Wild 5 year old!!!
I am a new stepfather (no kids of my own) to a wonderfully precocious little 5 y/o girl, who is simultaneously brilliant and infuriating. She is exhibiting some new behavioral issues I.E. not listening, repeatedly defying what she has been told to do and, most alarmingly, stealing little things whether it is her mom's lunch Yogurt from the fridge or a soda from the store.
In general I am seeking advice and resources book suggestions, discipline ideas, etc... from other parents. but I also ran into an issue I would like some critique on.
The child's mother had to go to work early so I am watching her before the bus arrives. I get a call from work and have to take it. during that time she spills yogurt on her shirt and goes to change into a princess dress and snow boots, because what goes better with a princess dress than snow boots. The problem is that Mom has told her repeatedly that she is not supposed to wear her snow boots until it snows and that princess dresses are not appropriate for school. On top of that she hid her normal shoes so I would have to let her wear the boots. We found her shoes just before the bus got there but not until after I had yelled at her which made the poor little thing jump. and that is eating me up. Her bio dad is a piece of shit and I want to be a stable figure in her life. I feel yelling was counter productive to that. I went into this with a hard boundary that I will not spank her. not that I feel that spanking has no place in discipline, but I feel that a male figure especially a step father should not engage in unwanted or forceful contact.
thank you for any feed back
I recommend No Bad Kids by
I recommend No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury. Actually, anything by her.
You sound very caring and
You sound very caring and also I think your decision to not engage in unwanted or forceful contact is a very wise one. It shows you're invested in her emotional well being. Yelling at her was unfortunate but happens. Some disagree but I always apologize if i do something wrong, and on the flip side as they get older try to leave the door open (so to speak) so its an easy decision for them to apologize if they need to and we can all move forward. Communication is so important.
You sound super nice. I am
You sound super nice. I am not going to touch on behaviors of your wife's bio child. YOU cant fix it. BUT you can offer a soft place for your wife to vent.
Bio moms and Bio dads are required to be with their child, prepare kids for school, homework, activities, visitation arrangements ect. Driving to doctors. THEY are required to parent, correct and teach their children.
WHAT would mom do IF you were not there.
Please let that sit with you for a while. I can tell you so many new spouses think/believe/or where told THEY now play parent role. Not true. You are the spouse, not the parent.
Doesn't mean be ugly or rude ever to this child. Maybe sit down with wife and watch SUPER NANNY...she doesn't mess around . But you will see THIS IS bio mom and dads deal to fix.
I think it's very wise to
I think it's very wise to avoid hitting other people's children. Actually, any children, but especially other people's.
That being said, does the girl have only 1 pair of shoes and 1 pair of boots? Because if she has slippers, sandals, sneakers, etc, those are options too.
What I would have done is tell my daughter I will set the alarm for 5 minutes and if she still doesn't have her regular shoes on, I'll have to carry her to the bus stop and let her get on barefoot (or in whatever other footwear I can find).
You do have to get creative. But the most important advice I can share is to set your boundaries really close. You should be letting a 5 year old know LOOOOONG before you truly get angry that what is going on is not going to work out. Every now and then a situation can arise that might get you angry very quickly, but that should be 1 or 2 times per year. Otherwise making sure the expectations are clear well in advance, making sure that the consequences are clear well in advance, making sure it's clear what has to happen/not happen to get to the consequences well in advance, and making sure all of that is something that never gets into your irration zone.
Also, lots of positive feedback. You see behaviour you like, name it and appreciate it. Another approach might have been to smile and say you can see how much she likes her princess dress and snow boots, and make a comment about how nice they are, and remind her what the rules are. Ask if she would like to put them on when she comes home and or ask if she would like you to take a picture to look at once she's back in regular clothes before the bus comes.
The snow boots can be put
The snow boots can be put away until it snows. She should lose access privileges to the princess dress all day every day for at least a couple of weeks, and she should be told why. Once she gets it back, she will lose it longer if she pulls the same stunt. She will survive being yelled at, don't treat her like a delicate snowflake.
WHat the hell... why's the
WHat the hell... why's the snow boots not locked up somewhere or hidden from her.....
And well is mommy dress her and leaves and the kid decides to dress differently, I would not worry at all, she can go to school in that dress for all I care, not my kid and not my problem, If mommy gets angry I will laugh and say - hey this is your kid not mine, I only made sure she stayed alive till the bus comes it's not my place to tell her what to wear..