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AParmann's picture

My husband has 4 children, 19 year old with BM1, 14 year old with BM2 and a 10 & 4 year old with BM3. I get along with BM1 & BM2, my problem is with BM3. She has been nothing but trouble since she found out my husband was serious about me when we were dating. She has sent him pictures of her boobs (which were not pretty boobs, BTW), she's sent texts trying to cause conflict, she's written him a long letter telling him how much she loves him and how messed up she is over him being with me. That was only the beginning. She is an attention seeker, manipulates his older children, manipulates their shared children, stalks my Facebook. She has a drug problem also. She is always dying of something. She has shaved her head to make people think she has cancer .... including her children. Anytime something interesting happens for my husband and I, she ends up in the hospital with some illness. She has a close relationship with his 19 year old daughter and this is where my problem is. I have tried to reach out to this girl and have been nothing but nice to her but she is trying to play both sides against each other. She will screenshot things I post on social media and send it to his ex, she has talked shit about me to her and then comes to me and talks shit about her. The ex had nothing to do with this girl from the time she cheated on my husband and caused their split until I came into the picture. She is using this girl as a pawn. Just the other day, my SD sent her another screenshot of a response I made to my husbands brother, he said something about I should shave my hair off (joking) and I just said that I didn't want to copy someone we know. The ex is blocked and cannot see anything. My SD was purposely trying to cause drama. So, I told my husband that I no longer want to associate with his daughter or anyone that is close to his ex. Am I wrong from cutting his daughter off ? I am not going to be mean to her, I just don't want to keep trying to have a relationship with her if she's just going to keep trying to cause conflict. I know this post is all over the place and I apologize if it's confusing. I just need to know from an outsider if I'm doing the right thing. His ex is going to end up hurting this girl when she realizes she can no longer get to me from her.

Disneyfan's picture

Why would his daughter be interested in building a relationship with you? Your husband has already taught her that his wives are just temporary fixtures in their lives. She may have learned long ago

He's on wife #4. There's no telling how many girlfriends were also in the mix. If she developed relationships with those women, it's possible she was hurt when the marriages/relationships didn't work out.

Of course that is no excuse for her to stir up trouble between you and #3

twoviewpoints's picture

I'm not so sure yo need to cut the SD19 off as much as perhaps knock off any discussion of any of the previous wives and inside "jokes" about any of them.

Doesn't really matter that BM # whatever is blocked or not, you're at least #4 in this SD's life...his children just really don't need to hear/see what you or her uncle have to say about these other woman. Even when it's supposedly all in fun and joking. SD19 had to grow up around/with all these women Dad brought into her life. Many of them , at different stages of her childhood, may have been very kind to her and she grew to accept and have feelings for.

Or maybe SD19 just likes to stir sh*t. Who knows. Either way, if the ammunition she's using is coming from your post and comments on facebook, it's probably time to consider facebook is a part of the problem.

Between your DH and you there are eight child, an three ex-wives/BMs, I'll assume an ex-DH or two (?) and a whole lot of baggage. I would think just having to get eight kids to function together would bring enough issues and hardship without inviting additional stress and fuss.

If nothing else, change your settings on facebook so SD does not have access to everything.

sammigirl's picture

Don't cut the SD19 off verbally; just stay away from the social media or discussion concerning any of this mess. Tell your DH and SD19 that you would rather not hear or be involved with any of it. Then do it! Don't participate in any way! Even if the curiosity is killing you, stay away from hearing, reading, or discussing any of this.

It will take care of itself, if you take yourself out of the picture immediately and stay out. Just concentrate on your life and marriage. If SD19 comes to you, tell her "no more", let's do something more constructive, like live a positive life.

You are in the middle of this, take yourself out. It will only get worse and probably destroy your marriage. Don't worry about the stepkids or ex's, just you and your DH.

I can't imagine being wife #4. Wife #2 is hell.

Good luck

Thumper's picture

Check your husbands court order.

Go over it with a fine tooth comb.

Does it state anywhere say HE is required to text,or read text messages from bm.

IF not, block her. BUT before he does that either give her your land line telephone number OR go out and get a flip phone with ONLY telephone capabilities. Give her that telephone number for 'her convenience' only.

Stop the dam texting crap for goodness sake once and for all. Same goes for personal email.

I get it parents of kids "MAY" need to talk once in awhile. Maybe our family wizard would be best suited for your dh. She can send her trashy pics via the app so the court can see it too IF when they look.

IF she sends a letter in the mail be very careful opening it up. LOOK at it and if the topic is NOT about the kids/or if she is bitching, projecting her screwed up life---tape it back UP and mark return to sender OR mail it back to her after you got a copy of it for your records. Remember to screen shot the front of the envelope with the USPS stamp on the front AND her handwriting showing it was sent to your house.

your house, your rules and your privacy too....remember that.

If she calls, and calls and calls...let it go to vm. Tell bm IF in the unlikely event of an emergency, please leave the hospital name and HE will get there as soon as he is able. Returning any not addressed emergency in 48hours is usually reasonable.

Also, get zoned into all school stuff with the young ones. Give teachers your personal cells emails ect. IF there is a problem teacher or concerns about child "CALL US" please!!!!

It works until a bm totally blocks the kid from you and all information. By then the kid is are usually sucked into her pathogenic parenting there is no turning back and you wont see him or her.

Welcome to step talk. Where you will quickly realize YOUR NOT the only one.

yolo222's picture

wow.. three exes.. I would have never got involved with someone with all of these kids an exes. Seriously.. good luck.

AParmann's picture

Thank you all for your time. I'm just really not prepared for all of this. I'm wife #2, he didn't marry #2 & #3. I knew that he had children and honestly, they were all great in the beginning. His daughter and I were starting to have a great relationship (or so I thought) ..... and then BM3 wasn't having any luck with her attempts to "scare" me away and she restarted her contact with my SD. I have 4 children of my own, all with my ex husband. I maintain a healthy co-parent relationship with my ex and we keep communication only about our children. I have never dated a man with children that weren't my children too so all of this is foreign to me. I guess I just figured all ex's worked together like my ex and I do. I have deleted mine and my husbands social media accounts, I'd rather just eliminate any way she can get access to our business. I am glad I found this forum, I literally felt like maybe I was crazy for cutting this girl off.

Rags's picture

Your DH sounds a lot like my Skid's SpermIdiot. DipShitIot has 4 all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mammas. My kid (SS-24) is his eldest and our only.

Fortunately he has saved himself from that shallow and polluted gene pool and is a self supporting viable adult... unlike his SpermIdiot.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Okay.
So...
Three baby mamas, and four children, the youngest of whom is not yet in kindergarten.

I wouldn't poke that man with a ten foot pole.

To answer your question though:
Yes. Disengage from the stepdaughter. For the love of God.