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Guys... Please be truthful

Newbie_step's picture

My DH and got married almost a year ago.... there have been lots of fights over the same things over and over again. He thinks and feels that I am the one that starts the fights because I get frustrated at the things he does. He really is a nice man but he's obsessed with his ten year old son. He is in his late forties I am in my mid thirties with older boys. I moved from my home town to his, his home. The issue that keeps resurfacing is how he puts me aside for his son. I mean there are little things but they don't happen once in a while they happen "All the time". They share custody with his ex wife whose a total nut case. They each get the child one week But we get him EVERYDAY because she picks him up from his house after work. Last Friday I stayed at a game that my school had and agreed to meet a little after 8 o'clock for dinner. I was to pick up my son from his job and meet him and the restaurant. He went to the restaurant with his son at 7:15 by the time I finally picked up my 19 year old from work they had already eaten. I was really upset. I felt that as long as his son is with him it doesn't matter if I show up or not. He pointed the fact that he tried texting me between 7:15 and 7:45.
This week is her week... yesterday they had a restaurant night at his son's school I had asked him before if he wanted to go and eat with his son and his ex wife since now they are on "friendlier" terms. He said no. We went to our community gym to work out together. When I finished my cardio he asked me if I was done. I said I need to do three sets. He then follows to tell me that he's going to run to his son school because he just texted him and he want to see him. Honestly I was really... really upset. I told him ok.. I will walk home and he tells me to take the car but I was so mad at him I said no. I will walk home. We live only a block and a half from our community gym he's son's school is almost next to the gym. He got upset that I was upset. He was furious. He still left to his son's school and I made it home. He got home 20 mins later.... the point is that I feel that he has this need to drop whatever he's doing to run and see his son. He is seeing him today because he picks him up every day from school. On the weeks his son is home with us at night... it becomes all about what he wants to do. I find myself making excuses not to come home on the weeks his home at night. Last week he woke up at the same time I did and I am kissing him and hugging him and he tells me "I got to go check on Brad" next thins I know he's laying in bed with him. He says how much his time is limited and how he only works all the time but yet I'm home and he's playing cards with his son because his son won't play with other kids his age. He spoils him and treats him like a 5 year old. And he says I am the one that focuses on petty things. Is always the same argument ... the same issue... he thinks it's me. Not the fact that when his son is around he treats me like he doesn't want me there. I am supposed to play the role of the perfect wife when he's not with us but when he is I am supposed keep my self busy elsewhere? his son is 10 not 5 nor 4.... he points out the damage the mom is doing but refuses to see what he's doing.... I don't know if I can take much more of this.... I don't know how else to tell him that I need his affection too... that I want to be happy with him... he sees me like I am a bitch because I voice my feelings...
Any advice???

Jsmom's picture

My advice is if he doesn't stop making this kid his only priority, he is going to be divorced again. Honestly, this kid is going to be hell when he is a teenager and thinks that world revolves around him, because Daddy showed him that his world did. Good luck, cause teenagers suck....

teristepmom's picture

my suggestion is to start being busy when he is not with his son. Yes - it is "playing games' so spare me the lectures - sometimes people have to be shown what their actions result in. When he asks you why you are suddenly busy, just smile sweetly and say that you assumed he would be with his son. DO NOT under any circumstances let it slip that you are doing this in retaliation or you are toast and he will use it against you. Just act as if this is the natural consequence.

Because it really is. How likely is it that you are going to stick around for this? i agree with the previous poster. He is headed for another divorce anyway. May as well give him a taste of it....

HadEnoughx5's picture

I have to agree with teristepmom, I started doing things and did not include my Dh in my plans. EVERY weekend (and we have skids every other weekend) Dh attends sporting events. Which pisses me off because I would like to have time that does not include skids. So now I have activities for myself because I refuse to watch the world revolve around skids.

HadEnoughx5's picture

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling insignificant in your husbands life. But your not alone. I recommend that you read "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin. It's an excellent book! You will find validation for yourself and see what's happening with your Dh. My husband read the book and he has gotten much better. We aren't perfect but we are in a better place because of the book.

Hang in there and HUGS to you Wink

Newbie_step's picture

I am a passionate person... so tears and heart ache come with our discussions. My tears don't face him and I don't see even a hint of remorse or even empathy when it gets down to me being emotional. I have tried several things... I tried the "can we talk?" to "I am really hurt and upset" We go to counseling every other week... he tells me he feels like he's walking on eggshells because he can't be spontaneous with his son. He complaints about the fact that he has to think about me when making his decisions and how he feels this is unfair even though I keep telling him that when you are in a relationship you think how your decisions are going to affect the other person or the relationship. He doesn't seem to understand that his first marriage fail partly because of his obsession with his son. I mean he treats him like a five year old. He's son doesn't have many friends... he only gets along with younger kids whom are 6..or 7... and he tells me how he wants to enjoy him. I said so am I supposed to wait 8 years for you to treat me like your wife? I deserve more than that and I did tell him this... I moved two hours away from my family even my sons to be with him. I know is hard to adjust but when we dated his son whom was 8 1/2 still slept in his bed... sometimes when I was visiting he would sleep with us... which made me incredibly uncomfortable... his son is as big as me.... so come on.... I don't know how to tell him.. even his friend said something to me... but I am the one being petty???

ctnmom's picture

He can't be "spontaneous with his son"? How about you, your thoughts, wants, and desires? :jawdrop: This is crazy. You moved away from your OWN kids for this? No wonder you're upset!! I don't know why he is so obsessed with his son but that's not really the point. He knows you gave up everything to be with him, and he doesn't care. No amount of counseling will fix that. And he's emotionally crippling his kid. Good luck dear, I think you're going to need it. You have some big decisions to make. God bless.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

I also moved several hours away from my family to be with DH who spoils his son to no end. I tried to tell DH that when SS was there DH would either ignore me or SS would talk over me and SS was the focus of everything even what do you want for dinner SS but DH didn't get it. I cried, I tried to calmly discuss it with him but nothing seemed to get thro until I took action. I started ignoring DH and SS. I would leave, I made new friends went to their house, met for coffee, went for a walk, I let DH take care of dinner, laundry etc when SS was the focus. If he wanted SS the focus than there you go you can have it. No sex, no petting, nothing. If SS would interrupt me and DH would refuse to acknowledge it or that I was speaking to DH I would refuse to complete my sentence. I can't tell you that things have changed over night but they have and continue to change. I also told DH if all you wanted was your son you should have never gotten married. I am not your maid or nanny, I am your wife. I told DH if you are serious about our marriage than we need our time so I insisted on one night a week that was date night and there was no calls made or from SS, that is our time and WE are the focus. Try to have fun with each other like when you dated. That helped me to deal with the rest of the week. And if DH complied and showed me attention by focusing on me he got lots of attention back and he loved it. Reward his good behavior - I know that sounds like you are dealing with a child but it worked for me.

Newbie_step's picture

A new chapter in all of this... a few months ago after heavy bickering.. lawyer's fees, paid for an evaluation that decided by the way that nothing should change. He put me right smack in the middle of everything... I was copied emails... texts... the works... but he decided that he was going to talk to his ex for the sake of his son. Of I agreed... I mean.. thousands of dollars later nothing really changed so of course I was all gun ho.... but he kept me out of the initial meeting with his ex which of course really ticked me off... and I know there's communication between him and his ex wife I only know this because I seen the texts... so he doesn't tell me anything.. she's the biggest bitch ever made our life hell but he know talks to her "for the sake" of his son... but it's not just polite.. it goes beyond polite.. I mean texts include lol.. and I am left with this heart wrenching feeling.. so there's a new parenting plan that doesn't change nothing really ... I haven't even seen it.. between all the bs... it's like I have to deal with this too?? I mean he doesn't tell me what's going on... I think whatever parenting plan he's signing off on.. I should at least be able to see it. I mean if affects me.. my life too.
So he just tells me how he's meeting with her... to go over the parenting plan.. a plan that he hadn't even read until yesterday. I honestly think that he simply doesn't know what a marriage is.
It just gets weirder.. and weirder... now him and his 10 year old text each other after he goes home... remember he sees his son every day except for the Sat and we pick him up on Sundays. I am going nuts... I mean I feel like I have stepped in a horror psychological movie. Is this behavior normal?

SebringLad's picture

I agree with BlueTuesday,leave ASAP !!!!!!!!!

janeyc's picture

I think that kids need routine, perhaps your husbands behaviour is caused by guilt, I dread to think what this boy will be like when he's older, will he still have his Daddy by the balls? The situation you are in would make me furious, eating without you, leaving you at the gym, I guess that you feel like your hubby could run off at any time to be with his son, what about you? My Bf and I stick to a rountine with Sd6, we find that if he drops in for a quick visit she gets upset, where as if we stick to set days, she is more comfortable with that, your husbands behaviour must make you feel like second best, of course he does not like you voicing your opinions, they conflict with what he wants to do, he sounds like a selfish dick to me, never let him make you feel as though this is your fault, I would not put up with this at all, my Bf eventually stopped guilt parenting, it took lots of effort on my part, reasoning and threatening to leave, we talked and he realised he was doing his daughter no favours at all, this situation could get worse, I think you need to grab your husbands balls out of his sons hands, enough is enough, how would he like it, if you treated him this way? I know you are trying to be reasonable, thats great, however I have made some of my break throughs by screaming at my Bf, I'd tried everything else, try writing exactly how you feel on paper and then talk to him, if that dos'nt work, then do what you need too, you are worth more than this.