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Should I disengage?

FireandIceMama's picture
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I don’t know if I should start disengaging from two of my four stepchildren. I have a 15 year old stepson, 11 year old stepdaughter, 8 year old stepdaughter, and 5 year old stepson. My husband and I also have a 7 month old daughter together. 

When we first got together, it was only four months in to our relationship that we had his kids full time. Their mom had gotten involved with drugs and became homeless. For an entire year, she had no contact with the kids and did not see them. After that, she would call every once in a while. She has since gotten better and is in recovery. She now has a small house that she rents and a part time job. I am honestly happy that she has gotten her life together. 

Now to the stepkids. Once biomom got her life together, 15 year old stepson starting acting out. His grades have slipped and he is bringing home solid E’s. He has already been held back in elementary school, so he is only going in to 9th grade instead of being in 10th. He failed this year, but the school still pushed him through. 

Since he was failing, husband and I took away his PlayStation and cell phone. He was told he needed to bring his grades up or he wouldn’t get them back. Biomom thought it was too much and that it was a lot of pressure on him and that he should have his things. Honestly, we would have been happy if he got C’s, but he refuses to do all homework, classwork, and tests. We get a phone calls from the school every single day about how he doesn’t listen, back talks the teachers, and disrupts class. Biomom doesn’t believe this and thinks the school is lying. 

About four months ago, I was still on maternity leave. Stepson got off the bus from school, came in the door and said he was leaving and going to his mom’s. That my rules were stupid and he was going somewhere better. He went to his room and packed a bag. Then he went in my husband’s and my bedroom and started going through dresser drawers. I told him he didn’t need anything in our bedroom. I was holding the baby as she had just finished eating. He screamed at me, told me to get the f out of his way, and pushed me while I was holding his baby sister. 

After that, he leaves the house and someone comes to pick him up. Next thing I know, my husband calls me from work and asks why I chased his son out of the house and down the street screaming at him to never come back. I never left the house as I was taking care of an infant, but his son has started developing a habit of lying over everything. I told him what happened and he believed me. We have not seen stepson since and he only calls my husband to ask for money to buy video games. When he doesn’t give it to him, he gets mad, cusses at him, and hangs up.

I wish I could say that is the only issue. His 8 year old daughter 10 times worse. She has anger and authority issues. Probably about a year after her father and I started dating, she began to lash out and hit. She punches me, slaps, kicks, and scratches me. She will get in my face and scream, tell me that she hates me, hopes that I die. 

Once I got pregnant, it became worse. She tried to push me down the stairs twice when I was over 6 months pregnant.  She hit me in my stomach numerous times. I had my daughter via csection, and she repeatedly has hit me in the stomach causing a significant amount of pain. Not only does she hit, but she also now throws whatever she can get her hands on at me. 

Her mother thinks I over exaggerate and my husband thinks that because of everything she has gone through, I need to cut her some slack. She is also failing in school. She took a state reading test and scored in the second percentile. She is pulling straight E’s and has major disciplinary problems in school. She also stole two diamond rings from my mother that were family heirlooms. We don’t know what she did with them, she won’t give them back or tell us what she did other than she took them.

Most recently I was watching her and she was upset because she was grounded for her behavior and wasn’t allowed to go outside. She ended up running away and was found two hours later about two miles from the house. She has also now gone to live with her mom. 

The kids have always been difficult, but they were never this bad. I have loved and helped raise these kids, I stepped up when their mom stepped out on them. I bought clothes, put food on the table, went on field trips, signed them up and took them to activities. I know being a stepmom is tough, but should I disengage from the two at this point? I feel like I am giving up on them, but now I have a daughter and I want to make sure I protect her. My other stepdaughter and stepson are wonderful and loving kids.

 

GSF300's picture

Yes you should definitley disengage, I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that. From what I've learned on this site and in personal expereince. Put your marriage first. Continue to care for your children ( bio and step) but STEP way back from the ones that are causing issues. That should fall on your husband to manage. Especially if they are using that kind of language and physically trying to harm you. Thats awful. No one should ever have to experience that. I hope everything gets better and your able to find a balance. Sad

Aunt Agatha's picture

Both children committed domestic violence.  I would have called the police on them as this is ridiculous.

Now that they are at BMs, they would not be allowed back in my house.  Period.

Disengage and have your DH (if you can call someone who acts like this dear) that they are not allowed back.

FireandIceMama's picture

I honestly wanted to call the cops, but I figured if I went that way, it would be an end to my marriage. I don’t know long term that we will be able to get through this anyway, but if I had called the cops on his kids I know it would have caused issues. I’ve told him at this point though, if either of them does anything again, I will call the police.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Your DH doesn’t seem nearly as concerned with your and your baby’s health.  8 years old can cause damage and if left Uncorrected, will only escalate.

At this point, you may be better off without him.  

BethAnne's picture

Yes, disenage. Generally I do nothing for people who do not respect me, even children. 

Your SD needs professional help. It doesn't sound like she is getting any. Not getting proper medical treatment for your children is negligent. I would be seriously wondering why my husband was not doing more to help her and to protect the other members of his family. 

FireandIceMama's picture

She actually does go to a therapist. Sorry I didn’t put that in the original post. She has been diagnosed with ADHD, but I think it is more than that. They have her on two different ADHD medicines and she is also on an antipsychotic, but honestly, I don’t think they work. Therapy doesn’t seem to help and I have even gone to therapy sessions with her and my husband. The therapist is aware of her violent tendencies, but all they seem to do is just give her more medicine.

Harry's picture

BM could of been on drugs or alcohol when PG with the kids and they have mental problems from that. BM leaving her kids did not help also.  They need professional help, someone with MD after there name to start with. 

There nothing you can do, with, or about sick kids.  But you must protect yourself DD.   Good the 15 yo SS and SD are at BM,  keep them there, no good will come from them living in your home.  They first have to go for treatment before you make any plans with them. 

Unfortunately your marriage many be over,  depending on how your DH is seeing this.  It is his kids, he should see them outside the home.  But you and DD must come first,  you can not be second to mental ill people ! 

Since you can not do anything, you input does not matter, you must disengage from all of it. If the younger SK are ok that find something to work with, but understand stand as they get older mental illness comes out. Once they hit the pre teens years, so be on guard.

DH has to support his kids as the law requires, with CS to a BM, but there don’t have to be extras, Vacation, Gifts, money is earned by being nice people. 

I feel so bad for you, you tryed to do the right thing and get kicked in the face for your efforts.  Some of us lived through this,  You have to understand they are sick, they can not help themselves. It’s not your fault, you are not the parent. You should have no guilt in all of this.  The guilt is the hardest to get over,  DH has to be guilt for doing this to his kidsv