

Statistically speaking my divorce chances are actually significantly lower this time around based on many things, A)I am not 20 years old this time, B)I married my ex out of obligation, not want, C)Im not pregnant 3 months into the relationship, D)I have known my partner as a dear friend for multiple years prior to being a couple... Again, not that it's really relevant when the question I was asking is how to deal with this upcoming trip/visit. The only reason I brought up the marriage and child, is to emphasis that we are not a fly by night couple and princess is going to have to accept that.

"I dont see any reason I

"I dont see any reason I should have to leave my home with my daughter to accomodate her insecurities, but I worry if I don't, what does that look like?"

What will it look like if you DO leave your home to accommodate her?

You are here to stay and you and your partner are happy. Hopefully, she will see this and eventually come around. But she can't see it (or see what a good person your really are) if you leave while she is there. Stand your ground! You said yourself, you know she would like you, well, she will need to get to know you then. Yes, it's going to be hard for you but at least you can say you gave her every chance to give you a chance.

I know hereiam.. and in my

I know hereiam.. and in my logical, calm mind, I know that, but then anxiety ccreeps in and says, Yes, but you're giving here EVERY chance to come abuse you and make you uncomfortable".

I am lucky in the partner sees through this all, and feels she is being spoiled and manipulative..So I feel pretty secure that she would be unable to set me up in any way... He says that the first sign of BS and she gets a ride to the bus station, so.. I guess some of it comes down to having to trust him too..

BAH!!

That is good that your

That is good that your partner sees through it and supports you. Trust him, give him the benefit of the doubt. Might as well do it now, it could set the tone for the future.

Don't let her make you uncomfortable. Just do what you would normally do, be the person you normally are. Let her see the way it is. If she can't deal with it, that is her problem. What is with these kids that don't want to see their own parents be happy? So selfish.

Your partner is willing to back you up, take advantage of that. Many people on here would kill for that!

You thinking the sd12 sees

You thinking the sd12 sees you as disposable and someone she can manipulate is looking at it from the wrong perspective. Perhaps she has bonded with others that disappeared out of nowhere and were quickly replaced by someone new. Maybe she is protecting herself from getting hurt again.

Children are self-centered. She will be MUCH happier with him all to herself than she will be knowing he's happy. Most kids don't care if their parents are happy. They are looking out for themselves. Heck, most ADULTS don't care if others are happy. Don't you know it's all about ME ME ME? That's why these things are OFTEN no-win scenarios. That's why all the other women who have sworn to survive when others did not, ended up walking away themselves.

Since you know you are very

Since you know you are very emotional and very easily hurt, you really need to take this whole marriage and skids thing very very slowly. So many women have been battered beyond belief, you do not want to be horridly miserable then end up divorced and with a baby.

Err... Dad really needs to NOT be telling his daughter about the mother's affair. Children are not responsible to make their parents happy nor to ensure the parent's happiness. It's a one way street with kids.

Just give this all a lot of time. A lot of time. You are still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship.

Also, unfriend her on FB and set it to where she simply cannot see. What you see as your normal postings, she sees as validation that she is no longer part of her father's family. It hurts her, just unfriend her.

Smartone-I appreciate your

Smartone-I appreciate your take, though in the past she has not liked any of his "toys", and uses them as examples as to why she OBVIOUSLY won't like me.
Also the first few years he never saw them as he was in recovery, after that he saw them every weekend til his ex decided to move them 12 hours away, so for the past several years he hasn't been able to have alot of time with them, so no developed relationships with his gfs :/

Steps- I am well aware of

Steps-
I am well aware of honeymoon stage... I appreciate your concern, we have been friends a LONG time, and there is NO doubt he is my soul mate. As I mentioned, we will not be marrying for another year.. Making it 2 years, and baby would be at least a year beyond that. Again I appreciate your concern, but it is not being rushed. I managed 13 years with a complete asshole, I am treated like a queen now, it would take a pretty impressive person to put a show like this in for this length of time, but again, I have another year to see the truth if he is. I'm not debating my choice to marry or have a child, but thanks anyways
I'm not sure where you get my partner has told his children about his wife's affair, that's adult business, not children. Despite our mistakes as adults, children deserve to love us as parents without being asked to judge or convicted us. That being said, his wife DID tell them, amongst other crap, but that's not something we could prevent.. We do the best we can from here.
I was posting it for background knowledge, not having anything to do with the kids.

Not take it slow to see about

Not take it slow to see about the relationship with the guy, but take it very slow to see if you can actually live with the constant hostility. Most women would not think of themselves as emotionally fragile but you recognize that about yourself right off the bat, which is good. Take the time to see if coping with a high stress situation is really what you want and can deal with in your life.

Also, she had already deleted

Also, she had already deleted me from FB. However it is obvious that my posts were not intended to hurt and i can't be responsible for her personalizing. She is the one continually refusing to come out to visit, so how does she turn around and blame anyone else for her feeling discluded?

I am quite a perceptive

I am quite a perceptive person, but because I genuinely wanted a happy blended family with my ss (and as I also a skid myself) I bent over backwards enduring abuse, upset, stress and unhappiness to ensure everyone elses needs were met. So it took me some time to realise all you can do is be yourself, manage the situation you are in VS proving yourself, protect yourself from toxicity and change how YOU react/behave/interact if the same things are repeatedly occurring.

Right now you are going round in circles expecting different results from your sd e.g she facebook (fb) requests you, you accept, be yourself, she freaks and deletes you...same thing happens again. STOP. STOP.

Your sd has been told you are funding her trips to see her dad, yet she quite happily blames you for preventing her from seeing her father. So WTF are you doing bankrolling this? Ok, you are locked into doing this this time and I am assuming you want to make your OH happy, and this is your way of supporting him, however you seriously need to stop giving to someone who isnt grateful for it. Its morally wrong and all it does is cause you hassle.

Its time to disengage. You arent going to change sd, its not your job to *prove* yourself to her. SD is acting disrespectful towards you and it matters not a jot that there is a reason for thisi.e. the fact your OH has had disposable gf's in the past. Not your problem (my PIL judged me before they met/knew me because my OH's previous couple of gf's were AWFUL...not MY problem and eventually they were forced to apologise otherwise I wouldnt have a relationship with them). Yes shes 16, however you and OH acknowledge she is misbehaving and being rude. So its time you both set clear boundaries and that includes ceasing the niceties...doesnt mean you have to be vile, spiteful or rude to her, just means you distance yourself from her in order to minimise the opportunity to blame you, to be nasty to you.

You need to manage sd like she is a chore. By all means be polite, however stop friending her on fb. She blames you for obstructing her relationship with OH? Take yourself out of the equation, that means stop financing her trips, nice things...if she expresses surprise and disgust over this remind her of her disrespect towards you (besides which how would you handle her if she was your child? Give her things?)??!!!

The ONLY thing YOU can control is YOUR behaviour. Currently your reaction to things is resulting in similar outcomes = your sd continuing being rude and horrible. So adapt and change. Shes staying in your home, have you and OH discussed your mutual expectations of house rules while she stays with you? Have you discussed what your OH will do when the rules are broken i.e. consequences?

Right now you are panicking over your sd's visit because she has declared war on YOU, well in order to *manage* her and the situation you and OH need to plan, agree and work as a team. Running away will only give her what she wants and after all WHY should you be run out of your home for a 16 yr old? Thats ridiculous.

You can do this. Remember that sd doesnt want to be your friend, so make sure you give OH plenty of one on one time with sd, be civil, polite to her but keep your emotional distance. Dont try too hard, dont invite her to do things. Make sure you have fun things planned with your friends, DD's separate from sd and should she express a wish to be included then she is to behave, demonstrate continued respect for you and if she breaks that ONCE then all invites are to be immediately revoked ..."sd you are continually rude to me, even though I have financed your trip to see your dad. That makes me sad and I will not continue to condone you treating me like this, so no I do not want you to come to with me to do x. Not until you learn to treat me with respect and civilty. Until I trust you can act in this manner, you will not be accompanying me on nice fun days out."

Make sure your OH is aware of your stance on this before this occurs and that he is willing to back you up 100%!

Thank you. That was helpful.

This time finances work out a bit differently as we are semi sharing expenses, just for the time being, so I am not totally funding it, but it will have repercussions on BOTH of us regardless.

I have told OH now that if she chooses to stay at his moms, half an hour away, it is a blatant statement she does not want to partake in our lives.. So ss will be with us as well as dd and we will be doing fun things, and she will be opting out of those, as I will NOT allow us to taxi all over to accommodate her. I stressed that I would not allow it of my own 16yo dd, and won't for his. He agrees..

I have told him I will come on the trip, and will be here, but I will not engage, I will walk away, at the slightest hint of anything. I am typically pretty big on needing people to like me, but I really don't feel the need with her. I have given everything and she's done nothing but hurt her dad and I, and even been told point blank, and could care less.

When my own dd showed attitude about having step siblings, I remedies her out and told her to give them a chance.. She shaped up pretty quickly once given reality. This is so frustrating.

Thank you for the help!

Stepmisery-Thanks for

Stepmisery-Thanks for clarifying, I tend to get a bit jumpy about people judging my decisions in my relationship as it has happened very fast, and i know some people in my life are skeptical.. I appreciate people's concern that I've already had a failed marriage and jumped into this relationship very quickly after, but it is something even I wouldn't believe was possible unless I was living it myself. He truly is my soulmate.

There is another factor, he fell in love with me despite the fact I am terminally ill... An.d that to me, shows amazing character and proof he is in it for the right reasons.. Now, I know that doesn't fit with some other things I've said /ie-having a baby), which is why I am firm on, unless you know the story, don't try to understand

I think that while this stuff is major at the moment, again, she is 16,and things will change fast, and she lives so far away, and i don't see that changing. I know the problem doesn't stop at 18,but they way we deal with it does.

Since OH is so on my side, it would take alot for me to deem our children cause enough to let go of my happiness.

But thank you so much for clarifying

ALOT of this is me, and my need to know how to handle it, and not take it personally, because I am so lucky to have an OH who sees things for what they are and stands by my side.