can't stand my GF's 4yo daughter

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i'm 36 and my gf is 33 and has a 4yo daughter. before we started dating, i wasn't sure i can be a stepdad. but I fell in love with my gf after a few dates and felt like this woman was the one i've been searching for my whole life. so i decided to give it a try. some people told me that being a stepdad to a girl would not be so hard compared to a boy, since i have a 5yo son from previous relationship who i see sometimes.

I see my girlfriend 2-3 times a week and spent the weekends with her daughter. but the problem is my gf is too soft on her kid and allows any behavior, so her kid is spoiled, like she always screams so loud for attention, never listens to her mom, and overall bad behaviours most of the time. so i grew so tired of being around her daughter after 2 months. now i dont want to see her daughter, feel like i cant stand her and that makes me feel so guilty and ashamed, like i shouldn't have gotten into relationship with her in the first place when i wasn't sure i could ever love someone else's child like my own.

at the same time, i was falling in love with my gf more and more, so last night, i decided to talk about our future, her daughter, my role etc. i told her how i felt about her daughter, that i can't be her father /biological father is absent, no contact, no financial support/, can't take on the responsibilities of her father right away, knowing her grandparents had that responsibilites since she was born.

I told her i cant live with her daughter fulltime until she turns 6 or 7, because i wasn't comfortable around her as she behaved bad all the time, but when she's at school age, hopefully she'll have manners and it'll be easier, i can tolerate her occasional bad behavior, and we can have a child and start a family.

She didn't like my opinion and told me she wanted a father figure for her child right away which i'm not able to do. she also said that i was gonna be cold to her daughter and she wanted to break up with me.

we've been together for 3 months now and everything between me and my gf is perfect, but if we can't agree on how i'm gonna be to her kid, then i feel like we have no choice but to go our separate ways.

what's your opinion on this? did i do the right thing talking about how i felt, told her what i can and cant do?

Yes, youi did the right thing

Yes, youi did the right thing telling her how you felt - honesty is always the best policy. She, on the other hand, was honest with you - she is looking for a father figure for her child. Your ideas of a future together are not compatible - time to move on and chalk those three months up to experience.

thanks

thanks for your reply, it's obvious that we're not compatible, time to move on.

I agree with winter glow.

All children can be irritating step or bio. You are right in that she needs to address the issue.

I think it may benefit you to address what kind of relationship you have with your son. You said you only see him sometimes. It may be good for you to double check your own parental responsibility’s before adding to the mix.

Go on dates! Get babysitters is what I would do.

Agree with all of this.

thanks

you're right, i have to double check my responsibilities to my own son. i'm close to my son, talk to him occiasionally, see him every month, provide enough financial support, and as he grows older, i know that i'll have to be closer to him, so it's not a good idea to have another responsibilities to someone else's kid, especially when she's too young and too spoiled.

Good for you for not letting

Good for you for not letting love blind you. The child is poorly behaved from lack of parenting, and that won't get better with time, it will get much, much worse.

You've only been dating a

You've only been dating a couple of months. Way too soon to declare love.

You see your son "sometimes". Is that due to distance or disinterest? Do you need to work on your own parenting?

This may not be the relationship for you. The four year old is not going to disappear. You don't have to love her like your own. She isn't yours. But she's never going to be a sometimes kid. She will always be a full time kid. This may not be the relationship for you.

Yeah, she's daddy shopping

Yeah, she's daddy shopping after 3 whole months of dating? This one doesn't make good decisions at all when it comes to parenting.

There is a lot to unpack here

There is a lot to unpack here.

First and foremost, the point of dating is to figure out compatibility, not love. Love isnt enough to sustain a relationship. You can fall in love really quickly, but that doesn't mean sh*t about how good a relationship is. I loved my abusive bas*ard of an XH, but that didn't mean it was a good relationship.

You found out you don't want to be a SF, or at least a SF to a very young, disobedient child (I'll touch on that in a minute). Now was the absolute right time to figure that out, the absolute right time to talk about it, and the absolute right time for this relationship to end.

Second, your XGF was the problem in this relationship, not her daughter. The 4YO was acting like any unparented 4YO would. Additionally, "daddy shopping" is something you do BEFORE you get pregnant, not after. XGF is delusional if she thinks she'll easily find a man who loves her and her unparented daughter "like his own" (which is BS 99% of the time and is a mentality that sets SPs up to fail). She needs to spend more time parenting her daughter and less time trying to find a new "daddy".

Third, get your own house in order. Your son NEEDS you. If his mom is keeping him from you, save up cash, take her to court, and get visitation. Own your rights to your son and stop spending money and time on someone else's kid. It's awfully brazen to date someone else with a kid and criticize their parenting when you only "sometimes see" your own child.

In conclusion, you both need to work on yourselves and your own families before you start trying to drag anyone else into it.

thanks

you're right that there're bigger things than love to sustain a relationship.

she really is delusional to think that i'd love her spoiled daughter like my own right from the begginning. she said that her daughter behaved bad all the time because the kid felt that i didn't love her like my own from the beggining and thats BS.

about my own son, think i have a healthy relationship with him, as he grows older, when he needs me more, i'll be closer to him, so i dont worry about that.

Well, the good thing is that

Well, the good thing is that you were both honest ealry in the relationship. So, now you know that she wants a daddy for her daughter and she knows you don't want to be that.

This is not the relationship for you.

Time to let this one go. Pay

Time to let this one go. Pay attention to your gut feeling about that kid.

These woman who Daddy shop

Are not ever happy. First of all she does not parent her DD. As the DD gets older she sill get worst not better. As GF is not doing anything. Second if it's going (happy family) the way she wants them to go, it never will. You will allways be at fault. Not wanting to spend 24/6/365 with SD. Not wanting alone time with GF. Weekend alone, honeymoon with SD ect. You will be at fault.

Things the BF would not do, you will have to. And in the end ? SD will reconnect with BF, he will walk her down at her wedding what you will be paying for. You know BF is a loser has no money, but it's for SD. To be happy.

You had the picture painted for you, Get out, you will never win

Everything is not "perfect." You're in the honeymoon phase of

this relationship. Studies on the brain have proven that large amounts of a chemical, dopamine enter when we encounter pleasureable experiences. So "DOPE"amine is really equated to being on a natural high of sorts. Three months is nothing compared to years of misery.

As for the daughter's behavior improving when she reaches school age, well there's a slim chance of that. She will have had years of positive reinforcement for her bad behavior at that point. She will become a teenager and and adult SD at some point. Some of us are living with the aftermath of poor, or non-existent parenting. Believe me,unlike wine or some cheeses, it DOES NOT AND WILL NOT GET BETTER WITH AGE, but quite the contrary.

As painful as I feel this must be for you, celebrate! This was definitely NOT the relationship for you. If I were in your positon, I would focus on women with minimal baggage.

My uncle used to always say, "A chicken can't raise a duck." Meaning there is no blood bond when you are raising someone elses kids. It's often a thankless job and the SM or SD is often taken for granted and very underappreciated.

Please, go out into the world knowing you just avoided an epic mistake, and remember this going into the next relationship.

thanks

it is painful to think that i have no choice but to end this relationship. at least i tried to make it work by suggesting a parttime SD for a while. like you and others said, even a 'parttime SD for a while' will not work, with her mother's passive parenting, she will not get better with age.

Why feel guilty about

Why feel guilty about something you knew nothing about until after you fell in love?

Your GF is the root cause of this problem.

Failed parents rarely are worth a crap as equity life partners.

Save yourself the abject misery of mating with a proven failure of a parent. Move on

thanks everyone

thanks everyone for your opinion and advice which made me see things much more clearly now.

since we talked about our future and her kid, she is very defensive now and texted me yesterday that she didn't think her daughter needed parenting, all the other 4 year olds behaved that way, that as a 4yo, her kid can behave anyway she wants. and also asked me to try parenting her kid myself, with a rude tone. it's clear that she doesn't want to make any effort to make it work.

also, i've realized that my idea of being parttime SD until she turns 6,7 is too naive. she's spoiled at this age means she'll most likely get worse as years go by, and i'll be more miserable.

hopefully, i'll find someone with no kid which is unlikely at my age, but even someone with a kid, i now know that the most important thing is to see how the kid is being parented and her overall situation.

"Her kid can behave anyway

"Her kid can behave anyway she wants".

smh

This is a 4yo whose behavior is as good as it will ever be its entire life with a parent that takes this stance.

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can't stand my GF's 4yo daughter