If you are not married to their mother, I think you should move on to a woman who can appreciate you. You are sounding like a doormat. You teach people how to treat you, and so far, these people are not trainable. Too bad for them.

Your biggest problem is their mother. You have all the power use it. Demand those kids say please and thank you. Make them wait for stuff. Serve them their share and take what you want for yourself. Don't wait for them to eat it all and feel hurt. They have been raised like this by mum and dad since birth. Sure she will blame dad. But the fact she is oblivious to their behaviour shows she sees nothing wrong with it. You are being used and abused by these kids and their mother, and their mother is pack leader. Start DEMANDING some respect for yourself, start treating yourself with respect, and let their mother know in no uncertain terms her free ride is over. If you do nothing, nothing will change. It really is all up to you.

Your wife...their mother...is the entire problem. You cannot discipline these kids because you will be "too mean" and she will play the "you hate my kids" card. She is NOT disciplining them or making sure that they do not disrespect you as an adult.

Either she needs to get on board with you (through counseling or some other "come to Jesus" moment) or you are in for a long haul and I feel bad for you.

You touch on a variety of issues that I can easily relate to.

A) You had a strict upbringing. So did I. I disagree with the way my own father treated me, but looking back on it I realize that he did what he did not because he was mean but he based his child-rearing decisions based on what he knew at the time and what resources he had available to him. In other words, our fathers did the best they could based on what they knew. You have the benefit of that experience and we as fathers know a lot more now than our fathers did back then. It doesn't necessarily make us smarter or wiser but we have the opportunity to reflect, research and take action when needed and make the right decision.

I too do a lot for my children (2 bios, 1 step). I don't expect much in return but I do expect them to be polite, say their "please" and "thank yous". If they don't, I'm all over them. They want something? Like a snack? They have to prove to me that they deserve it. (I.E. "Clean up that mess in your room and then you can have a coke."). You're decription of pizza night made me giggle. My SS is a picky eater but on nights that we order pizza *SUDDENLY* he is very interested in who had how many slices...because God forbid if one of us eats an extra slice over him. I told him "Hmmm, you didn't seem concerned yesterday over the partitioning of the broccoli. You only took 3 pieces while your little brother had 5". He quickly shut-up.

C) My wife does a lot for our kids too. I tell her every day how much I appreciate what she does and I hold her tight when I do so. She does the same for me. Sometimes, when I feel down and overburdened, a simple hug or a pat on the shoulder is all I need to keep me going. Same is true for the kids. My BS is 4 and he has been acting up in daycare. We've punished him. The other day he told me he was good. I picked him up, squeezed him hard and told him how proud I was of him. Daycare worker hasn't had a problem with him since.

I am not sure whether to tell you to keep on truckin' or to get out of dodge but you really need to sit down with your wife to let her know how you feel. You owe it to her but you also owe it to yourself. If you do decide to stick it through, don't expect changes to happen overnight. Even with my wife I have to remind her of a discussion we had months (or even years) ago on decisions that we have made together as a couple.

I feel ya. Kids/pre-teens/teens can be mind numbingly selfish and careless with their words. It sounds like you are bending over backward to provide them with things. It also sounds like you're taking their seeming lack of gratefulness personally. If I've learned anything with kids, it's to (try) not take what they say personally. There are lots of adults I know that are also ungrateful so what can we expect from pre-adults, right?

While I can appreciate where you're coming from (dad's "should" provide all these things for their family) it sounds like you need to back it off a little. Not for their sake but rather, for yours. If you are doing so much that it is a stretch for you financially or otherwise, don't feel as though you have to do it to be a good dad. When constantly shifting everything in your life to accommodate them is wearing you thin, it's time to set a boundary and provide for yourself a little. You can show them love and how much you care in other ways and if they say otherwise, they're wrong (and thankfully, you are old enough and wise enough to know this

No matter what you do things will not get better. If you are nice you get walked on and used. If you try to discipline them you'll get ignored and walked on and used and become the bad guy. It only gets worse. Since you are not married, it's time to leave or have them leave your home. If you stay in this relationship just remember you have been warned. Just imagine in a few years the oldest will want to drive and then there is the phone and the clothes and just not any clothes or phone or car. And you said there are 3 of them and you are the only one with income. And then there is college, you see where this is going. It happens very quickly, time flys by very fast when you don't have a life. Unless working your tail off and giving all your $$$$ away is what you like. Remember " Shoot it's not my money wasted " . If I were you I would just pack up my stuff and leave with out looking back. You need to find a better ready made family.

Here is my opinion... You should have a talk with your girlfriend. She HAS to get on board with the discipline and demand that the kids show you respect. There should be consequences from disrespectful behavior either immediately or as soon as possible after it occurs. Your GF will not catch it all, so she needs to be okay with your calling the kids out on bad behavior from time to time too. You and your GF should also reward the good behavior that you want to see more of. You sound like a very honorable man and committed to the relationship, and I truly hope that your GF sees everything you do and acknowledges her appreciation for it. You certainly don't have to do all that you do. I'm the BM with one son, age 8.5, and dating someone with no kids. I'm here so I can gain some outside perspective and help our relationship continue to grow. It's not easy raising children at all. As parents, we screw up, don't always do the right thing, and then are judged by everyone, including the ones we love (as evidenced by this entire site). It's hard work to raise kids, and we often second guess ourselves with what we do. It's even harder when it's someone else's kids. I grew up with an "evil stepmom", and she ruled the house. If I know one thing, it's that I don't want my child to be exposed to life as I had it growing up either. You're right, you probably won't get the true, sincere appreciation from the kids right now. It will probably come in a few years once they realize just how hard it really is to be on your own and the sacrifices that you made for them. Hang in there! Try not to get too caught up in the negativity. I would say that if your GF isn't on board, not appreciative of everything you do, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Only you can decide what's right and best for you.

OP, nope you're not insane. You're a trusting, loving good fellow who, apparently fell in love with a woman who is taking extreme advantage of you, directly, and by proxy thru her children. It's nonsense! You are right to feel angry and unappreciated. Entitled attitude is shown and grown into children. Mom is leading the way here.

You've got to sit mom down and have a frank heart to heart with her. Capitalize on the emotional aspects of what this is doing to you. LISTEN to her VERY CLOSELY, because, her responses will tell you everything you need to know about your immediate and long term future together! If you don't already have bio kids together, and may someday, you will be STUCK with this entire arrangement, or worse, the rest of your life!!! If the thought of that leaves a huge knot in your gut, then you already have your answer...LEAVE! There are wonderful women out there with and without children, who would kill to land a man like you!!! You are WAY TOO YOUNG to settle into a life you're not completely THRILLED WITH!

Best of luck to you. Sounds like you've found yourself in a nightmare. I hope you find a peaceful resolution to it!

The Sultan of Brunei is looking for more lazy women to fill his concubine. Ask her to fill out an application.

And here I thought I had it bad. I'm 13 years your senior and am in pretty much the same boat. My advice to you - GET OUT. IT WON'T CHANGE.

Seriously, get out of there. This is not for you.

You have spoken to the mother of these children. She is well aware you are not coping and at breaking point. Her response has, instead of waking up and supporting you, been to be a sarcastic, smart Alec and use the opportunity to get herself out of your bed. I am really sorry to say this, but if she really loved you, she would be doing things a whole lit differently. A woman who wants her relationship does not move out onto the couch for 8 months. I'm sure she wants out of this too, but that might mean doing something for herself, and, heaven forbid, maybe even get a job. You need to look at the two main players in this relationship, you and her. If she hasn't made one step towards you and making things at home better for you after all this time, I doubt she ever will, but that is for you to sort out in your own mind.

I would ask you to remember this when you are thinking things over. SHE is the parent. Those children are hers, and as such HER responsibility. It is up to her to put a roof over their heads, feed and clothe them. Not you. If you decide to put her out, because she treats you like a wallet not a loving partner, because she has no respect for you or your home, and teaches her children to do the same, then SHE IS THE ONE WHO WILL BE PUTTING HER CHILDREN OUT INTO THE STREET, NOT YOU. You have to take a step back from this and leave her to take some responsibility.

You know you are actually supporting her in this, when you do this, no one wins, especially you. I'd say give her 3 months to go and if she doesn't clean up her act by then, stick to it. Send her packing, when she plays the "my kids will be out in the street" card, make damn sure you tell her loud and clear, she is the one who put them there, because SHE IS.

Ummm,go back and read your original post. Your answer is pretty damned obvious.

The next time your DW does the grocery shopping have her take her spawn with her and have the locks re-keyed. Put a note on the door telling them that they no longer live there and can call you to make arrangements to come get their shit. When your DW calls your cell tell her she has the groceries she just picked up and you have left gas money in the account for her to take her spawn back to their father.

Tell her she is welcome to come home without the spawn and you will let her in when you are finished with work each day and she will leave when you start work each day. She will not get a key until she proves that she is committed to you and the marriage.

She can take that one time offer or leave it. Her choice.

End of problem either way.

As for parenting styles and choices, our dad's expected polite, intelligent, acceptable behvior and tolerated nothing less. We would do our own kids/skids a favor by doing the same. I find it interesting that part of this discussion thread has referenced how much better parents are today than they used to be because we know more and things that parents in history did not know. :? :? :? Really? From the state of society today I would say collectively we don't know our asses from a hole in the ground comparatively speaking. There were no school shootings back in the day. There was no graphitti, no gang bangers, no illiterate high school graduates, etc......

There was accountability, expectation, responsibility, consequences and discipline.

I was a strict dad to my SS-20. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2. I had rules and insisted that they were followed. I coached his teams, went to his parent teacher conferences, worked my butt off so that he, his mom and I had a nice home and neighborhood to live in, safe transportation, good food, I tought him to use the toilet, read, write, ride his bike and I love he and his mom very much. Just like my dad did with my brothers and I.

SS's SpermIdiot on the other hand had and still has no rules. Was the do what you want when you want, video game buddy who has raised his younger three also out-of-wedlock spawn by two more baby mamas with no rules, expecations, etc... The only thing that saved my SS from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool was the way his mom and I parented and held him accountable for his behavior. His mom and I respect each other, respect our son and expect him to perform to his ability. He is a young man of character unlike most of the kids of today who life a life of expectation and entitlement rather than a life of performance and responsibility.

My SS calls me Dad. He calls DipShit "an idiot with a gangster complex". DipShitIot spawn #3 (16yo) was recently arrested for having drugs in his car and pointing a toy gun at the police who pulled him over. If I had pulled that kind of shit when I was 16 my father would have hauled my ass to the "wood shed" and lit my ass up. If my son (SS) had done that, he would have experienced the trip to the wood shed too. Fortunately for me and for my SS from day one we were raised with expectations and behavioral requirements and we were held accountable for our behavior.

You tolerate this crap and want to feel loved, appreciated, etc..... Be an example, confidante, mentor, advocate and disciplinarian adn you will be appreciated. These are the things that a REAL parent does.

Appreciation my not come now but will for sure when your Skids come back to you down the road and call you "Dad" instead of the "idiot with a gangster complex" or 'mom's husband who wasted his money on stupid crap to try to buy our affections'.

Or put far more succinctly, put your hand between your legs, grab a big old fist full of sack, give it a squeeze, man up and quit being such a pussy. No woman or child will ever respect you if you do not come to this realization. How can anyone respect you if you do not even respect yourself enough to stop being your SO and Skids victim?

Just my thoughts of course.

Just put all of them out. Let mom support herself and her kids.

If you still want to date her, go for it. Just don't live with her or have anything to do with the kids.

I agree with Emotionally beat up, only I say give her one month to move out.

Don't worry about the kids. There's welfare and food stamps that BM will no doubt qualify for.

She is using you because you allow yourself to be used. And there are plenty of women who would appreciate a man doing all that you are doing. My BF is moving me and my two daughters into a house he bought. I work and intend to contribute something towards household, if it's just buying groceries. And I plan on showing my appreciation in other ways as well.

Well a month to find a home for herself and the kids seems hard, but on reflection, you are probably right. She's. had more than enough time to know the relationship is over. She's been sleeping on the couch for months.

Still this will continue for as long as HE wants it to. She's not going to give up her meal ticket until she finds a better one. No doubt she's looking or she wouldn't be on the couch.

I'm a wife in a blended family, and it breaks my heart to read how used you feel. I would talk to your wife and explain your feelings. You are hurt, and she has some pretty ungrateful kids. It is obvious you love her enough to deal with the little monsters. But truly, unless there are bio kids in the picture as well, maybe consider moving on if she can't get a handle on her kids or back you up in getting them into line.

Your nit going insane. Your living in a situation that's driving you insane. You need to get off the merry go round of madness.

This hoping in and out of your bed is just emotional blackmail/abuse. She's punishing you by sleeping on the couch every time you displease her. That is her personality, that is who she is, it is who she has always been. Get used to it, or get out. But I warn you the more you accept this, the more she will dish it out. Next time she goes to leave your bed for the couch tell her not to stop at the couch, keep right on moving out the door and take her kids with her. Mean it and don't give in. If you give in your finished.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you want your sanity back, you'd damn we'll better believe her, this is who she is and always will be. Do you think so little of yourself that your happy to put up with it. Life alone would be happier and mire peaceful. Give yourself a chance at having a life. You will suffocate in this situation. It's up to you - you can change your life and be happy. You know you can.