You are here

I just joined....and I need help before I go crazy.

Steph9280's picture

So this is my first time here and I could use some help. I've been married for close to 3 years now to my soul mate, and we have been raising her kids from her previous marriage to their father. The 19 year old doesn't live with us because he's violent to his younger siblings. Our 14 year old son is hitting puberty and has his moody moments but is the child that I've bonded with the most. And then there is the 10 year old girl. We have been having the WORST time ever with her lately. She is rude, with a huge attitude, rolling her eyes, shaking her head at us. The most recent is when I try helping her with her homework that is wrong she argues with me that shes right even when it's clearly wrong. No matter what I ask of her lately its an argument. I know that she could be close to having her first "monthly visit" but it's at the point where I'm looking to get a 2nd job in addition to my 40+ hours now just for an excuse not to be around her. Any suggestions?

notthebradybunch6's picture

I have a nine year old, who does the same things occasionally. Her Dad is in Afghanistan, so I am not sure if it is stress or the age. Have you talked to your wife about it?

Steph9280's picture

Yes, she's seeing the same disrepect as I am from her. We have her in counseling once a week and it just seems like things have constinuously gone down hill. I was tossing around ideas this morning and wondering if the changes her bio dad are making around his house are causing the tantrums with us? Until recently she had the run of the house over there and my wife "C" finally put her foot down and said listen up pal, its time to be a real dad and stop being just a friend. But she consistently cuts me off during sentences, back talks with the SMALLEST task such as tying her shoes. I've been with C since I was 25, I had no responsibilties other than a car payment and an apartment. I took the roll as step mom only to be bashed by their bio dad, and C's family. I've given up everything for them and support all 3 solely with only $80 a month child support for 2 children. SO last night when I asked what the problem was I was told that " I don't do anything" for her. It's a knife to the heart over and over again and I'm not sure how much more I can handle?

WHERESMYWART's picture

Hey, the ten year old sounds like my SS13. He can be so wrong and argue with me an hour. He was also shooting his Daddy dirty looks the other day and his dear daddy did nothing about it. If he did that to me, I would put him in his place in a hurry.

My birthson is 10. He does not yell at me or roll his eyes. If he ever feels froggy enough, he is free to jump but he will also be put in his place very quickly. My XH that used to have such big anger problems just lets him hollar and scream at him like its no big deal. I think a lot of it is kids will treat us how we allow them. Not saying my kids or skids treat me wonderfully all the time but they know if they are good to me, I will be good to them. And if they want to treat me like crap, well then they better not ask me for anything:P Im sorry you are going through this. Wish I could help more.

Steph9280's picture

Thanks WMW. It's really nice to know that someone else understands. I talk to C all the time about things but she always pulls the "momma bear" attitude with me even when the kids are clearly in the wrong. I totally understand why she feels that way but it's not helping. Also, she "C" that is, is bipolar, so its like a full time job away from work dealing with the two of them. I appreciate you reading my rant and commenting. It helped a bunch Smile

WHERESMYWART's picture

You are very welcome and you will find that 98% of the people here are great and give awesome advice. Please continue to blog under create content (which I recently learned last night gives you more control) and keep us informed. Also feel free to post on others postings as well. It feels so good that we have this place to come for help!:)

PrincessFiona's picture

10 year old girls - YIKES ! I am living your hell. And she is my bio. I honestly think it's the age but it is truely testing my patience.

Eye rolling, stomping, yelling, all-out attitude. No one likes her, no one understands her, everyone is mean to her - never mind how she provokes her brother.

Happy as pie one minute - mean and hissing the next.

I sound like a broken record saying over and over - "You will not talk to me or anyone else in that tone, if you can't speak nicely to everyone GO TO YOUR ROOM."

I've tried mocking her - replaying back to her in my imitation of her tone of voice so that she can hear how she sounds. sometimes this works.

MOstly I walk away and tell her I'll come back and help her do whatever it is she thinks she needs me for when she can be nicer.

When I see her start to build up to a hissy fit (if there is warning) I calmly ask her to take a deep breath and start again in a nice voice.

I know these outbursts are not her prevailing personality so I trust that when the hormones level out or she learns to control herself better she will once again become my sweet child. I have to believe that otherwise I am looking at a very long few years ahead as she become a teen.

In any case, I sympathize with you. And welcome !

Steph9280's picture

Phew!! I'm not going crazy then!! I was honestly thinking that every outburst was my fault because I'm the step monster, but if your bio child is doing the same, I'm taking ur advice on it being the age Princessfiona. I'm so glad I've joined this site Smile

Steph9280's picture

Hahahaha thats FANTASTIC! Only if I was rich....or if my Gram was still alive....she'd be a different child for sure!

PrincessFiona's picture

I forgot to add that to my post - the thing to remember (and I have to say it over and over to myself) is to not take it personally.

A very wise aunt of mine once told me that children are their worst with those that they trust. That they feel comfortable exspelling all their evilness to those that they know love them. I keep trying to believe it Smile

skylarksms's picture

I don't have any advice for you but just my perspective. My DH got on my son quite a bit because he felt I was too lenient on him. I was lenient on him because he was a pretty good kid and I was guilty that he didn't have his own father around. My son ended up disliking his stepdad immensely.

I guess I would try to get mom to see that she needs to step up to the plate with discipline or you will always be the "bad guy."

Steph9280's picture

Skylark, it's very funny you say that. After the tantrum in the car this morning I called my wife and said the SAME exact thing you just told me!! It's just trying to get her to be consistent. Any tips on how to do that?

skylarksms's picture

I guess what worked for us was to sit down (as a family) and discuss and make rules that everyone needed to live by. And consequences for breaking the rules. Then we posted these on the fridge.

This helped because it was right there in front of anyone so nobody could say that they "forgot" or something like that.

I can't say it solved ALL the issues but it helped.

Steph9280's picture

May I ask what your punishments are? Right now we take away video games, add additional time to their daily reading, early bed times or take away the tv? I know the reading really hits home with the 10yo. Oh, and we don't do all of those at once lol

PrincessFiona's picture

Those sound like that standard consequences at our house but I'm finding more and more that I prefer natural consequences. If my DD is using an attitude, I stop and walk away from her. I refuse to communicate with her until she can do so with respect. I'm finding it is much more effective in curbing the unwanted behavior.

PrincessFiona's picture

THis was something that helped in our house too. To just talk when everyone is calm about what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. To remind everyone that it's everyone's home and every should feel free to live there without constant conflict. To remind them that everyone has a part in making the environment a friendly one.

I think too it's helped when DH and I have dicussed the kind of behaviors that bother each of us and agreed on an appropriate way to respond to those behaviors.

like Skylark said you can easily become the bad guy and that's a very bad place to be and quickly builds lots of resentment.

clairedelune's picture

I relate to you totally because I have a similar situation and I too have been taking extra hours at work in order to get out of the house! Wish I could help more but I can say that I do understand, especially with the 'motherbear' but here it's 'fatherbear'.
I like to think that in 5 years she'll be out of the house and we'll be in peace and quiet but 5 years often seems like a long time from now, especially when PMS is in the house with her!

Steph9280's picture

There are times when I'd like to say alright..things change or she goes to her fathers, but i can't make C choose between me and her kid, not fair at all. I wish we had extra hours offered here, I'd be all over it. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude that today will be different and maybe plan some fun Halloween activities for tonight. Fingers crossed!

Orange County Ca's picture

And if all those suggestions fail then this is what I did:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.