Off to a Great Start /sarcasm

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Well the helpless little girl (ie SD 21) is home--possibly for 3 or 4 weeks between college terms. I spent an hour making dinner for her and my boys and their friend. I made a point of telling the boys to put their dishes straight into the dishwasher. SD put hers in the dishwasher and put away her unused bowl and glass, then disappeared while I cleaned up a huge number of cooking dishes, pots, pans, etc, cleared all the placemats, did all the cleaning up.

To be fair, she hadn't yet brought her things in from the car and went up to do that. But she 'needed help.' So DH went up to help her. If I thought anything would be different for the rest of her stay (bar me saying something), I would feel differently. But I know nothing is going to change unless I say something, probably thereby being seen as the bad guy.

DH is also under a lot of stress at work, will probably have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He's probably going to want everything else in his life to be smooth and peaceful and not want to deal with this.

I also remembered the other thing that drives....me....nuts.

She whispers to her dad All.The. Time. When I'm anywhere nearby it's whisper whisper whisper. I'm now in another room where she doesn't know I'm in easy earshot and now she's talking at a normal volume. So it seems it is about not wanting me to hear anything eing said.

I realize this may be a habit that developed when the previous step-mother constantly wanted her to disappear and make herself invisible. But it's still incredibly irritating, in addition to making me feel like I'm some sort of intruder in my own home.

Stop the whispering crap now

I went through this for years with SD, whispering or softly mumbling to DH and her husband in sideline conversations. I finally asked her to speak up, and she went ballistic. Tell DH there will be no more whispering in the house - period, and that he must inform SD of this - now. It's just plain rude.

The whispering is probably

The whispering is probably why the other stepmother wanted her to disappear, lol. Your DH tolerates a lot of rude behavior from her. I'm not condoning any abuse this stepmother gave her, but maybe SM felt she had to take charge of parenting because your DH wouldn't?

when she whispers she makes

when she whispers she makes it impossible for your husband to concentarte on anything other than her. it's a game. so my advice, if she does it "SD it makes me feel left out when you whisper in front of me. It's rude. Please stop."

Gawd

I wonder why the last SM wanted her to disappear? Wonder what the ex SM's side of the story is? There is no excuse for a 21 year old to treat you poorly.

Blessings and hope you get through this wonderful time of the year.

Skids have a way of ruining any holiday.

The ex SM is a story unto

The ex SM is a story unto herself. I get why she found SD annoying. But she was a genuinely terrible person in her own right, flat out lied to DH on a number of key issues. She married him as her retirement plan and as soon as they were married, the mask came off.

Yes they do ruin every

Yes they do ruin every holiday, or he does because he's pinning over the vermin.

I'm seeing it's two for two.

I'm seeing it's two for two. Last time she was here, her stomach was upset. This time, her stomach is upset again. This will be the reason she can't help with cooking, cleaning up, or anything else.

She does have anxiety and she knew full well that I was irritated with her after the moving and dog fiascos and after Thanksgiving. She may be extremely nervous about being here.

Yet it becomes a downward cycle as it will now be the reason I once again do everything. :(

Zero tolerance of the whisper shit. NOW!

Call her and DH on it immediately and sternly any time it happems.

"Stop the rude whispering. If you want to speak in private, leave and don't come back until you are through."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

As for the clean up after dinner. Regardless of how stressed DH may be, he does not have a get out of jail free card on being your equity life partner. So, you cook, he and SD clean. Make that clear. Regardless of how tired, stressed, etc.. .DH may be regarding work. His adult failed family progeny does not get to use you and your home as a full service B&B.

We resolved this with work time model. Work time was from when the first of us left for the work day and continued until the last of us returned home at the end of the work day. At that point it became time for us to cooperate on household and kid raising duties. Regardless of if we were a two or one income couple.

^^^THIS^^^

"Stop the rude whispering. If you want to speak in private, leave and don't come back until you are through."

Lather, rinse, repeat

Exactly! It needs to be nipped in the bud NOW! I let the same situation go on for years without saying anything, trying to be a 'good' SM. By the time I DID speak up, SD thought I was so weak she could put her finger in my face and tell me off. She never set foot in my home again. But if I had spoken up in the first place, it wouldn't have festered like it did.