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txstepmom77's picture

A little about me and my situation... I have been married for 6 1/2 years and along with my husband came his daughter (K). She was 3 when we met, 4 when we were married so I have been part of her life since early on. K lives primarily with her biological mother, 2 half-brothers and a stepfather who is in and out of their lives. Now on to the fun stuff...

Some background problems that have always existed:
* BM despises me - or more accurately, the fact that I am a parental figure for HER daughter. In her eyes, I am nothing but an imposition, have zero right to make decisions about K, have zero say in discipline, etc. It has always been this way and she makes no secret of her contempt for me. She regularly tells K that I am not her mother and often uses abusive language about me in front of K. She will not allow K to refer to me as "mommy" in any way, shape or form even though K has called me Mommy L----- since the beginning. (Side note - her stepfather is "Daddy" and that's fine!!) I've never attempted to take the place of BM but BM wants K to call me by my 1st name and I just can't go for that. At least a Ms. L----- but BM doesn't even want that. Unbelievable.

* As a result of the above, the older and "wiser" K gets, the more she uses her BM's influence to her advantage when it meets her immediate needs. i.e. "You're not my real mommy and you can't spank me!" "My mommy said you can't [fill in blank]" My husband supports me when discipline is necessary and backs me up when we have to confront BM but BM's steady influence wins out.

* As hard as I've tried, the relationship between K and I is tenuous at best. A lot of the time we get along great and have no problems but when it rains it pours. If my husband is home, it's worse. She runs to him for permission regardless of what she's already been told by me, etc. She has learned over the years how to manipulate the situation and play BM against my husband. Doesn't often get away with it between me and husband but she still tries!

Currently we've had problems with sweet girl turning into super brat when she doesn't get her way - probably not unusual for a 10 year old. Smile If I take on the disciplinary role, her attitude goes from bad to worse in a heartbeat. Today, for instance, we were going to go shopping and I told her to change clothes. Well she didn't want to and started whining, which I don't tolerate well. After a bit of discussion and getting nowhere I took her by the hand to go to her room and she threw herself on the floor!! Long story short, my husband ended up popping her mouth because she wouldn't stop sassing. She then proceeded to start bawling about how I treat the pets better than her and later told my husband that she doesn't feel like I love her or even like her.

Of course my feelings are very hurt that she doesn't feel I love her. I admit to our bond, or lack thereof, not being what I imagined it would after so many years. It is terribly hard when you're "competing" with a BM who fills K's head with nonsense. That, combined with the limited quality time we get to have together... well, I'm probably preaching to the choir here!

My husband isn't really making things easier. K telling him she doesn't think I love her... well, that prompted him to confront me about the fact that he doesn't feel like I treat her as my own. He also compares my relationship with her to my relationship with my nieces and nephew who I only see a few times a year but am VERY close to. He doesn't understand why I don't have a more nurturing, loving attitude toward his daughter. I do honestly try to, I'm just not a huggy, touchy-feely, coddling type of personality. He tells me I can't and won't possibly understand until I have my OWN children. I get that - but it doesn't make it easier. So I'm feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to have a great relationship with K but can't seem to get there. She is used to her BM who still baby talks to her, my husband who makes up for lack of time with her by basically trying to keep the peace and just have fun... then there's his mom (K's grandma) who is also very coddling and "soft" whereas I am just not like that. I'm all for enjoying time together but I don't compromise on K's attitude regarding respect, obedience, etc. so unfortunately our time together often turns not so enjoyable when she doesn't get her way about something.

What to do!!?? Sorry this is forever long... any advice???

jinde's picture

You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

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