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Disengaging Financially?

Lauren B's picture

Just wanted to say that this was my first visit to this site. I am the future SM of a SD15 and SS12, and all of the conversation about disengaging has been so helpful! Thanks for those posts.

Just a few questions I thought some of you may be able to help with:

How do you/would you "disengage" when it comes to money? My fiance and the BM have 50/50 custody, and the agreement has always been that they split all of the expenses right down the middle-- School clothes, cell phone bills etc. Fiance and I share all income and though he makes more than I do, I still make a reasonable financial contribution to the household (we could not get by on his income alone). A few years back, SD (then in 8th grade) wanted to go on her school's Washington D.C. trip, which cost around $4000. Because it was split, we had to come up with around $1500 (she did some fundraising and family members pitched in). I never thought she should be allowed to go on trip because of her terrible grades and poor attitude (seemed like she felt she was entitled to go, and didn't realize it was a privilege), and because it would be a financial struggle for us, but it was a battle that I learned I had little to no say in (Even though my income was helping to fund our portion of the trip). I was never happy about this decision and that I helped fund a trip (vacation?) for someone who was terrible to me.

Well, it's happening again. This time I am having a harder time keeping my mouth shut. We just found out that SD15 has been approved to go on the school choir's annual trip to Europe. It costs somewhere around $5-6K. Of course, BM is completely supportive of trip (even though she can't really afford it), and has already said yes to SD. We are expected to come up with half. Fiance and I are busy planning our wedding and honeymoon (BIG expenses) and to be honest, I don't feel that SD15 deserves this trip-- Or that any 15-year-old does. She is disrespectful to me, and like so many of the stories I have read on this forum, I am always the bad guy. I feel absolutely no desire to help fund this trip. SD does not contribute to the household in any way, has never had to do a chore, scoffs when we ask her to do something, gets terrible grades, and generally has no sense of accountability or responsibility. Also, this is a trip that is put on every year by her HS choir. My suggestion is that we wait until her senior year, if at all. I have a hard time paying for a school trip (vacation?) when her father and I have never really ever had a vacation together and neither of us has ever left the US.

I imagine this is going to be a big fight in the next coming months. My fiance will generally succumb to SD and BM because he doesn't want to fight (believe me, also an issue). Like many of you, when I discuss issues with SD with him, it generally turns into a fight and I am usually "picking" on her. I have learned to pick my battles and for the most part he and I don't have many arguments about the kids.

How do I say that I do not want to pay for this trip? How, in the future, do I say that she has not earned a vehicle? That trips and cars are not things that teenagers are entitled to? Should I separate our income? I do not feel that as a SM I should have to sacrifice my money (and sanity) to provide unnecessary luxuries to a 15 yr old, but at the end of the day, I am only 1/3 of the parenting trifecta and as a step parent have about a 0% say-- except when my money is involved, right?

I realize that as a parent, one of the goals is to give your kids experiences and opportunities that you never had. I know that to a lot of people I am going to come off as being selfish in prioritizing my wedding/honeymoon over this Europe trip. Honestly, if she were a better student, had a job (babysitting?) to help contribute even a little bit, was more helpful and maybe just generally a nicer person, I might consider the trip, however I do not foresee that anytime soon.

Thanks for any help you guys can come up with!

pissedoff205's picture

I totally agreww with TCM. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Atleast, unlike me, sees what you will be getting. My,now 20yr old, SD dont think she should have to work nor do house chores. But anyway this is about you. Maybe you should keep seperate money just to see how things work. I would suggest thinking about whether or not you want to give SD & BM your future. You already know you got your work cut out for you when you marry your DH. After some of my circle friends talking to me on here, I decided to take charge of my marriage. I have been married for 5 months and it has been hell but now I am in the driver seat and it feels good. Dont let the brat and her mom run you off. That is their intentions. I would not fund the trip and if your future DH does then tell him as long as it doesnt interfer with your wedding. You deserve to be happy putting up with the amount of crap we SP have to put up with. I wonder do men have the same problem? Tell your future DH that you are not picking on his precious little demon child but am simply trying to prepare her to be independent by letting her work for earn what she gets because not everything will be given to her also tell him you are trying to put her best interest in heart and that you have nothing against her. Make sure you get an understanding on what issues you can address with him concerning her. If he truly loves you he will listen and care about how you feel. Discuss your ground rules before you get married. I wish you well.

herewegoagain's picture

Split your accounts NOW. You CANNOT have a joint account or bills with someone who believes they have the right to spend the money as THEY see fit. Once the accounts/bills are split, if he has extra money to pay for crap for his kids, then make sure that if he then doesn't have enough for himself, that you do NOT give him ANY of your money...I promise you that once he sees that they don't care if he lives under a bridge, the money flowing out will stop. I promise.

My DH saw no problem doing similar things until the bills were split. Once split, after a few weeks of me buying things for myself or going out to lunch with co-workers, while he couldn't even afford a 6 pack of beer, he stopped handing out money like an idiot.

tweetybird74's picture

IMO, your StbDH should not be even expecting you to put any of your money into this or anything for your SD. My DH and I have seperate accounts. In 10 years he has never asked me to contribute to anything for his son, I have paid for things for my SS but that is because I chose to, not because it was expected. You need to tell your DH she is not your financial responsibility and also you may wish to consider seperate bank accounts.

Jsmom's picture

This is exactly why my money is not co-mingled with DH's....I will not pay anything for SD or SS. They are not my kids. I don't ask DH to pay for my son and his high adventure scouting. That is my problem. Just like this is his problem. For the record, my kids trips have cost thousands but, he is a straight a student. If they don't deserve them they don't go...

Disneyfan's picture

This is why I refuse to have joint accounts with DF.
As a SM I have no desire for my money to help with extras for my SDs. As a BM, I refuse to allow my DF to have a say in how I spend my money on my son.

Let your DF how you feel about funding these trips. If he wants her to go, then he has to fund it himself.
If that means getting a second job or working tons of overtime, so be it.

twopines's picture

None of my income is used for anything skid related. By the same token, DH doesn't get a say in how I spend my money on my own DD. If there's going to be conflict with who deserves what and when, then it's a useful boundary to have straight from the beginning. That way, the reasons for not wanting to contribute don't matter. You just stick to your rule and be done with it.

Lauren B's picture

Thank you all for your input! It kind of reinforces what I have been thinking/feeling.

To be fair, we have always had this "in it together" attitude about our relationship. I don't think I would feel right about separating our accounts, and I would hate it if I didn't have access to his money (seeing as how he does make more!) But thanks to all of your advice, I will definitely be more vocal and more firm about how our collective money will be spent on the kids.

I realize I wasn't clear about this, but he is not happy that BM said "Yes" to trip without consulting him first. That's their issue.

Fiance and I definitely understand that trying to blend is going to be our biggest issue in our future marriage, but what pissedoff205 said is right, I do know what I am getting in to. We've lived together for 5 years so there are definitely no surprises, and we are taking the time now (before the wedding!) to figure out how to better communicate with each other about kid issues. I don't have any kids, so I know that he often feels bombarded with complaints from me.

TASHA1983's picture

NOT MY KID...NOT MY PROBLEM!!! PERIOD! PLAIN & SIMPLE!

That one simple phrase ALONE is ALL that is needed to be said!!!

hippiegirl's picture

Would separate bank accounts be an option? Step-shits don't get any of my money, plain & simple. I have my own kids to spend my money on. Dear ole dad wants to support his grown-ass kids, that's on him.

smartone's picture

What your fdh should do is tell sd how much he CAN provide for the trip. SD has to raise the rest herself. If she doesn't, she doesn't go. If she wants it badly enough, she will do it, if she doesn't, no one has to pay anything.

doll faced sm's picture

At 15 she could have a job if she wanted to spend money like that. Friday evening 4:30 - close, 8 hr.s Saturday, and 8 hr.s Sunday to end no later than, say, 8:00 pm; that's 22.5 hr.s/week right there. In a little under 19 weeks, just working weekends, she could have saved up half. A lack of planning on her part should not constitute and emergency on yours.

Lauren B's picture

I agree. Not her parent, though, and can't force the issue. She really just shouldn't be going at all. I don't know how we could ever expect her to hold down a job on top of the schoolwork she can't manage.

Kasey21's picture

I stay well and truly disengaged financially. Its bad enough having to put up with spoilt SD and SS but having to input financially into that spoiling would be unacceptable to me. I raised two kids by myself after my late husband was killed and before we even moved in together with my current DH, made it clear that I wanted to keep our finances separate. I had seen enough signs of him forking out extra money for the skids. The BM spends most of the child support on botox and living a lifestyle well beyond her means. Then cries foul play when there is not enough money for the skids. He supplements with extra money for clothes, extra curricular things, school etc. He wont tackle any of them because he is basically afraid to lose them, even though he won't admit that. He is a good parent so I don't complain but I have no intention ever of paying for another woman's silly botox injections. The only way I keep my sanity is to keep my finances separate. We all have different priorities and I keep my hard earned money for me and my own kids. At times I know it annoys him (we earn about the same) but I still say its the best way otherwise I would be a shrieking shrew all the time Smile

Freshstart's picture

I am in a similar position to you and have an SD16 at an exclusive girl's school. The last request for a trip was her tossing the piece of paper for a $1700 one week trip to Sydney on the couch next to us. Yes that is right she did not even ask and yes after she did get a reprimand from DH, she did get to go. I think these exclusive schools are out of control and I do not understand how putting these options in front of teenagers without reinforcing the need to earn things in life is healthy. Maybe having had a fairly ordinary background where I worked holiday jobs etc, I am not even qualified to understand all this.

So you are in a tricky spot and I understand.

Realistically, you may need to do what we did and pay one more time on the proviso that SD does specific tasks around the house for a nominated period for example and then communicate clearly to SD that this is the last time. Any future "free trips" will required her contribution via tasks done around the house for money, part time job at 16 etc.

I feel for you and have been there too. Unfortunately once your finances are together you are in the world of compromise and pain trying to help guilty daddy stop forking out the money to buy love.

amber3902's picture

You should definitely separate your fiances NOW before things gets any worse.

Both of you contribute towards the household bills according to how much you make, for example- you contribute 30% he contribute 70%.
Anything that's left over you keep in your own bank account, and he uses his left over to pay what he wants for his kids.

This will avoid any arguments over money spent on step kids.

Lauren B's picture

You are definitely a downer! I can't believe how many people suggested throwing in the towel. I was actually looking for productive solutions and maybe a better way to communicate with fDH.

But you're right, if two mature, educated adults with common goals can't resolve a disagreement (as minor as this one) then we absolutely should not be married. Fortunately, I don't think that will be an issue. I have every certainty that we can and will resolve it. It's more just a matter of how.

Maybe I am naive. Or maybe you're jaded.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

The problem with this *minor* disagreement is not that it cannot be resolved by 2 mature educated adults but that it is indicative of deeper issues that will manifest themselves again and again and again... many of us on this forum have found out the hard way how much they really grate on us and make us wonder, is it really worth it? Yours is a scenario that is so common it sounds like we are all reading from the same script. You are not selfish for wanting a honeymoon, your SD does NOT deserve a trip to Europe but your fDH does not see eye to eye with you, and you will have to swallow your objections many times in the future if you do not want to fight. If you can be happy with it, so be it. If not - you will be miserable even if you keep quiet because it goes against your values. If the SD was nice and loving to you, you could be convinced that by giving her this trip you are buying peace and happiness for all. But she is not, and having to fund extravagant purchases for people who treat you badly makes me, for one, really mad. It also makes me wish my DH had more of a backbone... and that might erode our relationship.

So i am not sure if you are naive or if many of us here are jaded, or both, but you probably do not realize right now just how much weight those issues carry. They are a real downer.

Lauren B's picture

I don't disagree with anything you're saying. My first inclination would not be to give up though--at this point.

amber3902's picture

It’s not that we’re jaded. It’s that we’ve experienced it.
You asked how do you disengage financially?

How else WOULD you disengage if not to separate finances?

You said that the two of you have lived together for FIVE years and in this FIVE years this issues STILL hasn’t been resolved? You may think “picking your battles” is your method of resolving this, but if that’s the case, you wouldn’t be on here looking for help.

“I was actually looking for productive solutions and maybe a better way to communicate with fDH.”

You can say it in 15 different languages, sign language, backwards, it doesn’t matter. You think there is some special way of communicating with FI that is going to make him wake up tomorrow morning and magically grows a spine. Sorry, until he realizes how he is being used, this is going to continue happening.

You have two contradicting policies: You want an “in it together” attitude, but you do not want your money spent on SD. You can’t have both. Either you separate your finances, or you accept that some of your money will be spent on the bratty SD.

Lauren B's picture

Thanks for your comment, though I have a hard time not feeling a bit attacked. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I think I did admit that I may be naive. A lot of you have had a lot more time to figure this out, with a lot more kids involved for a longer period of time. Who am I to disregard what you say? I will say it is fairly discouraging, actually, to read a lot of the situations on these forums.

I do think that not getting married is a little extreme. I feel like fDH is very supportive, for the most part. I vented here before I talked to him about it because I knew that it had the potential to turn into a fight.

Turns out, I approached him about it tonight, and he agreed that he does not think she deserves the trip either. He says if BM is hell bent on sending her regardless of her disrespect and poor grades, then it's on her to pay for it. If SD can keep her grades up, and her attitude significantly improves (and I mean significantly), then he and I have an agreed upon number that we are willing to contribute (whimsey6 and smartone suggested this). Anything above and beyond that SD will have to figure out on her own through fundraising and possibly a job.

I was pleasantly surprised that we agreed and that it didn't turn into an argument. I imagine that will change when fDH has to explain this to BM, but the fight will be between them at that point. I have no reason to think that he won't stand by our decision.

I am not willing to separate accounts, simply because I enjoy having access to his money, and it would be a huge hassle to separate bills that have been combined for years now. I generally have no problem spending my (our) money on skids, and gladly take them back-to-school shopping most years.

At the end of the day, I don't hate my SD, and after reading a lot of the posts here (I posted this my first visit and have been following daily), think I have it pretty easy and should probably stop griping. DH is generally pretty good about drawing a hard line with his kids, but he's not perfect. It's been five years, like you said, and things have only improved, so I can't imagine at this point things getting worse.

I really felt the article about disengaging was thought provoking, but just like anything else in life, you have to adapt it to what works for you. I feel like at this point I am able to pick and choose what I engage/disengage. Maybe that will change at some point.

Thank you to everybody who provided insight.

Amberelle11's picture

"Turns out, I approached him about it tonight, and he agreed that he does not think she deserves the trip either. He says if BM is hell bent on sending her regardless of her disrespect and poor grades, then it's on her to pay for it. If SD can keep her grades up, and her attitude significantly improves (and I mean significantly), then he and I have an agreed upon number that we are willing to contribute (whimsey6 and smartone suggested this). Anything above and beyond that SD will have to figure out on her own through fundraising and possibly a job."

This is how we operate. the ex has spent so many years guilt tripping and using the kids as ways to get things from my husband. Because the ex would randomly send us letters demand rediculous amounts of money outside the child support we were already paying, we made a rule that "if we are not a part of the discussion and decision making, then we will not contribute". She already recieves money from us, so does not know our financial position and she needs to be an adult and have a civil conversation with us about what she wants us to do and speak to us about whether we could financially afford to contribute (She would randomly send us a letter that would say "I decided to sign up Ali for a private school this year and your portion of the bill is $5,000.00 and I need it by next week.".....Ummmm...No, you will not be getting ANYTHING because 1. YOU made this decision without consulting us about it, your decision, YOU pay for it! 2. We don't agree with your decision to do that and 3. We don't have the money anyways!

It's all about bounderies isn't it?