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The problems I have been having

Lb1785's picture

I have two step sons. They mean the world to me. I would do just about anything for them. I have been with their dad for five years. We met at the same company. He wanted to move up in his department. For him to do that. I had to quit my job and stay home with the boys. Pretty much a stay a home mom. Which I was fine with.  The boys and I have gotten along fairly easy from the start. If I don't ask them to do anything around the house such as cleaning etc. We great along great. Or when I'm doing something they want. But when I ask them to help me with stuff around the house. They complain the whole time while doing it. Or they'll just stand the explaining why they shouldn't have to at all. The only way I can get them to do what I ask is if I nag about it. By that point I just rather do it myself. I don't ever ask for much. The house stays fairly clean. When I ask for help its normally pick up the dishes and bring the to the kitchen or clean up the living room. I never ask for nothing big. Their dad is no help what so ever. Because he thinks I shouldn't even be asking for help. That I should be the only one cleaning or anything around the house. Because I stay at home all day. His boys are 10 and 12. The 10 year old is always bring stuff out of his room and is always eating. So the front room gets messy fairly fast. I always have to ask please clean up after your self. When I do he'll look at his dad and his dad will look at me ugly. The 12 year old stays in his room all day. He plays his video games for hours at a time. The most I ask from him is please bring your dishes from your room to the kitchen. He acts like thats the hardest job. I feel like I am a slave in my own home. I don't feel like what I say matters to anyone. I don't want to leave my husband. I tell him how I feel like but he doesn't seem to care. If I am the only one cleaning around the house and leave everyone alone. We have a good day. But when ever I ask for help. Which I don't ask for much its a bad day. Because that meant I have agure with someone on why I need help. 

hereiam's picture

Your husband doesn't seem to care that much about you and your feelings, why don't you want to leave him if you are so miserable?

These kids are school age, there is no need for you to stay home. Go back to work and get your independence back.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

If you’re not happy with this you need to have a serious talk with your H. Tell him if things don’t change and you are not considered or respected that he will have to make other arrangements for someone to care for HIS kids.

You have stopped and sacrificed all your time and energy on his kids and your H is dismissing all that you do so his kids feelings aren't hurt over doing simple chores. You need a coming to Jesus talk with him and ASAP or it will get worse the older they get.

Lizzylemon's picture

I too became a sahw when I recently married dh. He has sd9 5 days/wk. It’s been great because I have plenty of time for my own interests, housekeeping and taking care of my husband so he can focus on work. I immediately implemented “house rules” for every aspect of the home down to procedures everyone has to follow when they get home (shoes off, wash hands, put your shit away immediately, etc). I also have rules that food and drinks are only consumed at the dining table. Sd9 must clean her room and bathroom before going to bed at night and dh checks it. I’m a bit of a control freak but have made it clear to dh that my rules must be followed at all times or I will not do extra things for him like baking his favorite sweets, not putting on his slipppers for him, etc. I would advise you to implement house rules for every aspect of home life and make it clear to your husband if they are not followed the extra things you do to make his life easier will no longer exist. He must implement the rules with his kids. Whisper what you want dh to tell the skids when the skids are in a different room and tell dh to get it done. Your household will run very smoothly if you do this. Do not let dh and his spawn walk all over you. Stay strict and do not allow the sloth Neanderthals to overtake your household. 

Lb1785's picture

I was needed to stay home because my husband has to be available at all hours of the day. If they need him in the middle of the night he has to be able to go. I don't want to leave him because I believe almost everything can be fix. I just don't know what to do. He does have the boys full time. They only see their mom on certain holidays and every other weekend. 

ESMOD's picture

Still makes no sense why you can't have a job at a different company.  So he has to be on call.. so what?  I am assuming you would be more likely to get a day job... so night call outs wouldn't be an issue.

Get a job.. you guys can split the cost of a maid.

 

Lizzylemon's picture

House rules work because they are unemotional. Rules are what they are, like laws and facts. Something men can understand. You’re in a great position because he needs you in order for him to function. You hold the cards here. You are the lady of the house. The Neanderthals must do as you say. They literally can’t live without you so dh has to appease you. I’ve done it and it works! Stay strict and strong! 

Lb1785's picture

I'm going to do what you suggested. I hope it works for me. If something changes I'll let you know. Thanks for the feedback.

SteppedOut's picture

Do you tell him how he should do his job? No? Well he shouldn't be telling you how to do your job (homemaker, including raising HIS childen). If he just won't agree to your homemaking position (including rules and chores for his children), get yourself a new position - go back to work. Then he can hire a nanny for his kids and y'all can split housework.

Since you are not working, how are you saving for retirement? Is your husband contributing to an account for you? If not, what happens if you get divorced in 5-10-15 years? 

I strongly suggest you go back to work - at least part time - don't leave yourself unable to care for yourself. Particularly when you are in an iffy marriage. (Your marriage is iffy if you disagree on fundamentals.)

 

Steptalker2's picture

If your requests are not working they aren’t taking you seriously. You need to push the reset button. Write him a nice letter detailing your experience. Then provide a list of the changes you need to see happen. Then  go stay with a friend for a few days and do not answer his calls until he agrees to be a better father. The change has to be measurable for example he has to agree to:

boys will have a chore schedule posted on the fridge 

the consequence for not completing a chore is one day of no (insert a privilege here). 

Boys will put their dishes in the dishwasher after each meal and wipe down the table 

No food or dishes are allowed in bedrooms

no eating on the couch etc

I left DH and stayed at my condo for a few days until he agreed to start a chore list for his kids and hold them to it and no more talking back to SM. I’m slowly working my way back to the house but it isn’t too appealing. The kids however are now doing dishes and sweeping and wiping down tables. And are much more pleasant!

 

 

tog redux's picture

What a sweet gig he's got. You take care of the house and the kids all the time, and he doesn't lift a finger to help. He should be kissing your feet that you agreed to take care of two kids that aren't your own and be a SAHW so he can "further his career". Not many women left willing to do that, but he found one.  And yet, he treats you like dirt and does nothing to parent his kids.

Maybe it can be fixed. But I think he likes it the way he has it, and it's going to be a long road for you.

Rags's picture

You surrendered your career because your DH is not man enough to compete with you professionally, you gave up your life because your DH is not man enough to parent, you are the live in nanny/maid to your Skids because your DH is not man enough to provide a nanny or a maid, etc, etc, etc....

You should get the gist of what the point is.  DH is severely lacking as your equity life partner. He took your career and your life to abdicate his responsibilities as a man.

Sad.

Lollybobs's picture

House rules are definitely the way to go and it's important that everyone in your house understands why. I agree with everyone who has suggeted that you go back to work - firstly, it provides a really good reason why all the housework cannot fall on you and secondly, it gives you your own independence and income should things go wrong.