The Double Standard
Some background info -
Been Dating my SO for 2 years now. He has 2 kids:
Daughter - now 11. Full time with dad. He didn't know about her til she was 3 and just got custody 2 1/2 years ago. Birth Mom is in completely different state and barely calls. Not a fan of me but it is getting better.
Son - 4 y/o. Split between my SO and different BM (2-3 days a week and EO Weekend). His BM and I have become best friends. I love her & her children (she has 2 others) to pieces and we work together great, and help each other a lot.
I grew up as the daughter of a single dad, so I have a window into what his daughter is going through. Not the same path, but very similar. I know I can't replace or fill in for any of his kids moms. Just an extra adult who can love on them. My thoughts coming into this relationship was to go slowly, I wasn't even introduced until 6 mos after we started dating, and I didn't even make a real presence until almost a year (we did take a hiatus from the relationship for a couple months before then). I help out with the kids, take them to fun activities, or fill in as sitter, and try to do games and art with the daughter, mostly on her terms (I offer her events or activities but make no pressure to participate). Basically I try to make myself available in the time I have for his kids and family.
So my dilemma right now is the expectations of my role as his girlfriend. He loves it when I help with the kids, he thinks I am a great role model for his daughter, he finds my friendship with his ex a bit weird but very helpful. He even liked my ideas when he was dealing with some rough behaviors from his Daughter (I work at the local school district and pulled in some basic tactics I used with my kiddos). The problems arise when I try to remain consistent in what he has told me, or what was agreed upon, and he gets defensive. It will boil down to "These are my kids, let me parent them My way." .... but I was just following through with what HE decided. Or if I offer a suggestion he doesn't like (his son needs help with his speech, which is the dept I work in, and Dad is fighting it), then he shuts down and ignores me.
Not sure how to continue on with this. I love him and his kiddos but refuse to be kept around to be a "fill-in mom" or nanny. (and nanny's are allowed to "parent" more than I can!)
My SIL takes the same perspective as your SO
on the speech issues our nephew has. They refused to get the kid help because they didn't want him to feel different or embarrassed. So now the kid is a tormented soul because he gets incessent loads of crap from his peers due to his choice not to speak clearly and the fact that he is a giant. When he was 3-4yo people thought he was 6-10yo based on his size.
His speech issues are do to pure laziness. When I am with him I don't allow him to be lazy in his eloqution. He knows I won't respond unless he says it correctly and .... SURPRISE!!! no speech issues with Uncle Rags. He speaks clearly.
The basic lack of behavioral and performance standards have resulted in this kid "hating" school and choosing not to perform in school. He can do math and spelling just fine at home... but locks up at school because he is allowed to get away with it. And yet again my SIL and her DH don't want him to feel different so ... they make excuses rather than confronting the issues and getting the kid some effective support.
I know, not the educational or kid behavioral specialist perspective but as a professional problem solver I have landed on living frequently in the "what" world and less so in the "why" world when it comes to people's chosen behaviors. If I can confront the what and that solves the issue I don't really care about the why. Human behavior has so many variables that the why is often a waste of time when the what can be addressed very readily.
If your DH doesn't like how you parent or discipline his kid... then he can step up and get it done before you have to. If he doesn't step up he can bite his tongue and have your back. As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your marital home.
All IMHO of course.