Help!

confusedinTX's picture

I am new to this and at my wits end with my stepson. He turned 17 about a month ago. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and together for 4. I have another stepson who is 23 that there are no issues with and 2 children of my own 12 and 16. 

Heres the deal. My 17 yr old stepson can do NO wrong and is never punished or held accountable for his actions. There is zero discipline. When things happen with my 16 year old, privileges are immediately gone until I decide otherwise. The stepson talks back, is a total smartass to me and his dad, goes and comes as he pleases, I’ll cook dinner and he will just walk out and go pick up fast food and come home with it. His father tells him nothing! As a matter of fact he gets mad at me for being mad at his son. His response is alway “you just don’t like —-“.  Another example, if we are on a long drive and grab something to eat on the road, if it’s not what the stepson wants, he will refuse to eat, throw a fit, yell, talk back and just be an ass. 30 mins down the road, my husband will stop at wherever it was the stepson wanted to eat and get him what he wants. I get mad, husband gets mad at me and again tells me I just don’t like his kid. His son brought a vaper and oils to my son. Both get caught, my son has allll his freedoms taken away. Can you guess what the stepson gets?? NOTHING. I get mad and yep. He again says I just don’t like his kid. At this point I’m not sure I do! I’m so tired of being treated like an outsider in my own home. My opinion doesn’t matter. Everything I get upset about is “because I don’t like his kid”. My problem is, his son knows that he can get away with anything. He knows there will be no consequences so he just keeps on and keeps on and keeps on. His mother lives in another state. Before she moved my step son lived with her and her husband. He ended up gettin kicked out because of the behaviors I have mentioned. He and his stepfather do not get along because he is a smart ass to him and all the other things mentioned. So now he lives with us. Mom moves to another state. My husband doesn’t want him to leave us to move to another state. I believe this is why he refuses to dish out punishment. I don’t know how to handle this. I am tired of being disrespected by both my husband and stepson. Help!!

confusedinTX's picture

I should also mention, my children have chores such as laundry, dishes, keeping their rooms clean, picking up after themselves, etc. my stepson does NONE of these things. Then when I tell him to pick up his trash or dirty dishes he says “they aren’t mine” and walks out. I will tell husband and instead of telling his son to do it or to listen to me, the husband will go take care of it. 

ESMOD's picture

I am assuming you are the one disciplining your son.  I think you should leave discipline of HIS son to him.  If it isn't equal... so be it.  Your son will benefit from your oversight.. his will have a harder row to hoe when others are not as easy on him.  Now, if there is an issue with a mess he creates.. or an assigned chore he doesn't do.  Your DH can do it instead. 

AND.. yes.. of course.. make sure you know what the plan is when his boy graduates HS. (turns 18).. if he is to be allowed to live at him (if your son would as well?).. what are the conditions.  full time employment?  paying rent?  time limit? school attendance (college)?.

Unfortunately, as a step-parent, you are somewhat limited as to the discipline of a stepchild if the parent does not back up your position.  That being said, that doesn't mean that YOU need to be similarly lax with your son.  BUT, your DH should also not be the one coming down on your kid like a hammer if he isn't expecting similar behavior standards from his own son.

confusedinTX's picture

Thank you. I am feeling like the only thing to do is completely divide the household. He is currently allowed to tell my children to clean their messes or get on their ass if homework or school work is lacking etc.  I have no problem with helping me raise better member of society!

i completely agree with letting my husband take care of his kids messes. That is starting now. 

His son is joining the military when he graduates. Dad was a marine. Kid wants to do something to follow footsteps. He is a junior so another year and a half or so. 

Java_Junkie's picture

His son is joining the military when he graduates. Dad was a marine. Kid wants to do something to follow footsteps. He is a junior so another year and a half or so.

Guess what? I was a little punky, not near as bad as your SS is. I wound up a Marine, and sure as the sun came up this morning, it was in that environment that I truly became my own man.

One thing I'd recommend... Show him how to do a few things - life skills - so he'll adapt and overcome a little easier. In the USMC, every Thursday evening, we'd "field day" the barracks. Everyone took a responsibility of a "common area" in addition to their own area, and we'd get the place spiffy for weekly Friday morning inspection. Everyone learned how to take a little pride in their home and figured out that life was way easier if they DIDN'T MAKE A MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE, or if they did, THEY CLEANED IT UP IMMEDIATELY. If he (or DH) resists the idea, just know that after boot camp, you'll get THAT guy. Unless he becomes a reservist LOL...

Semper Fi! 

Rags's picture

Marines, at least good ones, don't raise POS children.  At least that is the case for my Marine dad.  I would be interested in understanding where USMC daddy failed as a parent to this kid.  One thing is for sure.  The kid that comes back from Boot Camp will not be the same as the one who went in.  Either he will come out a marine or he will come out a snivvling baby.

I hope for his sake that it is the former and not the later.

Java_Junkie's picture

There are exceptions to every rule.

Either he'll be a Marine, or he'll get the boot and be a civilian with a shaved head and will badmouth the military for the rest of his life.

tog redux's picture

Your DH is neglecting his son by refusing to parent him.  I personally would not stay in a marriage with someone who neglected his child and then blamed me when I pointed it out.  This kid is not going to launch, don't count on that. And DH is not going to kick him out or make him launch, either, he's just going to shut you up by saying that it's just that "you don't like him," so he can go back to neglecting his child and refusing to parent.

I'd have zero respect for him.

confusedinTX's picture

I’m praying I can just hold out till the kid graduates and leaves...

i never saw this side before we were married because the SS lived with his mom. I heard stories of stepdad having issues with him. It was presented to where I honestly thought the stepdad was an ass and treating him badly. I now feel for stepdad...

Merry's picture

IIf you can live through this current nightmare of crap parenting by your DH, you will find that YOUR kids will be successful adults because they have been taught to be responsible. Your SS will expect everything handed to him -- so he won't be able to keep a job. Just make sure he doesn't end up in your house after he graduates high school.

Lordy I can't see him making it in the Marines if he throws a fit about meals while traveling and some of the other things you mentioned. I hope his grades are good enough to get in.

stay or go's picture

I feel like we are living in same house! I have no answers for your or myself but I wish you all the best. This is so hard and it just makes me terribly sad.