Sorry not a dad here, but I can give my advice. I dated a single dad who had a 7 year old son. My biggest mistake was waiting almost a year to meet and get to know his kid. By the time you meet the kid, you are already emotionally attached to the father, so even though I saw red flags with the son, I did not want to break things off.

The relationship lasted two years before I had to break up with him. Basically, he was a lazy, guilty parent. He had no problem pointing out my daughter's problems, but couldn't stand to hear similar criticism of his son's behavior.

I know, all the "experts" say wait six months to a year before introducing kids to someone you are dating. I say that's wrong. You need to see what kind of parent this guy is. The only way you can do that is if you watch dad and his daughter interact.

Not a single dad either but....

Meet the kid! Even if you like the kid... READ about all these feelings and problems on the general forum. Ask EVERY question and EVERY scenario to your boyfriend and ask him what he would do and how he feels. If he worships his kid like the sun.. RUN. If he is open and talks to you about stuff... consider more.

This is what I have learned:

-MY "feelings," are mostly about how my husband reacts to his Daughter.

-The SD6 isn't super horrible it's her actions that are

-The only people who change/raise children are the parents, which means while under my roof it's my responsibility and right to enforce my rules

-My husband is MY husband before he is a father so it's MY way first.

-HE only has one wife, and if he wants me to be it, he will treat me like it and treat his child like his child.

-My feelings and wishes are valid

-There are times when it's ok for me to be selfish, I have a life too

-SD has 12 grandparents who give her gifts and love her, she isn't a victim.

-If we treat her a certain way because we feel guilty she will always be a victim

-She has gone on more vacations that I have in the last 2 years... so it's ok for me to go places with out her.

-SD wants me to treat her like a kid, not respect her like an adult

-SD wants to please me, I have to show her how

-My husband needs to know how I feel, even when the message is SO horrible and makes me look like a selfish brat.

-Wanting my husband to act like MY husband and have me as his top priority isn't WRONG!

-My husband does not know more about parenting simply because he has reproduced

-If I ever have my own kids I will treat them differently that SD because they are different people and have different lives and values

-Baby mama will always be a slut, but SD will have a choice

-When SD asks why her parent's are not together and whats to know what happened I think it is our duty to be honest with her.

-My Husband and I need to be on the same page when it comes to the expectation we have for SD.

-I need to help my husband get over his guilt

-I will never love SD like my own, simply because she is not

-Taking a break from SD is perfectly normal, natural and necessary

-If my husband and I can't help SD become a responsible person who isn't a slut, she has no chance.

-SD will piss me off... SD will never go away.... SD will always ask for money... SD will learn how to impress me... SD may never want to impress me... SD will learn how to respect my financial contribution to her life...

-LAST. My husband has robbed me and my future children of having a traditional family and for that fact I am still working on forgiving him.

----RUN!

Step Parent's Bill of Rights.

Not exactly the flavor of dad you are looking for but I am a dad, married to a woman with a kid. I have no biospawn.

You have been counseled by the experts. Those experts are women who have chosen to marry single dads.

Now I will give you a male perspective.

You and your marriage must be the top priority for your SO/DH/Spouse and he and the marriage must be your top priority. For both of you this must apply. The relationship takes priority over any children that either of you bring to the marriage or that are a result of your marriage. The kids benefit from the strong adult relationship at the core of the home but they are not the priority. They are a party to the marriage but not a part of the marriage.

I married my wife when my SS-20 was 1yo. It took a bit of time but it became crystal clear that if we were to be equity partners in our marriage and life together that I had to be an equity parent to any kids in my/our home. And for damned sure I have far more equity as a parent than the bioparent who is not a part of my marriage. My home, my marrige, my rules. If my spouse can't grasp that concept and work with me to make our home, marriage and rules together than she has one choice. Accept what I decide. I give her the respect of working with her on these things so I must have the same respect from her.

Fortunately, she and I are truly partners in life and we worked it out. In our case the most difficult element of blended family life was child discipline. For some reason quilt seems to be a universtal infection in any single or divorced parent. Guilt over how the child came to be, guilt over the demise of the marriage that produced the child, guilt over the child having to have multiple homes, families, rules, etc...... This guilt nearly invariably results in the bioparent in the home taking exception to the kid being held accountable for their behavior.

For us what finally got us aligned was my refusal to tolerate unacceptable and inappropriate behavior from the kid. This resulted in my bride taking exception to how I disciplined the kid upon occassion. When she took exception I gave her a choice "If you don't like how I discipline or that I discipline then you better step up and get it done before I have to." That got the point across and she actually took over the role of primary disciplinarian. Not that I stopped being an equity parent, it was just that she did step up and get it done before I had to on most occassions.

Interestingly the kid took notice and actually sat his mom and I down for a talk asking for me to take back over the primary discipline role. With me the behavior was addressed, discipline applied and we moved on. With his mom, well she is a woman and takes a long time to forget and to work through issues. So, discipline for a behavior tended to be a longer term event when she did it than when I did it.

For background, we only have one child in our marriage. Our son (my SS) who is nearly 21 and who has been on his own serving in the USAF and going to universtity since he was 18 does have a relationship with his biodad and the SpermCLan. That relationship is fading as he gets older because he sees the toxic crap that is resident in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool now that he is a young adult.

You asked for advice so here is my advice:

1) Do not tolerate your relationship being anything less than THE #1 priority for your SO.
2) Any decision that deals with the Skid impacts you and you will be involved, have an opinion and even hold VETO rights.
3) Respectful behvior from the Skid is not an option, it is obligatory and carries notable consequences if not adhered to.
4) It is okay to make fun of and bad mouth your SO's Ex. However, it is never okay to bad mouth or make fun of your SO's Ex when the SKid is around..... EVER!!!

You may find the StepParents Bill of Rights to be useful. I believe it is a required list for any couple who make their lives together in a blended family.

Step-parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

If you use the advice others have given you and these items I have presented as the foundation of your blossoming relationship with your single dad boy friend, you should be able to have a quality life together both while the Skids are young and after all of the kids in your marriage have launched.

Good luck.

Sincerely,