Confused, wondering if anyone else goes through this
I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and she's made the comment a couple times over the last few weeks about me not interacting with her kids.
So here's where I have a hard time and struggle, her kids are 12boy, 11boy, 6girl, 4boy and ever since we got together I've really struggled with the way they act. There's no structure, very little discipline, and a good bit of disrespect and carelessness. There biological dad abandoned them when I started coming around so after a little while I thought I would try to step in and help her with them, that don't go over so well because we have 2 different opinions in raising kids. She says I'm a drill Sargent, I hurt there feelings, and doesn't agree with the things I do or say to them when it comes to discipline and some of the things they do. So after awhile and a lot of arguments I kinda just stepped back because she says that I need to earn there respect and have a relationship with them before I start trying to discipline them and get them to have respect for her and I. I've kinda got a bad taste about it so I just backed off for the most part as far as saying anything to them if there doing something I don't agree with or back talking her. So here lately she's been making the comment that I don't hardly ever interact with them unless I'm in a good mood, she's also said things like your basically there father figure now and who they look to as that figure. This is where I'm really torn because of there actions and there disrespect I have kinda distanced my self from doing things with them one on one because it's hard for me to smile, be happy and have a good time if there acting out or disrespecting me! Does she want me to be a father figure or not? Is anyone else dealt with this?
She wants you to be a father
She wants you to be a father to them but only in the ways she wants you to. Responsibility but not authority. She, like a lot of BMs, does not realize that allowing disrespect/no rules when they are younger leads to out-of-control teens and adults, and she may reach a point where she can't handle them. Unless you and she get on the same page, i don't see this working out. You can't realistically disengage from 4 young kids who are in your home full-time anyway. Eventually their behaviors will reach a point where it affects you and becomes intolerable. Either she wants you to parent, including discipline, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then it's on her to see that their behavior is tolerable.
First, why does dad not spend
First, why does dad not spend time with his children. It's mind boggling that a person could just turn off their parental obligations after all those years.
Your GF should absolutely have a custody agreement with her EX. Her EX should be helping to pay support and he should be exercising visitation with those children and she should encourage it. Unless he is a danger to the kids..they should have a relationship.
Second, As a SP figure, it is not your job to raise her kids. I mean, if you come to enjoy spending time with them... GREAT. But it is not your job to care for them.. pay for them.. entertain them. They owe you respect as one of the two heads of household. You earn that respect by nature of your position in the home and she should be 2000 percent backing you up on that. Now, that doesn't mean you are their disciplinarian... but if you ask someone to take out the trash.. or pick up their dishes.. they should be listening.
I would tell her that it is difficult to spend a lot of time with the kids when she doesn't trust your judgement in how they should behave...
Again... these kids have to be going through it with their father leaving like that... but they didn't get this way overnight.. and your GF had a large part in creating them.
I can't believe that a father
I can't believe that a father would walk away from 4 kids. It's not like it was a one-night stand, to have 4, he had to have been around for quite a while!
So from what I know he was a
So from what I know he was a very controlling, abusive, manipulating husband. I've been knowing the guy for along time but never knew there home life was like that. He wouldn't let her work, wouldn't let her leave the house without at least one or two of the kids because he said she would try to find someone and leave him. She finally got up the courage to leave and she got her an apartment and a job, well he went crazy as usual but ended dating the girl that lived next door to them. She said he never made an attempt to get the kids on his own, the kids would call him crying wanting to see him so she would take them but said he would be calling her with 6-8 hours saying he had to go work or some excuse. She said he would just keep making excuses when they wanted to see him, It's pretty evident by this point he's on drugs as well and the girl that he's with now is known for doing drugs. So me and her get together and he cuts out all contact with them except for being on the oldest ones snapchat where they would speak from time to time and he would ask to see his daddy and he would say maybe soon. So during all that he never paid a lick of support, ended up with all the stimulus money, never gave her or the kids a dime. There still married during this but separated, she was saving up the money to get an attorney to get a divorce and custody papers drawn up. I ended up helping her and she got a lawyer, got a divorce. We were getting ready to go to court for child support and he told her attorney that he wasn't paying a dime that he would just sign his rights over! So we went to court they set up his child support and they did make him pay the stimulus money back in payments as well. During all that he's threatened to kill me and her and so on, he's just top notch pc of shit. But she said something one time that made me think, she said if one of the boys knew he was ill and was getting on to him that the little boy would be worse, I guess out of spite. So I'm thinking hmmmm, so obv something ain't right there. Like why were you or him allowing that unless you were giving him grief about disciplining the kids as well? That's just a thought I had
My 2 cents is that a woman
My 2 cents is that a woman who has 4 kids has a lot on her plate... honestly, she owes a primary responsibility to them to raise them properly.
It would take a pretty unique person to want to get involved with that. Because, even if they are not your responsibility, they do have an impact on your life.. for as long as you are together with her. In her current circumstances.. she obviuosly has the expectation you should be helping her raise them and "be daddy".
If you don't want that then I think you may want to rethink this relationship... her ex may or may not be all she said.. or it could be a combination of issues..but her expectations on you right now are a problem.
My girlfriend blames it on
My girlfriend blames it on the girlfriend not wanting the kids around or him having contact with her, I call bullshit bc if you love your kids nothing short of a ocean or mountain is going to stop you from seeing them. She also thinks they he could be doing it out of spite to punish her for leaving him.
Do you want to marry this
Do you want to marry this woman?
I am sorry you are confused....
Please do not be, SHE is confused.
Their dad is their father figure. Where is he? All parenting is on your gf and their dad. Ohhh and all financial support is on your gf and the dad too. Hopefully you are not paying 1/2 all food, housing, electric, water etc.
He is supporting his minor kids, right?
Why are you living with 4
Why are you living with 4 unruley kids that you are not being allowed to have a say in how they are raised?
Go find someone without any kids. She will have a lot more time for you and you two won't need to fight over parenting and kids and plus you will not have to live with 4 ill-disiplined children.
This woman is not that great if she wants you to be a "father figure" without trusting you to have any authority or trying to find middle ground so that you two can parent on the same page.
Yeah, I no longer believe
Yeah, I no longer believe victim stories like the one your GF is telling you about her ex, maybe I'm just cynical. If you met the BM in our situation, she'd tell you how my DH abandoned SS, when really, he fought hard for joint custody and was shoved out of the picture by her. She lied to court, to therapists, to teachers, to anyone who would listen so that they'd see her as a poor victim of a bad, bad man, which she was NOT, in any way. So I'd take anything she says about her ex with a grain of salt. Especially given that she's not a great parent, and she wants to get from you all the benefits of you being a "father figure" without giving you any control over parenting or anything else. I assume you are helping her support these kids, too?
Since when does an adult have
Since when does an adult have to earn the respect of a child? Pffft, that's a hard no.
If the kids are unruly, disrespectful, and hard to get along with, then SHE needs to step up her parenting. It's not up to you. AT ALL. She is doing a huge disservice to those kids by not providing structure and discipline and ensuring that they treat you, her partner, with respect due to any adult.
You cannot be a father figure
You cannot be a father figure if you are prevented from parenting or told how to parent. That being said, parenting conflicts are one of the big issues and something DH and I had to work hard at over the years. He's much softer than me and not (in my view) and intuitive parent ie he doesn't think through the consequences of parenting decisions and I always do.
This means a lot of ongnoing communication and compromise but it works. It doesn't sound to me like your girlfriend is open to compromise or allowing you to parent so I would call it quits while you are aheaad. Taking on four kids is a huge responsibility and if you don't have the fundamentals in place in your relationship (which you don't) then it will just be ongoing pain and torture!
get out
Out now before you possibly get her pregnant or marry her. That is all I can say on this bud. Look at what your future could be with her the way things are then look at all the possibilities of what your future could be if you put in hard work to make and mould it however you want it to be.. before it's too late.. I'm a step dad and bio dad, could have made better choices but I love my bio kids more than anything in this world. Would have been nice to only have them with no step child attachment let alone 4 of them, I have 2 and that's difficult enough. In the long run I don't think you have any idea the issues that will most likely come about. You can control you, you can't control your gf and 4 kids that aren't yours.
Ps, wish I found this site 3 years ago..