New to be Step Grandparent
Okay, so I posted here some time back asking for help with my SD and her not wanting me at her rehearsal dinner after paying for the wedding. Things have just spiraled since. She is now expecting and announced it over Christmas to my husband only by giving him a gift. Nothing for me, not even a word. She sends my H updates on her pregancy like pictuers, ultrasounds, etc. via text and nothing to me. I know she doesn't care for me even though I treated her as my daughter for 20+ years. (I found out her true feelings wedding time). So knowing I am not her favorite and that she has been fake with me all these years it still bothers me that I am excluded. I can't put my finger on why. Why do I care? I don't want to, but I do. I need some advice on how to act around this new baby that will be here any day now. Should I love it the way I loved her? I feel like I will only get hurt but it's hard not to love a baby. Wow, how I wish she was different. But, I guess we all wish that about our step children.
IMHO, SP's are excluded only because the SP tolerates it.
I wouldn't tolerate it. I would have been at the rehersal, the wedding, every visit that your DH makes with the SKids, etc, etc, etc. Zero tolerance for that crap.
Be radiant, be front and center on your DH's arm and dare the noxious StepSpawn to say or do anything other than scurry for the dark corner with the rest of the behavioral roaches that are present.
A marriage does not allow for abdication from our own life. SKids, ILs, etc... have to integrate into our married life just as as a couple we integrate into each of the IL clans, Skids, etc... If our presence irritates them... BONUS!
I was at my bride's side for every court hearing, I have been at every family event in my IL clan, my bride has been been at every one of my clan events and we have been on each other's arm.
Be present, be confident, be radiant, and tolerate no bullshit. If the toxic opposition, regardless of who they may be in the blended family mix, takes exception to that, tough sit and suck it up or suffer has to be their only choice. If they choose other than to suck it up and be reasonably, then make sure they suffer the consequences for choosing to behave other than reasonably.
Why your noxius SD is the POS that she is is not your problem. It is hers. Focus on enjoying the journey with your DH, engage with him as a GrandFather with the GK. If mommy gets her bloomers in in bunch over it, oh well.
So true..
Your stmt about SP's are excluded only bc the SP tolerate it is so true! I just don't like conflict and I don't want to be around her, see her, talk with her, etc. It is going to be hard for me but you are so right in that I need to be with my H and enjoy the journey. Thank you for your words. I will read them when I am weak. Kudos to you and your bride for not letting anyone or anything come between you two.
I'm a Non GP
As in non-existant step grandparent. My shunning happened at my husband's retirement party with guests present. Announcement made that "DH has a new name - grandpa" while I sat there ignored and humiliated. THAT was my final straw with DHs kids. As I told DH, if he didn't want to include me, he should have picked a different venue to make his announcement. Not one filled with MY friends and family, including my own bio kids (who have not spoken to DHs kids since).
That was 7 years ago. DH has multiple grands now, even some steps that he is allowed to be grandpa to. My stance, developed through counseling is this. I'm simply DHs wife. I don't interact with his grandkids (nor his adult kids really). I don't buy gifts or extend birthday greetings. I do not babysit and have told DH, while he is welcome to have his grands here, HE will be doing ALL the work so he's never offered to babysit. We have begun some intergration recently (I didn't see SKs for over 6 years). I am civil and superficial when I do come into contact with them but quickly excuse myself and let DH visit with his family. My rules will stay in place. If I cannot be a part of the grandkids lives, then I don't need to do the "grandparent" work. (At this point, that ship has sailed anyway).
Sad part for DHs kids? They let their kids miss out on a great human in their lives. Me. The BM died a few years ago; DH is not the best in remembering birthdays and visits are minimal because of distance and I refuse to travel with him. While I will remind him to get Christmas gifts out early, that's really my only interaction in the "grand" world.
You have to protect yourself and your heart. Clearly, with how she's handling her pregnancy, you will not have a part in the child's life. I'd just stay away....let your DH visit his grand at her home. And if she comes to your home, I'd make myself scarce. Best to you. It's not an easy journey....but it gets better.
I understand this.
I love children but was surprised that I was left cold when DH's grandchild was born. I think it's because there is no bond between his mother and I; cordial, no more, no less. I did try at first to build a relationship with her. Her lack of social skills caused me to give up. I thought, why try when there is no reciprocation? She had assumed we would babysit. That is a big "no" for me; however, if there was a relationship between us it would be a big "yes". I was roped into it once. DH has also done it once; of course he wants me to go too. I'm just not interested. I do encourage DH to spend time with him whenever he wishes.
Being a step-grandma
I didn't experience the overt treatment you have. However, it was made crystal clear to me that I wasnt the REAL grandma, BM was. When the first GC was born, I was prepared to act like a loving grandma but didnt get much opportunity unless it was a gift situation. I went with DH to all events and remembered birthdays and selected gifts. As the GCs got older, we did a summer event every year, like a theme park or the zoo. It seemed like I was the sub when BM didnt want to do something, like attend "Granparents Day" at school.
We were both working full time so I never babysat. BM never worked so she did it all. That was ok with me, I was too zonked after a workweek and housekeeping.
The net result is that I have an ok relationship with SD's 3 and YSS's 3. Its not particularly close but good enough. We can only do what we can do.
I'm sorry...
...that situation has to hurt. We, too, work and need to rest and refresh for the coming week, plus we like to spend our time together.
Sounds somewhat similar to
Sounds somewhat similar to what I went through, except SS called me Mom and we were ok until he married his She-Devil of a lying wife. The She-Devil who despised BM even worse than she ever disliked me. Then She-Devil got pregnant. SS did some of the same things that your SD is doing. Sending texts, updates on the pregnancy, etc to dh. Then videos and texts after the baby was born. The day he was born he wanted us at the hospital. Or maybe he just wanted dh there. He seemed happy to see me and our bios(his half siblings). He acted like he wanted me to play Grandma to his kid but never thought to send me any pictures, videos, anything. He barely acknowledged me on Mothers Day but supposedly thought of me as his mother. The math just wasn't mathing. I stepped back so far that my kids and I skipped the baby dedication. He didn't ask my husband where we were. Nothing was said until we declined his invite to a family gathering at his house. Then my husband told him why. I also let him know that I didn't trust his wife after a stunt she pulled. He was all manipulative and gaslighting and I was done. If your husband is like mine, he will step back if you do. Mine didn't want to do family gatherings without me and the kids and he wasn't happy with how SS was acting towards me anyway so he was done too.
In the future, if my husband chooses to resume a relationship with them, he will have to see them away from our house, as they will NEVER be allowed here. This is my sanctuary, where I should never have to be around anyone that I don't want to see.
Just step back. Disengage. She's not going to treat you kindly anyway. Why set yourself on fire to keep other people who don't even care about you, warm? Let him go visit her without you. He can see her away from your home, never at your home. You shouldn't have to leave your home so that he can have her there. He can go to her house or meet her in another place that is not your house.
This....
He will have to see them away from our house, as they will NEVER be allowed here. This is my sanctuary, where I should never have to be around anyone that I don't want to see.
I feel this in the depths of my soul. We all need a sacred place to land.
God protect anyone who told my SKid that my parents were not his
REAL GPs or tried to tell my parents my SKid isn'their GK or that they are not his GPs.
The thought sends shivers down my spine for the paid that person would suffer.
SpermGrandHag trying that with my SKid as far as me being his REAL dad, is in large part what cost the SpermClan any standing or place in my SKid's life. I'm his dad, he is my son. Since before he was 2yo,always have been, always will be. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.