Feeling frustrated with SD after her cousin came over
I have a 6 year old SD whom I have known for about a year. Her dad and I have been together for 2.5 years, married very recently. I have come to love SD and enjoy her company, and she has latched onto me as she never had any female figures in her life besides grandma. Initially, I was feeling frustrated with some of her behavior, as she was pretty majorly spoiled by her dad and grandparents before I came into the picture. DH and I worked through things and have come up with plans for addressing certain behavioral issues like picky eating, the attitude, etc. Because of this I began to accept her quirks and issues and I have been very patient with her as she is only 6 and it'll take some effort for her to change.
However, despite this, we are very different people and I have a hard time relating to her personality. She has also begun to see me in two different ways depending on the context. When we are just hanging out, I am the best mom ever, when I make her eat decent food or clean her room she wishes I never came into the picture and screams for hours about hating her life. I don't generally take it personally as I'm aware it's part of the process of behavior change, but it does occasionally frustrate me. She seems to have difficulty remembering the rules and has trouble connecting cause to effect so she is constantly getting herself into trouble and not understanding why she is in trouble despite us explaining it to her every hour of every day.
She has three cousins, two boys and a girl, ranging from ages 3 to 7. They have had an even more tumultuous life- chronically unemployed parents, drug use in the home, divorce, bfs/gfs coming and leaving, and most recently their father is going to serve 10 years in prison for a violent crime. Their grandparents are struggling to care for them so other family members have been picking up the slack whenever possible. Lately we have been having her female cousin over as they are the same age and generally get along.
Based on description, I thought her cousin was going to be an even worse version of SD, but to my surprise she is very polite and well mannered.
Food is a big issue in this house; DH and I are big on eating clean, home made food and we are pretty adventurous eaters. SD like typical kids fare, mostly because she was catered to for most of her life and we have been trying to expand her palate and have her eat more than baloney sandwiches and frozen chicken nuggets. I was worried about having to get both SD and her cousin to eat, but after some half hearted resistance her cousin ended up eating every meal I made, including all of the vegetables. SD didn't eat anything except for half of a mango. SD also has difficulty playing alone and entertaining herself, which her cousin did very well. Her cousin is also very sweet and asked me if "SD knows she has the best stepmom ever", which I admit affected me more than it should have. When I got onto her for breaking the rules she accepted things and changed her behavior immediately.
I feel really bad, but after my positive experience with her cousin I have been feeling less patient with SD. I know I shouldn't compare children and I would never say anything to SD or her cousin. I suppose I'm just venting after a very tiring week but if anyone has any advice for working through these feelings I'd love to hear it.
Sometimes kids that have been
Sometimes kids that have been neglected or in a bad situation can be very grateful and polite when you first meet them. It's possible that the cousin has behavioral problems or other emotional issues from what she's gone through but I would take her compliment about you being the best stepmom genuinely.
I have found it's easier to deal with any kid other than my SD something about step kids just put some extra level of pressure and annoyance. It's the nature of the relationship that you're never really going to be relaxed taking care of them because they come with so much baggage.
Perspective of a Picky Eater
I've been hearing a lot about skids not eating certain foods, and i think there's a difference between willful disobedience to be difficult and having sensory/processing disorder. When i was a kid they didn't have that as a diagnosis, or ADHD, or really anything of that nature. They just said i was extremely picky.
When i was a kid i had a lot of foods i didn't eat. It started when i was about 5-6 months old and developed an aversion to milk. The doctor told my mom that she was crazy and to keep breastfeeding, because a baby won't starve itself, and she hadn't stopped producing. Well - i starved myself and when she brought me in looking like a famine victim, he considered hospitalization and said "just give her whatever she will eat." To this day drinking milk is so unpleasant, kind of like choking down cough syrup but worse, and i'm not allergic. It's just that gross to me. Like, so gross it's painful.
My whole life, i've been unable to eat certain foods. Some food textures gross me out, and sometimes it's the smell. My family didn't make special food for me but gave up on making me sit at the table until i finished whatever. I would rather sit there a week. I would sit at the table with everyone else and eat the things i liked, and sometimes got pretty hungry. My mom sometimes let me make myself some peanut butter toast or something after. As i got older i would really try to like different things. I've learned to adapt, and I eat the things i like least first, when i'm most hungry, because they go down easier. I eat more now than i ever did, but I've been very thin my whole life.
All that is to say that for some people, they really aren't trying to be difficult. As far as your particular situation, i can't say.
I see what you are saying. I
I see what you are saying. I have suspected some sensory issues in SD so that could very well be the culprit for her food issues, but it's been hard to sus that out when DH and I are the only adults in her life that value healthy eating and we have only been attempting this for a few months. Her other family members are content to just throw cheese and mayo sandwiches at them with an iPad or give her and her cousins ice cream for dinner on a regular basis so it feels like we are fighting 6 years worth of habits. I will definitely keep what you said in mind, I've read a lot about people like you who have aversions to certain foods that they cannot help. With SD she can't articulate what it is that bothers her about my food so I think talking to the pediatrician is our next move.
With a situation of 6 years
With a situation of 6 years of bad habits, i guess you can just do the best you can do. As a stepparent, you (or I) often want to raise the kids well, how you would your own kids. Some stepparents here have even raised their own kids to be successful adults and know what they are talking about, and still can't get through to stepkids. When there are years of ingrained bad habits and also they go to their other parent, who may not do things the way you do, it makes it hard. Plus there may be drama or animosity with the other parent. Stepparenting is so much harder than parenting your own!