BM is ruining my relationship with boyfriend and his kids - Newbie requesting help (and sanity!)
I've been dating my boyfriend for about two years. I have two children (10 and 5), he has three (11, 7, 5). Two of BF's children are disabled, one with autism, the other with Down's Syndrome. I love all three of his kids and they get along really well with mine. We have them from Saturday morning to Sunday evening every weekend.
However, they're BM is just beyond insane. We started dating shortly after they were separated (we were childhood sweethearts) and she blames me for the fact that he stayed away (he had left several times before due to her insanity, but she'd use the kids as bait to get him to come back).
I can't even tell you what I've put up with over the last two years - she's called my job, my parents, my ex, my grandparents, my friends, stalked me on facebook and Twitter and my blog. She's lobbied every accusation against me and thoroughly poisoned my stepkids against me. THe five-year-old, who is profoundly autistic can't just say my name. Says my name and slut as a litany whenever she needs me.
She repeatedly tells BF that he's a bad dad and a deadbeat even though he pays her support and all the extra - clothes, sports, tutoring, halloween costumes, birthday parties, etc. She's jealous of my kids and our house because it's a lot better than what she has. But, I work and make a very good living. I provide for his kids as much as possible, but then she ends up just calling and screaming that I can buy them "designer" clothes (we're talking Old Navy and Gymboree) here, but I should be giving her my money becasue she has nothing for her kids. BF gives her more than 60% of his take home salary and she's brining him back to court for more. Between the CS, Alimony and disability checks she gets for the two disabled children, she makes more than my boyfriend does in a month.
Unfortunately, BF is still affected emotionally by these attacks. He ends up giving her more money to make them stop, which just eggs her on more. He and I are on the brink of breaking up because he won't cease contact with her. I've begged him to block her from text and e-mail and only take her phone calls if they are urgent for the kids, but he refuses, because when he cuts her off, she cuts off access to the kids during the week and he can't talk to them.
On top of that, she's started asking that we take them Fridays, our only night alone (I have my kids Sunday night to Friday morning). He did a couple of weeks as a favor; now she expects it and starts telling the kids that daddy would rather be with me and my kids (who aren't even there) on Fridays' instead of them. So, we're not getting CS credit for the Fridays and now we have no alone time.
Egged on by her endless e-mail, text and phone call attacks (I've started counting - she sends at least 500 - 600 text messages a day on the days she has her dander up -- which is pretty much all the time), he says it's not fair of me to ask him to give up time with his kids when I have mine most of the week, and insinuates I'm taking my hatred of her out on the kids, but I feel like that's the schedule we agreed to when we got together and while I'm okay with with occasional switch in schedule, if it's going to be a permanent thing, we should have that discussion.
I love his kids, but also value my Friday nights off. We don't sleep when they are there because the five year old only sleeps in 90-minute spurts has to stay in our room so she won't escape and leave the house during the night. So two nights of that every week is starting to wear on me and my performance as a mom to my kids and my job.
BF feels profound guilt for leaving his kids and moving an hour away and now living in a home that is better in every way compared to what he had when he was married. He's started going up there 2 - 3 nights a week to coach his son's sports team, which means he's now not getting home until 10 or 11 o"clock at night. I'm ready to throw in the towel, but hoping for some perspective. Am I being selfish? Do I have a right to tell him it's his new family or his old? It feels like it has come to that point. And if not, how do I minimize BM's impact on my life? I feel like i have no control over my weekends or summer, because no matter what I plan for me and BF, me and my kids and BF, or me, my kids, BF and his kids, it's subject to whatever her whim is going to be about whether the kids will be with us or not. And trust me, I've cancelled and lost so much money to events/vacations because she decided we couldn't have them when we planned to have them and we had to take them when we didn't plan to.
Help. Please. I'm so at a loss here.
Is there a court order in
Is there a court order in place?
she blames me for the fact that he stayed away (he had left several times before due to her insanity, but she'd use the kids as bait to get him to come back).
Same here. Psychotic freak who only got worse because 1. we bought a house together (one of their reasons to fight because he wouldn't buy one with her) AND 2. he married me (he refused to marry her. She thought the skids would force his hand)
My BM, whom I lovingly refer to as PB (psycho bitch), did not attack me directly because, for some reason, she is scared of me.
My DH had no order for visitation when I first met him. I became the devil when I said that he needed something in place instead of just going by her whim of when he can see his kids. WE ASKED FOR AND GOT A "NO CONTACT UNLESS EMERGENCY" ORDER PUT IN which stopped most of her harassment. AND made everything written contact instead of verbal so we had continuing records of her craziness.
That brings me to my next point. Your BF (and you) need to start DOCUMENTING her craziness. EVERYTHING. So he can bring it to court. Even if he doesn't plan on going to court. She WILL drag him in for something. Might as well counter-file.
Also, read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome. Your BM is SO-O-O doing that right NOW! She needs to be stopped or he will end up NEVER seeing his kids.
Get a lawyer who knows about cases like this with high-conflict women. It will be expensive.
The most important part (and the part my DH failed on) is to TAKE HER BACK TO COURT EVERY TIME SHE VIOLATES THAT COURT ORDER until she submissively does what she is supposed to.
Honey, he is the ONLY one who
Honey, he is the ONLY one who can put a stop to it. Apparently, he doesn't see the bigger picture but let him move back to where ever his kids are bc you will never be right or your feelings considered. It's not just unfair to you but very unfair to your children as well.
This is kind of where I'm at.
This is kind of where I'm at. I've said as much to him and he denies that's what he wants. But he does not want to give up his daily two-minute conversations with them. So that's why he says he puts up with it. IDK. Everything is made harder and BM makes it more dirty by using the kids' disabilities to try and guilt him into getting what she wants from him. I guess I'm at a loss, because I feel like this situation is making me the crazy, obsessed and angry one. I'm checking his phone and email to see if there's contact from her, so it's greatly affecting my trust of him, which I hate and, of course, he hates because that's what SHE did to him throughout his marriage. I just don't know how to let it go, though. When I do, I feel resentment because I'm 4th priority after her, the kids and his job.
He has an order for
He has an order for visitation from Saturday at noon to Sunday at noon. For over a year, we've been taking them from 9 am Sat to 6 pm Sunday. She never meets him or drives the kids to us, so he's doing the hour commute each for for both pick up and drop off. She uses emotional intimidation and his guilt and desire to see his children more to get him to take them extra time and pay more money.
1. Him giving her more money
1. Him giving her more money than he is supposed to (hopefully it IS wage-garnished...?) just feeds into her behavior.
2. If she denies visitation, take her ass to court!
3. Does the CO specify who is to be responsible for transportation?
It's not garnished. He's
It's not garnished. He's tried to do that, but she keeps fighting it. It's just another way she can keep tabs on him and harass him twice a month.
She doesn't deny visitation (she loves her newfound social life), but does deny him talking to the kids during the week. I think he likes talking to them, just so he can tell them he loves them. When he doesn't talk to them (at her insistence and refusal), she tells them he's too busy with his "new family."
It doesn't matter if SHE
It doesn't matter if SHE wants garnishment. He can contact Child Support Enforcement himself and REQUEST it.
He is giving her WAY too much power in this entire situation.
What does the CO state about phone conversations? This is ALL stuff that he should be documenting to show how unreasonable she is and her refusals to effectively co-parent with her.
Oh, another piece of advice....NEVER believe what the BM says. A lot of times you can't even believe what the FATHER says. Not necessarily that they are lying, but most don't pay enough attention to what exactly is listed in the court order!
I would not believe PB (BM) if she told me that the sky was blue. I would have to go look for myself to make sure it didn't change.
As far as all the texts, etc.
As far as all the texts, etc. He needs to ONLY respond to anything related to the skids. NOTHING ELSE. No matter how many buttons she pushes, etc.
She is a drama-queen and an attention whore. He is totally giving her what she wants.
Have you told him you are
Have you told him you are thinking of leaving?
Your bf is being ruled by guilt and fear, so much so you are right he is neglecting his relationship with you and helping BM sabotarge any wellbeing between you and skids. Whether he is choosing this route for a variety of reasons, such as its less hassle for him (i.e. he would rather pee you off than BM), hes ground down, he is afraid - impo he is assisting BM's terror on your all.
Bad mouthing you and putting horrible things into the skids head is abuse. Plain and simple. So BM's behaviour is affecting you all and he is sooooo afraid, he doesnt want to make things harder for himself by challenging her.
This POV my sound harsh and unfair on your OH, however, if he was doing the right thing he would protect you, your children and attempt to rectify this bad mouthing to children by taking her to court.
I am unsure as of the amount of child support he HAS to pay, but sounds like he is paying way more. If he cut back, then he could save this money in order to take legal action against the BM - court appointed access ensuring he reduces the amount of *hold* the BM has over you all.
I guess I would tell your OH all of the above. I think he needs a good kick up the arse, instead of fulfilling the role of the victim perfectly (after all poor OH with all the abuse he has to endure - shame he doesnt have the same sense of fairness or care when it comes to you having to go through the same thing which he could put a stop to to a degree)he could decide to man up. Maybe this will give him a shock or perhaps you have to consider more permanent avenues!
I constantly talk about it.
I constantly talk about it. I've only mentioned breaking up once and that at least got him to block her text for a week, but then she wanted to send pictures and kept calling and calling, so he unblocked. I wish I had a gameplan for this situation. I feel guilty for being mad he wants to spend time with and care for his kids, but I think he does that to shut her up, rather than a real need for that. But, that's what it always comes down too - he brings the kids and their well-being into it, and I'm powerless, because of course I don't want to stand in the way of their relationships. But it's at the hindrance to our relationship progressing. Which, as has been stated, is unfair to me and mine. How do people balance this? Is this mostly the BM's craziness, his weakness, my selfishness? A combination of all three?
Hi there. Am new to this but
Hi there. Am new to this but joined for very similar reasons to your post. Im am engaged to a man who has a bio 3S and a SD7. We have none between us yet. He didnt see them for 10 months as she refused and it went to court. Now he has access twice a month but she causes issues whenever she can.
I sympathise greatly. The BM has a history of mental health issues now affecting the SD7. We, as a family, can do nothing right! My advice is to talk and talk with your BF. The BM in my life would love nothing better than us to break up and give up! I know its tough and the days they kick off and stream abuse feel like mountains. I feel sick when I hear my partners phone beep. I get sick of her being the topic of conversation.
As others have said...document it all. I dont know what else to say for the moment. The BM has kicked off again tonight over trivial stuff again so I am pretty fed up right now.
Nellie x