I am so relieved and grateful to have found this site and realize I am not the only step parent to be going through what feels like hell at times.

I am a mother to two gorgeous girls aged 7 and 6 months old. My first born's BF is not in our lives. My second born is from my current relationship. My SO has a 6 year old son with HFA/ Asperger's/ motor dyspraxia (depending on which specialist you ask) who visits every 2nd weekend.

When my SO and I moved in together 2.5 years ago I knew he had a special needs son. I also knew that my SO's parting from his ex wife was acrimonious. I did mind this. My SS adored me and would cry in my arms when he had to go home to his BM every 2nd weekend. I went with my SO to lawyers and court to force the BM to put my SS in to all of the therapies recommended by the specialists as well as a special needs school.

Then for no reason we could find at all my SS 1.7 years ago started to become physically aggressive, abusive, refused to eat what we do, ignored me, behaved defiantly and would hit my daughter for the smallest reasons. After arranging play therapy we do understand that PAS plays a role, as does going to 3 houses on a regular basis all with different expectations. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier.

We do know the BM and MIL allow him free reign. As soon as the one specialist diagnosed HFA both BM and MIL stopped expecting anything from SS and allow him to dictate how things are in their homes. He has no boundaries or real routine. Neither will encourage him to use his manners/ have proper hygiene/ teach him social cues/ feed him proper nutritious food. It's almost as if they have a diagnosis and now my SS is not expected to learn the basic fundamentals he needs in life. They treat him quite simply put like he is stupid and needs special treatment all the time and will never function in society. This is fine for them who have no other children that are affected.

Additionally BM remarried 2 years ago after living with her new husband for 2 years prior. As soon as BM married new husband she encouraged SS to call new husband daddy. As far as SS is concerned his SF is dad and my SO is someone he has to visit and is made to call dad when he comes to our house.

Now my SS rebels every 2nd weekend and turns our home life upside down. My 7 year old has had to be put in to play therapy to cope and my 6 month old refuses to sleep and becomes fractious when he is at our house. My SO and I spend all our time focusing on my SS that we have nothing left for each other or my daughters. All of my SO and my fights are about my SS and MIL.

Often even when my SS is not at our house we find ourselves talking about how we are going to handle the next onslaught. What new route can we try. What can we do to make his visit more comfortable for him and us. What therapy can we try next. Who/ what/where/how to the exclusion of all else.

When my SO tried talking to his mother, she insisted the fault lay with us and we needed to change how we treat my SS. While I did not buy this I was desperate enough to try anything. Despite letting my SS eat what he wants, play Xbox all day and not use manners he still behaved badly, cried over nothing, was rude to my DD, ignored me and insulted my SO. MIL and I do not get on at all as she has eyes only for my SS and nothing else. We are not invited to anything unless SS can be there. We are expected to not hold party's/ DD baptism unless SS can be there. SS is also incredibly jealous of MIL. We cannot risk having MIL, SS and DD's together at the same time in the same place ever.

My SO then approached BM to try and talk about what is happening. Again we were blamed and told he never behaves that way with her. My SO and I were so surprised at this as we have heard from SS therapists, school and MIL that BM does have problems with SS.

After 1.5 years of this I am so angry I could scream. I'm angry with my SO for not putting his foot down with MIL (who thinks she is SS parent and makes decisions with BM to the exclusion of my SO) or BM. SO and BM are joint guardians. BM only has primary residence and is meant to co parent with SO. I'm angry with BM for not caring enough to help SS lead a full life. I am beyond angry with MIL who does not know better. Who constantly belittles me and SO in front of SS, who refuses to stand by my SO and help us help my SS. I'm angry with the therapists who won't sit MIL and BM down and tell them SS needs boundaries and routine. That he is a highly intelligent child who has major behavioral problems over and above being special needs. And lastly I am angry with my SS who takes my fun happy home life and turns it in to a war zone every 2nd weekend and half of every holiday.

I'm so at the end of my tether I have told my SO that he has 6 weeks in which to bring harmony in to our home or my SS is no longer welcome in our house. I am not sure I will follow through with this but I don't know what else to do. We do not have the money to go back to court and fight PAS and force co parenting. My SO will not stop MIL's interference.

If I had known 3 years ago what I know now I don't think I would have taken this all on!