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SD thinks MY belongings are HERS to use.

effinwabashi's picture

My SD is 13 and she's almost the same size as me. I'm a few inches taller but I'm also kind of small. She has taken to wearing my shoes, my coats, my shirts, and my pants. Not my underwear thank god. At first I thought it was kind of cute, and I truly didn't mind.

That was until she ruined one of my shirts. It was a white long sleeve and she wore it to school and got permanent market on both of the sleeves. I wasn't too upset, it's just a shirt, but still. If you're going to borrow my things, take care of them.

Then came my shoes. I have a strict dress code at work where I needed shoes that have leather over the toes but still need to be breathable in the heat. I looked forever and finally found a comfortable pair of pumas. I wear those on hot days and boots on colder days. One day when it was rainy I wore my boots. When I came home I found my pumas COVERED in mud and they were still wet. I asked her what she did and she told me she wore them to take the dog on a walk but they got wet so she wore a different pair to school. I told her that that wasn't okay and she needs to ask me before borrowing my things from now on. A week later I saw on her instagram that she wore them to school on "pink day." I didn't bring it up but I was annoyed.

Then came one of my hoodies. It's just a black, warm hoodie that I have had for a few years. I looked for it for a couple of weeks and thought I had misplaced it. Then I saw her wearing it and I asked her why she was wearing my hoodie without asking. She said, "You mean MMYYY hoodie?" So I corrected her and said no, that is my hoodie and I would appreciate it if you asked before wearing my things. The sleeves have been shredded. She blew up and started crying. Then she went on her instagram and called me a bitch.

At this point I had to get my DH involved. He came down on her pretty hard about the name calling, but never really addressed the issue about my possessions. After all that calmed down I asked him to please back me up on her not wearing my stuff without my permission because she is not taking care of anything she borrows. He said he wishes that I would stop acting like her sibling when it comes to this 'mine' and 'yours' game.

I'm at a loss. I just want my possessions to be respected. We just had another argument about it last night because she wore my rubber boots without asking and tracked mud through the house. I'm losing any sort of patience for her touching, borrowing, or using any of my things. Any advice?

HappilySelfish679's picture

That's what happens when you fail to put up healthy boundaries in the first place . You let the horse out of the barn so to speak and now you have to chase it .
DH needs to sit her down in front of you and forbid her to touch your items . Failure to do so wil have the following consequences ( list here ) . Then you follow thru .

robin333's picture

He said he wished you would stop acting like a sibling?! Go kick that man in his balls and then tell him if he ever compares you and SD as equal siblings in a game because he can't parent, that you will be gone. Establish some boundaries asap.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Put a lock on your bedroom door and put all your clothing and shoes in the bedroom. When DH gets tired of the lock, maybe he will control his daughter's "borrowing" habits.

effinwabashi's picture

There is a lock on our room, but DH doesn't like the idea of having a room that she's not allowed in. So basically, I cannot lock it without it being an issue with him.

effinwabashi's picture

There is a lock on our room, but DH doesn't like the idea of having a room that she's not allowed in. So basically, I cannot lock it without it being an issue with him.

notasm3's picture

Oh please - go bat sh*t exorcist crazy on ANYBODY who steals from you.

You DO NOT need your DH's permission to ream her a new one over this sh*t.

Shaman29's picture

Your H is a douche-bag for comparing you to a child.

I would have kicked his testicles so hard they would have become lodged in his nostrils.

H's kid borrowed a few things of mine too. Ruined one, lost the other. I cut her off. She whined to H, H opened his mouth to me. I said did you pay for my things or are you going to replace them? What? No? Then you and your kid can STFU about it.

Now you march (and I mean march) over to your SD, look her in the eye and say in a calm, even voice "From this point on, all of my personal possessions are not available to you. If I find them missing or catch you using them, you will be punished."

Then look your douche of a H in the eye and say "Get it? Got it? Good."

If the little princess (this applies to both your H and SD) bitches, whines or moans.....remember....you do not have to justify your reasons. (S)He knows why you're cutting her off.

And mean it. No special occasions. No favors. No nothing. She is a disrespectful little turd and as long as you continue to allow her to borrow your things, she will continue to destroy them.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Agreed . There would be no lock on my door . I would go complete ape shite on her .

effinwabashi's picture

There is a lock but my husband doesn't like using it. For about a year she used to shower in our master bathroom because she didn't like her shower in HER bathroom. That was a huge fight but I eventually got her out. DH does not like the idea of having a room that she can't go into.

Cover1W's picture

Then keep a log of your missing or damaged items, and then he will pay for replacements.
What is his reasoning? It's entitlement!
Cannot say no to a child, it might damage them somehow.

I would still find some way of locking up your things, especially jewelry and costly items. A simple box/basket/luggage lock should do until they learn how to use wire cutters.

}:)

Cover1W's picture

Been there...not with "borrowed" clothes but with some sandals and makeup and a rain jacket and other of my things. Taken and used and not cared for...I keep a lock on my makeup box now and I have two locked cabinets in the laundry room and I'm going to get another for the garage. DP has consistently not understood/backed me up with this. I've gone off on SDs and DP with no changes....well there's been no more coming into our bedroom w/out permission so there is that...I managed to get that rule implemented.

Rags's picture

Establish boundaries NOW, NOW, NOW. Apply conseqeunces for any of her behaviors that violate those boundaries.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Bring the pain. If necessary, put locks on your closets and your room. Also webcams. Invoke a scorched earth policy of abject misery when it comes to SD-13's life if she does not extricate her head from her ass.

Enjoy!!! }:)

Cadence's picture

"He said he wishes that I would stop acting like her sibling when it comes to this 'mine' and 'yours' game."

Interesting that he interprets it like this. He's essentially telling you that he sees you on equal footing with his teenage daughter. Does that feel good? To have him be the only "real" adult in the home with an ability to make rules and enforce them?

This is exactly where stepparent resentment starts. He is asking you to shut up and put up with whatever Daughter Dearest wants to dish, because he really doesn't want to have to parent her.

I would put my foot down and tell him no more. He needs to be a father to his daughter and enforce a rule that his EQUAL (you, not SD) has about her possessions. You've tried being nice, and you get walked all over, so no more.

SD is going to use this to drive a wedge between the two of you. She sees that you're upset and knows that Dadddeeeeeee is either going to chose your side and come down hard on her, or ignore you and choose her side. Her behavior is going to escalate, because she's placing her money on the latter.

Or perhaps you can start using his possessions without asking and then trashing them or not returning them. See how much he likes being on the receiving end. Bonus points if you take things he needs for his job. When he's frustrated, say "Oh, SD must have started borrowing your things without asking, too. That's so strange."

Cover1W's picture

Yes, I have made sure that DP has replaced some missing/damaged items from his bank account, not mine. I make it very clear that if the SDs are not responsible then HE is. Period.

redneck69's picture

I went through the same thing. sd wanting to use my things and wear my clothes. I got upset because I was tired of having to find my things in her room when getting ready for work so I started hiding my things. she then started to complain what I was doing. btw she lives with us full time. sd moved in with us when she was 16 and is now 21 and I still hide my things. hubs said that I should feel priveldged that she wanted to use my things.