School issue
My DH and I have only been married for 2 months but we have been together for over two years. His 13 year old son lives with us and we have full custody. He started school on Monday and came home with all the school supply lists that were needed on Monday. I made a master list of everthing that was needed and signed the first day of school docs that had to go back to the teacher.
Yesterday I went home and was told that the master list that I made was going to cause probelems for SS because EVERYTHING that had the lists on it was returned to school and now SS didnt know what supplies went to each class. I advsied DH that only some of the pages had to be signed and returned and that SS should stil have the lists because they should have been his copies.
It resulted in a huge argument between us that I had "messed up" all the school supplies and SS was going to start the year off bad. SS had told DH that he told me all the lists had to be returned (which he did not) and that I was going to say that he didnt tell me (which was thrown in my face).
The next morning I got up and was going to write a note in SS's notebook to tell him to have a good day and that I was sorry I messed up the school supplies. In his notebook, in plain sight were the lists that caused this whole argument in the first place. I woke DH up and told him what I had found and he yelled at me again and told me that he would take care of it and I was being a little kid. At that point I left to go to work, furious at the whole situation, and I dont know what to do.
Was I wrong to tell DH what I found? Am I supposed to just let SS get away with what was either blatent lying or just forgetting and placing all the blame on someone else? I want to believe that he just forgot but the fact that SS was " I told her I had to return the lists and shes going to say I didnt" makes me feel like I was pruposly put in this situation by SS.
Does anyone have any advise for a better way to deal with this situation?
hmmm
I would've confronted SS! Then told your DH.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I thought about that
But I didnt want to wake up SS and have it turn into a big confrontation and then have him go to school upset. I hated to wake up DH about it but I knew that I had to tell him.
Im kind of getting frustrated with the SS/DH dynamic that is happening right now. DH is off on workmans comp so he has spent all summer with SS. I am the only one working right now and the workmans comp checks do little to support our way of life. I have been feeling like DH/SS are ganging up on me and I dont know if I am just over-reacting or my feelings are valid.
DH always tells me I am acting like a little kid but he will turn around and tell me that part of why he loves me is that I will get out in the yard and play ball with SS, go go-cart racing with him, ECT. I tried to tell him that its a really fine line to walk and sometimes there are going to be issues but his answer is just to not play around with SS.
Let Dad do it.
I highly recommend that you let a bio-parent take care of all of the childs needs. Its painfully obvious that Dad is not going to back you up in a civil way and the kid has quickly learned that he can toss blame onto you.
So from now on you don't sign anything or buy anything or do anything - not even a ride to school - without specific instructions from Dad. You don't even give the kid permission to go next door unless Dad has specifically said its OK for you to do that - and even that stops if it back-fires on you even once.
From long experience I've found that its best to stay out of a bio-parents parenting. Even if it seems the best and most logical thing to do. You can't win when it goes wrong.
Perhaps the following will help - I know its long but I'm sure you will benefit:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
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There's an exception to everything I say.