For me, disengaging was not about me "wanting nothing to do with the skids". In hindsight, I realized I was trying (somewhat) to parent when it wasn't my job and I was frustrated because the skids didn't act how *I* expected kids to act if they were mine. 

So I stepped back and let DH do the parenting. That included cooking for and cleaning up after the skids. When he got tired of the cleaning up after, the Disney Dad in him died and he stepped up and made the skids responsible for their messes. 

I also mostly did my own thing when the skids came EOWe. DH didn't plan to be a part-time parent so it was important that he squeeze as much quality time as possible in the 2 days he got. He has a solid relationship with his kids and my relationship with them is now very good.

Everyone disengages differently. My husband is 100% responsible for everything while they are at the house. This includes extra groceries, laundry, dinner, entertainment, getting pads, and making sure all their hygiene is on point. Most importantly he parents them and spends one on one time with them. 
 

I disengaged so their whore mother couldn't make anything about me. I made the mistake early on of getting too involved and doing "mom" ish, styling hair (we now pay a stylist). The kids don't have to choose btw me or her bc I'm not a choice and she can't make my husband's life hell for it. Yes, a normal person would see/understand that a mom will always have her place but a narcissist has to WIN and be the favorite. The kids are always kind and mostly well behaved (for teens).
 

Disengagement is different for everyone, I don't think it's fair to put it under one blanket definition.  

When my SDs were at their worst, in their teens, I don't think my DH liked them all that much either!  He used to refer to them jokingly as "my vile daughters".  So no, he didn't resent the fact that I didn't care for them, and we have come through the bad years - the SDs are not so vile now as they were, lol.  

I think it saved mine.  I was being pushed and expected to parent DHs children by DH.  BM expected me to NOT parent yet be the nanny at her beck and call.  And the SSs treated me and my BS like crap and outsiders.   Neither DH or BM would actually parent their kids.  I had to disengage to set boundaries for both DH and BM.   The SSs were trying to make me the bad guy and tell lies about me so I withdrew from all of it.   BM was very pissed when I said no more but I didn't care. DH was upset at first but once he saw how much happier I was he understood.  Plus he actually had to start parenting his spawn himself and finally saw what jerks they were.    The older two have been PASd for years now.  One good thing is I disengaged long before that so their estrangement wasn't being spouted as my fault. 
DH still has hope for YSS and wants he and I to have a good relationship.  We do, but I still refuse to  parent him.   He and I are friendly and can coexist without issues.  That is how I like it.

I am not a fan of pure "disengagement".  It requires that a person abdicate from a huge part of their marriage.  Not something I am willing to do.

However, I do not believe that it is just refusing to engage with a spouse and their prior relationship kids.  Disengagement is about filtering participation in the parenting process to certain areas of participation and leaving other areas to the BioParent. Most importantly it is about setting expectations for how Skids and a spouse will behave and perform as they engage in being a part of your life.

Set the boundaries, enforce the boundaries of behavior and performance and don't go down the rathole of over engaging.  

That is my interpretation of disengaging.

There is a difference between disengaging and disconnecting. You can disengage from parental responsibilities but still have a relationship with the SKs, even a pleasant one. It just looks more like a relationship you'd have with an in-law than parent/child.

There are times, though, that disengaging to the point of disconnecting - where there is no contact with or discussion about - from a SK is necessary. Those situations have a 50/50 shot of either working or not, dependent upon why the SP disconnects. If the SP disconnects because an SK has been a disrespectful snot to them, then it's not the disconnecting that will cause divorce; it will be their spouse's reaction to it. If a spouse allows it or starts in with "you just hate my kid" when the kid has been an a-hole, then that spouse allowing the disrespect *and being disrespectful in return* will end the marriage.

A SP who disconnects just because they don't like the idea of their spouse having kids is most likely to be the cause of their own divorce by being too rigid, but that is likely a rigidity that extends to other aspects of their life that makes them difficult partners overall.

I have grown offspring and overgrown steps. My current issues are definitely with my H. For myself, I am on my way to another divorce, I would say. It's a horribly shameful thing to take stock of my adult life and see what a mess I've made of my self and how I impacted my children. I have done a pretty decent job not being a adult skid punching bag. I'm not quite sure I've done what I could or should do in this marriage yet. So, I am keeping the established disengagement, but H and I are talking/arguing a lot as I want to inspect the principles of our life and this crummy family. It would be far less painful to just divorce. I'm just not ready. The adult skids are not my problem: the way I allowed my H to treat me and how I'm not letting it go are. 

I wish marriage counseling was an option here. 

" In essense, isn't disengaging really a slap in your spouse's face?"

Actually, I think if you want to look at it like a slap in their face, your starting in the middle of the story.  It is actually a SLAP BACK!! 

Anyone on here that I have ever read their story they did not just disengage over spilt milk.  It is always over years of disrespect to the SM from her Step kids and her husband.  Further, It is usually not taken lightly and at least in the beginning most feel bad that it has to be that way, but I can assure in most stories it does!!  

Most husbands let their terrible acting children and often times their ex-wife treat the step-moms terrible and like second class citizens.  It is usually after taking this treatment and trying many things that then the step-mom disengages. She has to to protect herself.

SOOOOOOO with all of that said.... The slap you speak of was actually first laid out by the husband and step-kids and I must add that this slap wasn't just once it was repeatedly...... hummmmmmm sounds a little like abuse to me!!!

I think you are speaking about something you know nothing about!!!!!

notes above, it was after YEARS of me playing maid, with no thanks. Shopping for gifts, reminding DH of birthdays etc. and them only acknowledging DAD or Grampa. It was the visceral verbal abuse, the passive aggressive jabs, the crappy purchase with purchase "gifts." So it was a slow, gradual progression. If someone has never experienced anything like this, at first you aren't really sure what "IT" is, or what is really happening. When you figure it out and do not wish to participate in making yourself the active verbal whipping post in the blame game, you step back. I agree with Sandybeaches, DH's and SK's throw the first punch, and we just do what is necessary for self-preservation, which, in turn makes us  happier, and hopefully the marriage.

I have a sister who has narcissistic personality disorder and also is bi-polar. I have gone no contact with her because she tries to destroy me.  My step daughter is trying to destroy me too -- from my experience, I can see it from a mile away that I have to go no contact with her.  At least in the step-daughter's case, she might someday be a decent person to me, unless she also has an incurable mental disorder, in which case I know to not even try.  It has nothing to do with my husband -- the bitch wants me to pressure him, that's her whole evil plan.  I just refuse to play.  

I'm on this forum because I'm trying to learn how to deal with steps. I married the man, but did not promise devotion to his grow ass children. They have to earn my respect just like anyone else, and I have to earn their's. 

I have just recently disengaged with my SS 23. He has hurt me so bad over the last few months that I am done. Before he met his fiancé he and I was super close. He didn't have a relationship with his BM. I raised him since he was 14, and the last few months he has flipped a switch. He has made up lies about his BD and myself. He has ignored us and talked nothing but crap about us. He has seemed to forgot everything that we have done for him in the past. He's badmouthed me to my son and now he's trying to turn his younger brother against us. I have completely blocked him from anyway he could possibly contact me. I am DONE!  My husband just keeps saying everything will work out, but I don't want it too. My SS has threw us under the bus for the last time. I can't tell you what will happen when a holiday or something comes up. I have made a vow to myself that he will not become between DH and I. I am just going to be there for my DH and hope that it works out for the best. I honestly can say since I have disengaged I have peace of mind. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Disengaging has helped save my relationship.  Prior to, my SO and I would argue because I was angry and carrying hurt feelings from the way I was being treated.  SK treated him just as badly, but when you are a BP you have a bond you have formed with your children that makes it easier for you to let go and move past negative feelings because thier is love and a strong bond. As a SP especially in my case, I came into the picture during pre adolescence.  Which is already a tough time for kids and they are not very likeable people.  The reality is no matter what kind of person I am or how good my intentions are, our relationship in reality is not a parent-child relationship.  They will never love or care for me as they do thier own parents. So I view it as a more mature relationship in which I put in what I get back. Do this has improved my overall mental health in that I dont allow myself to be used , abused or taken advantage of. I place my focus on my relationship with SO. I can't be scapegoated by SKs as the cause of all thier anger and animosity because SO handles all the discipline.  I have accepted that I am not responsible for the type of adults they become,  so I dont have any personal feelings about the way he chooses to parent them.  I focus on only they which I can control which is how I choose to raise my BS.  I am always kind to the SKs I do care for them, I just dont allow myself to be a doormat. I dont allow myself to feel guilty about doing things for my son and mot them, because they have a mother and I am his only mother. Also, thier father also has the capability to do the same things with them. He can buy them clothes, special groceries,  take them places.  I do not interfere and I do not expect him to do for my son as he does for SKs. Now when the come to me to intervene in a sibling quarrel or ask for something I direct them to thier father or thier mother. I dont feel guilty this is a situation of thier own creation as I only existed when they wanted something and the rest of the time, I was the bad guy even getting blamed for thier hormonal mood swings. They are learning a hard lesson be careful what you ask for you just might get it. I am a trouble maker who needs to mind my own business.  When I just took that to a whole new level.

Disengaging is not a decision, it's a process.  It's so much easier for skids to blame the SP for anything the bio parent does or doesn't do. For instance, if my DH didn't want to attend a certain family function for reasons of his own, I was to blame. It's having money stolen from you. It's going to work everyday to support these ungrateful beings. By the time they reach adulthood you're so tired of all the crap you can hardly stand to be in their presence. And now they have kids. It just never ends.

If you look at it from a different perspective, sometimes it's the only reasonable option. If you were a department manager in a store (SM) and your employee was always late, would no call no show, was not doing thier job, and sat on thier phone all day at work(SK). You write up the employee and give them a verbal counseling. The next day you get a call from the District Manager (BM). That employee is thier nephew and they order you to immediately remove that notice if discipline from the employees file and inform you in the future if you have any issues with that employee you are to let them handle it.  So next time you do contact the District manager (BM) they in turn chew you out, as they have already talked with the employee(SK)and are aware that you are the problem.  You go to the store manager (DH) they completely empathize with you on the situation and are aware of the issues with the employee(SK) but they are not going to risk thier job by confronting the district manager (BM) and they have tried to address the employees behavior in the past, but they have also been reported to the district manager (BM) so the employee has no respect for thier authority either. At this point do you quit your job because everything else about your job is great, and other than this particular situation you like your store manager (DH) but the district manager is a jerk. Or, do you just ignore the employee and accept he can pretty much do whatever he wants without consequence and focus on what you can control, like your other employees,  going to the store manager (DH) to help get staffing from other departments when you are short because the employee did not come in for thier shift.

That they have disrespectful, intolerable and abusive kids who cross peoples boundaries. It reinforces the fact that as a stepparent, i have power to not involve myself with shitty kids. It tells your spouse that they are not parenting their kids well and whilst they are in som ways feeling like they are bounded by blood, as an outsider and non-relative, i don’t have to put up with shitty behaviour...

if our partners do not want us to disengage, they can parent their kids well and enfore basic respect and harmony in the household but their kids are not interested in this

I did not sit down and have a conversation about what disengaging is, what is looks like, and why i would be doing it with my DH. I just simply began doing it. Myself, DH, and SD10 were ALL becoming frustrated with how things were unfolding in our house. I definitely disagree with how DH and BM parent SD. But you know what, it's not my responsibilty for how SD10 turns out as an adult. That is THEIR responsibility and I can't put 100% of it on me. Disengaging is in essence picking your battles. You want SK to clean room before video games? DH doesn't agree? Just shut the bedroom door. Don't pick a battle with SK that isn't important to DH. You will be fighting the battle alone. And you will lose to resentment. 

With disengaging, I have STRENGTHENED my marriage, drove myself LESS crazy, and SD10 is no longer frustrated with me... there is nothing for her to be frustrated about! My SD10 will be in our house for (technically 4 more years, since we have have 50/50). DH and I have our moments, but not worth a divorce when kids grow up anyway.... 

I forgot to add this part. When it becomes DH responsibilty to address behaviors with SK, you can no longer be blamed for anything. Recently DH has seen SD10 true colors since he is the one dealing with it now. Sometimes it takes THIS rather than you telling DH was is bothering you about SD10. IDK about you, but I have found that many DH take is personally when you criticize SK, because it can seem like you don't like them... usually that isn't the case though. DH has had to find out the hard way and has now experienced SD10 negative attitude first hand, as opposed to me just telling him about it. 

To me, I'm disengaging from the role of SM, because the role of SM in our society basically means being a free servant, babysitter, taxi driver, bank, concubine and similar.  These are all roles where you have much responsibility but little to zero authority.  However, as a SM, not only do you not get paid, but you also get resented for "helping" the initial family out as well.

I actually don't mind my husband's kids per se, but since they buy into that sterotype like pretty much everyone else, and I don't want to take on that role, I almost look at it like I've been forced to disengage.  What woman would want to take on that role?  That sure as H- isn't the role I signed up for when I married my DH.  

So, I disengaged from the role of SM and embraced the role of my husband's wife.  In addition, there is no "slap in the face" there.  Especially, if BM is going to be manipulative and controling and DH is going to be weaker and enabling, then good riddance to BM, SKs, the very things that cause DH to be weaker and enabling.  He can deal with them completely on his own and be as weak and enabling with them as he wants.  Just don't include me (or our finances) in on it.

Idvilen is right.  The first step is accepting DH is not going to change (if you live with this sick dynamic). and he is never going to make his brats accountable or civil to you; you are the the "family outsider." Even worse, he is not going to correct them even when he sees you are purposely excluded.  Why? Who knows, but whatever answer  is to the question, it does not matter anyway--nothing will ever change.

Protect yourself from this mess, you have no other choice.  Most of us never imagined this, nor saw a sign of it until we were way into it, otherwise we would not be on this site. However, even these enmeshed men can be super husbands in many other ways and fail us this way. Do not go back for more of the same, because it will not improve; they do not suddently accept you and love you like family. It is hopeless if you have a doormat daddeee. Just make your own life happy away from it and with your own family; they are toxic to you...move on.

I think sometimes disengaging can save the relationship.

To be very blunt, my youngest step daughter is a gross slob. In the beginning, I felt bad for her that no one ever taught her how to take care of herself. So I would try. I would try to do her hair, try to teach her how to wash it, take her shopping, etc.

My husband and SD felt like I was trying to "change" her and like I didn't approve of her being a tomboy. I don't give a rats ass about her being a tomboy or not.

I stopped trying to help her and I don't say anything about it at all. If she wants to leave the house looking like a homeless person, let her. I accept that people may judge me but ultimately, a stranger's opinion of me doesn't affect me. 

I told my husband that I will not say anything more about it but that he is the one who is responsible for making sure she keeps herself clean.

... in the first place. As background, SS is now launched and living out of state. When we first met, though, DH had him every other weekend. For the couple of years before we married DH reserved those weekends for SS and we did not see each other then. After we married SS stayed with us alternate weekends. The first weekend he was with us, I prepared for him as if for an honored guest. I cleaned and fluffed up his room, stocked delicious foods, made sure appropriate entertainment was easily available. He walked in, took a look around, sneered at me, and then shut himself in his room. 

Sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake, but in that instance I caught on right away. I never again went even a millimeter out of my way for SS. I never bought him presents, cleaned up after him, or wasted my breath trying to converse with him. If I've ever fed him it's been purely by accident because he happened to have a fork in his hand when the food was served.

The only time I have to do with him is when he violates one of my carefully-guarded boundaries. Troublesome incidents were pretty bad and pretty common early on, but he's firmly launched now. I rarely have to deal with him these days, and the peace is likely to last unless he moves back home or spawns. 

Fingers crossed.

Disengaging a bit does make sense. I came into my stepkids life when they were 16 and 18, not a time where there was much parenting left for me to do. My DH never expected me to pick up the full role of parent, and I never have. I help out where it's comfortable for me, I love cooking so I don't mind cooking for the kids too. But I am not their mom and not trying to be, and I leave it up to DH to resolve any real problems with them. 

I involve myself when I am comfortable with it, or have something to say that might be helpful for the kids. I make sure they have a nice birthday present from me, and I try to do little things that make them feel good. But I also take my space away from them when they are difficult or I don't particularly feel like engaging, especially because both of them are special needs. My DH understands that his children are very difficult, and he does not blame me at all. That he's such a responsible parent makes me love him more.

I think completely disengaging would be difficult to do if you live in the same house. Some compromise must be made. So if you really can't live with their kids for whatever reason, I do agree either living seperately or divorcing is the best option. The other scenarios would cause too much tension for everyone involved in the long term.

I think all SMs with the manipulative, controlling BM and weaker, enabling DH scenario wind up with chronic PTSD at some point.  Actually, I’d even go on to say that the only ones who truly survive are those who either get divorced or totally disengage from the SKs.  Otherwise, you are pretty much stuck being the sloppy seconds partner in a 3-way marriage.

And that’s one thing I’ll never get: I get people thinking that BM is the mom and kids don’t need another mom, so back off SM.  But what I don’t get is why you never hear SM is the wife and DH doesn’t need another wife, so back off BM?  You see, that is why I am disengaging—not from SKs as much as from the role, because society’s ideal role for a SM literally is for her to be a 2nd wife, a biblical 2nd wife or concubine.  How can such a role even remotely be sanctioned by the good ol’ USA in the year 2020?  Can’t you give SM even one thing to be #1 at?  You can’t even permit her to be a wife?  I mean, really!?  That is quite pathetic when you think about.  That I cannot go to an event with my husband and assume that I’m going to be seated with him!?  In the year 2020!?  That’s asinine and then some.