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I never wanted kids and now im a stepmom

wtfthissux's picture

I dont know what to do anymore. im in my mid 20s and i have never wanted kids but now im married to a man who has a 8 yr old i cant stand. everything about his kid makes me cringe, i dont even like to say his name. i do not need anyone on here to criticize me, i have been searching for the last 4 days similar articles how people deal with these things. the problem is this we have been together almost 5 yrs and he never had anything really to do with his kid ( yea ok but thats how it was) i never had to deal with his kid and because i never even met my dad till i was almost 20 i guess it was normal for me. so we went years not really dealing with his kid (he saw him some but not on a every other weekend or more schedule) and even back then the kid didnt bother me so much. but every time the kid came over my guy would get rude as shit to me and then i started to get anxiety about the kid coming over. this went on for a while and as time passed i got more and more hatred inside of me, i dont know how to deal with. also the fact that his mom wants really nothing to do with him (never mind the fact she got preg after only knowing my husband like 2 weeks and decided to keep the kid) she drops him off and says she does not want him anymore... i never wanted kids and i have taken the pill and been careful so i would not ruin my life. why do people take have kids so lightly? All i feel is my freedom being robbed from me every time i see his kid. i dont even like to be here at home when he is over, if i can i go stay somewhere else. i dont know what to do. i think maybe i should just end it but that is where the problem is-- i love my husband more than anything-- i just dont want his child ( i know thats f--ked up -- but im not here for you to judge me! i need help!) i feel like i want to disappear... i love my husband but i never wanted kids, i dont know how i let myself get attached to someone that has a kid. i guess i never really knew what it meant dating a man who has a kid. In my life men never stick around for the kids and i have never been with a man who has a kid. what can i do? i have a anger i cant get rid of, i cant even pretend to be nice anymore (im not mean to his kid we just dont talk to each other really). i want to disappear. has anyone ever felt like this or am i just really fucked up? i probably should just keep it to myself because i imagine what everyone will say i just need some advice...

LRP75's picture

I will be gentle, but I'm still going to say it:

Please, for the love of yourself and everything that is Holy, move on with your life and leave this man to his child.

There are millions of men out there that don't have children, and don't ever want any.

It's ok for you to feel the way you do about not wanting any children. It's just not ok to hate a child simply because it's alive.

Disneyfan's picture


Disneyfan's picture

"In my life men never stick around for the kids..."
That is beyond sad.

Your husband is doing the right thing(finally). If you can't handle it, walk away.

Bio father's picture

"All i feel is my freedom being robbed from me every time i see his kid". I feel like this kid is being robbed of love, your husband is doing the right thing. He is your husbands creation, just like she made the decision to keep the kid, your husband made the decision to sleep with her. You definately should walk away if you can't handle it because it's going to be alot of tension in your home.

hereiam's picture

Other than the fact that your husband treats you different when his son is around (which is not the son's fault, address this with your husband) what exactly don't you like about the son? You have not said anything about him disrespecting you, or being a hellion, or any real reason other than he exists and has upset life as you knew it.

You knew he had a son when you got with him, on some level you had to know there was a chance, however slim, that your husband would step up and be a father, and now he has. Good for him.

You need to talk to your husband about why he treats you different when his son is around. Don't misplace your anger.

Kids don't have to ruin your life. I never wanted children either but I kind of enjoy being a step-mother (most of the time). I do not have the full responsibility of parenting but still have an influence (hopefully a good one) in somebody's life. It is all what you make of it but you and your husband have to have a plan and be on the same page to give this kid some stability. I can't imagine being a child of that age and having a mother that doesn't want anything to do with him. That is sad.

Do you have nieces or nephews that look up to you? Have you ever wanted to be a Big Sister and mentor a child? It sounds like this kid really needs someone to love him. Maybe that could be you and his father.

Poodle's picture

If you want to stay with the guy, try first of all dealing with the fact that he got nasty to you when the kid started being around. You guys need to deal with that immediately. It clearly could have made it hard for you to relate positively with the skid. Make it a priority to have that out with him. Secondly, try this web page, it has some good tips: If you feel that that web page is totally irrelevant and makes you feel sick, then I think I agree with the other posters it's time to seriously review whether you stay with the guy.

Orange County Ca's picture

Do read the article. It's lengthy but it may give you your solution. If not then you have no choice but to leave as your bile will show and the kid will get more and more screwed up.

You'll be blaming the kid when in fact the problem is you.

So either deal with it in a manner that will help your husband or get out of the picture. This is the same link as above so read this now:

ItAlmostWorked's picture

WTF, I am not judging you. You feel how you feel. I have also wanted to just disappear, I know how uncomfortable that is. I hope posting has helped you do the soul searching you need to decide what to do. If he drives you nuts now, it is doubtful things will get better. The teen years are challenging even when one wants and loves the teen.

Wishing you the best~

txsgrl81's picture

Oh I hope Im not too late to chime in on this...I too have been with a man for several years and he has 3 kids(I never would have had more than 2 personally unless the lord blessed me w triplets) If you are only in your 20's and this kid is have one hell of a bad road ahead of you. If you do not get a steady foundation for you and your man than it will never work as step kids will sometimes suck the life out of you. Get out while you are still young!!!
Children are a blessing but they are only as good as their parents, and if the parents spoil them out of guilt( like my fiance) or let them get away w everything you will hate your man over time and lose respect for him that you wont gain back. TRUST ME....RUN!!!!! Id say work on it if he didntcome w a bad ex and kid but this is not sounding great. Sorry
I know easier said than done

janeyc's picture

Well that happened to me, I did'nt want children, I don't hate them I just did'nt meet the right person, I'd given up and was'nt bothered about it.

I feel so sorry for this kid, imagine how you would have felt if your own Mother did'nt want you?

You need to either leave your partner, or decide to try a lot harder, he's just a little boy, kids can tell if you don't like them and their behaviour will change accordingly, if you reached out a bit and tried to connect with him, things would be a lot easier for you, you know you might even get fond of him, yes skids can be a lot of stress but they can also give you kind of joy you did'nt know existed before, so you have some soul searching to do, this child has'nt been sent to ruin your life, he's had no chance with a useless mother like that, I hope that you decide what to do quickly.

christinen's picture

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was always VERY careful to avoid getting pregnant- I wanted kids later on down the road (I am 26) but I wanted to make sure I had my career established, etc. before settling down and I definitely knew I wanted to be married first. My DH has daughter and the BM basically got pregnant on purpose to try and trap him- DH never wanted the kid & tried to get BM to get an abortion but she refused- now that she sees her little plan to trap DH did not work, she wants nothing to do with the kid. I know exactly how you feel when you say how you were careful and now you basically are paying for BM's mistakes. That is exactly how I feel every time I see SD. I always want to scream why didn't you just wear a condom??? Why??? It's not fair for someone who has worked hard and been responsible to have to deal with someone else's irresponsible decisions. We have SD 50% of the time (joint custody) & every time she is there, I just can't deal. I go out a lot and stay with friends. I hate just seeing her face because she looks exactly like her stupid, selfish mother. I have finally talked DH into getting a paternity test because lets face it, SD looks nothing like him and her mother is a whore so hopefully it will be negative and end this problem. Has your DH had a paternity test?

Latinaricecakes's picture

I don’t understand all the hateful comments. You can’t help who you love. I’m not judging you at all. I know it’s years later, I’d love to hear an update from you. Because I too hate my boyfriend’s kid. Well I don’t hate him per say but I would rather him not be around.. at all. If i could go back In time and change that one thing about him then we’d be perfect. I hate kids, I hate hyper kids especially, and I know exactly how you feel.. I get anxiety when he comes over and i refuse to say his name. I know how you feel, you are NOT alone. All these negative people’s comments of course clearly they love kids and DONT understand.