When you've had enough. SOS
I'm new here. Actually just registered an account 10 minutes ago after reading another post about hating your SK. It's actually sad to think or feel such a way about a person, let alone a child, but at the same time reflecting back on the past 11 years of my life I don't even care that I have those feelings anymore. I hate her. I hate how she looks. I hate her voice. I hate her attitude. Everything. I can see I am not alone here in feeling such resentment and anger towards a child and it has not always been this way. I wish I could turn back time, maybe make different choices or even ran the other way when my fiancée came into my life. But here we are. 11 years later, a home, 2 children of our own and a demon that lives with us.
In the beginning I was open to being in a relationship with a man who had a child of his own. I was 19 when we met, none of my own kids, but I took on the role as a support person for him. I did the whole family thing and he was a great dad. Key word, was. He took care of her on his custody days, did all the transport back and forth, she was never with me for more than short brief periods if he wasn't home. He did everything. So, I decided after 4 years together to start a family with him. Huge mistake.
My SD12 isn't your typical child. I came into her life just before she turned 2. Even being such a young age I knew something wasn't right with her. She would throw horrendous violent tantrums. They lasted for hours. Kicking, hitting, biting, screaming, smashing things, spitting, it was like a scene from the exorcist. I knew this behavior wasn't normal. I mentioned it several times to my fiancée but it was always brushed off. His ex was in total denial and would make comments how she refused to put her on drugs and she was fine. Fast forward years later when SD turned about 8. She was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. She had treatment for about a year and since then her mom who is an RN has decided it's medically unnecessary to continue the medication. I now believe it has turned into conduct disorder.
If there was a poster face for parental alienation, my fiancees ex would be it. This child not only has biological mental issues but she has been manipulated and lied to and taught to lie and be deceitful to us. I have heard from years when she was a child how I wasn't her real mom, she doesn't need to listen to me, I'm wrong, her mom is her boss, I can't tell her what to do, you name it she's said it. My fiancée addressed some of this but never with his ex. He always said if I say something to her she'll take it out on his daughter. Which is true but here we are.
Once I had my DD everything about him as a father went down hill. It was like he brushed his hands off and threw all the parenting responsibility on me for my SD. No matter how many times I said to him that this wasn't my custody schedule or if you're working she shouldn't be here, it ended in huge fights. So I always caved. This caused a huge strain in any type of relationship I could have had with SD. The feeling of hate is mutual between us. Along with her mom.
For 6 years now, I have dealt with some of the most psychotic crap that you only see in creepy lifetime movies. The past 2 years it has gotten worse. She has attacked me in front of my children. Pushed me and punched me while I was holding my DS1. Called me an idiot or stupid. Told me to shut up. Makes up the most insane lies about me to her mom and dad.
Last weekend was the final straw that broke the camels back. She said I called her a retard because she wasn't listening to me. I lost it. I told my fiancée I am done with her. She needs to get out and leave. It was a huge blow out fight. But he blew it off and acted like everything was normal after. Until this week when I refused to pick her up from her mom's. I told him I will never be left alone with her again because I do not trust her and I am done. Done done done. He is not speaking to me. And honestly I'm ok with it. I never thought I would get to the feeling of just not caring anymore. I don't care about his psycho child. I don't care if we split up after 11 years. I don't care what happens to my house. I don't care what happens to him.
I love him. I just can't deal with him anymore. The man I chose to have children with is not the man I met. He is a complete absent father.
The only thing I'm worried about is not having full custody of my 2 children. He claims over and over he will get 50/50. But he is never home. He works 70 hrs a week (hence why I was always stuck alone with SD). I have done everything for my kids from day 1. All doctor appts. All daycare/school transport. Paid all copays. Bought all school clothes, birthday gifts, Xmas gifts. Everything. They are with me 24/7. I cant allow him to do to my children what he did to his own daughter. Not be there for them on his time.
I'm done. I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I need help.
I'm sorry this is happening
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Your SD sounds just like mine. You really have no choice, living with a budding sociopath isn't safe for you or your children. I could be wrong but I think he's bluffing.
He definitely bluffs a lot
He definitely bluffs a lot but I also know if i started to pursue custody he would fight tooth and nail to get what he wants. After having my daughter I noticed how controlling he is about things. I've asked him a millions times why he keeps forcing his 12 yr old to come to our house when she hates it here, we don't get along and it's always negative energy. He basically says because she doesn't need to spend more time with her mom than she already does. Like yeah, I get it, her mom is a big old POS. But she's 12 now. The damage is done. This kid is who she is and making her come to our house is ridiculous at this point and there is a fight every single time. It's just so exhausting and stressful.
Holy Moly!!! That sucks!
So sorry you are dealing with this crap!! I am in your shoes as far as the SD goes but not your scenario. It sounds so bad, so sorry for that. I can not STAND my SD and could care less if I ever see, speak or hear about her again. It's a nasty feeeling which I have recently chosen to completely disengage from. All she wants to do is go back , relive past stupid situations and beg for an apology from me. I don't want an apology, I just want her to "take a hike" from my brain and emotional real estate.
It's tough because I looooovvvvvee kids! I just want you to know you are so not alone in this - go back and read "disengaging" posts. There are hundreds of us out there..
Yes! If I never saw her again
Yes! If I never saw her again in my life I wouldn't care. It would actually feel like a relief. It's just frustrating knowing I tried for years when she was little and was shot down every time. No matter what I did it was like taking 10 steps back with a punch to the gut. I started disengaging about 2 years ago but after last weekend I'm done. I won't speak to her unless her father is right there. And if I have to I'll get a hotel room on the days he's supposed to have her until I can figure out a plan.
Welcome. You're not alone.
Your poor bios, having to grow up around such a person as your SD. That must be so stressful for them.
Start getting your ducks in a row. Consult a few divorce attorneys, separate finances, create an exit strategy.
Collect all the documentation you can on your SD - her diagnoses, meds, treatments, instances of violence against you, and especially instances of mistreatment of your bios. You will need to prove she's a danger to your kids and ask the court to order either supervised or separate visitation.
Good point, I forgot to
Good point, I forgot to mention about the violence. Call the cops. Every time. Have her arrested. She's old enough. Your DH will be angry. Too bad.
But all that would imply she came into your house again, which wouldn't be an option for me.
When she attacked me the last
When she attacked me the last time I told my SO I will call the police and press charges next time she lays a hand on me. SD just laughed and said there's nothing you can do to me. So we'll see. Praying it never comes to that but I'm sure it will. She left a nice bruise on me last time which I documented and have pictures of. She's a little psycho and her mom caves into the BS. She plays the victim role Oscar worthy.
Get thee to an attorney.
Get thee to an attorney.
The one who makes the best plans and is prepared will be much better off.
You thought you had a partner in parenting your kids.. it doesn't sound like he parents his first child.. or YOUR kids either.
It would be difficult to remain respect for someone who has refused to parent his child and a child who clearly has some serious issues with their behavior and quite possibly their mental health.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be alone and in charge of a child who has shown herself to be a danger to you and your other kids... to not want that responsibility for a child that cannot control herself.
Anytime she is violent, pushes you whilst holding your
Baby, you call the cops to remove her immediately. Sometimes the shame is what shocks the parents to get their shit together, other times they act innocent like they've been wronged
but you need to start a paper trail now of the abusive sd
Definitely call the cops
Definitely call the cops whenever she becomes aggressive. Get documentation, get and attorney, then go down to family court and file for a refrain from order against her. It's like an OOP but allows the person to be in the home. The benefit is the authorities can charge the individual if they violate it.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand how hard it is when your SO is not supportive or acts as if you are overreacting. It's unbelievably frustrating.
I was just talking about this today. SO wants so badly to dump the care of YSD on me, which I refuse to allow. He is miserable that I make him have to care for and spend time alone with his own daughter.
If he isn't going to do what he needs to do which is step up and parent his kid. Then the consequences of that should fall squarely on his shoulders.
Uggh. Here we go again.
Any time one of these situations is presented my mind nearly immediately lands on what invariably turns up to be the fact that the problem is rarely the kid and nearly always a failed man/woman, parent, mate that the SParent for some reason tolerates.
Why would anyone choose to breed with someone who has clearly demonstrated that they are a tragically failed adult, mate, and parent?
I get that the easy route is to blame the mate's X, the SKid, etc... However, reality is far more often than not, that the problem is the poor choice of mate that the SParent has made.
So, what are you going to do to address your SO's proven abject failures and your own broken picker of mate?
The situation with a toxic SKid cannot be effectively mitigated unless the root cause of that shit kid's existance can be addressed. The root cause being crappy parenting.
IMHO.
He was not like this at all
He was not like this at all when I chose to have a child with him. He did everything for his kid. I never had to do anything more than be a support person and help when needed which wasn't often. He was a great father. No red flags at all which is why I decided to have a child with him seeing how he was as a father for 4 straight years. But as soon as I had my daughter it was as if he chose to brush his hands off and throw all the parenting responsibility of his first kid on me since we had one together. There's literally 11 years of stuff that I could complain about. But from day 1 this kid was told by her mother nearly weekly that I'm not her real mom and she doesn't have to listen to me. He tried saying things in the beginning but they do not co-parent. They parallel parent. Unfortunately SD was a one night oops, unplanned. They tried to make it work but have nothing in common. Plus BM was a violent psycho early on. Not sure if she is like that with her current husband but I haven't heard pleasant things from SD or others. He was not a poor choice at the time. He changed Unfortunately. Which is too bad for his kids he has with me. But it is what it is I suppose. This SK would have had more of a chance, not just with having a positive relationship with us, but normal friends and other family if her mother wasn't the way she was. Some of the things I could write would disgust any normal caring parent. I had hoped she would realize what her mom was doing was wrong but she flocks to her. A life built on lies, deceit and manipulation. The things her mom has done will affect relationships she has with people for life and it's terribly sad. Her own family has said that their mother/daughter relationship is absolutely disgusting and how that child is nothing but a rotten spoiled entitled brat. SD used to have sweet moments as a child in between her rages from having ADHD and ODD but that's faded with puberty and entering teen years.
I am so sorry for you and your children.
I get how a toxic mate choice can sneak in to one's life.
My XW was a succubus in angel's clothing. My family loved her. She was smart, beautiful, engaging, etc, etc, etc... She was great... then..... we arrived at the hotel after our wedding and reception and she went into the spa bathroom in the honeymoon suite, locked the door, stayed in there for hours and eventually emerged in a ratty T-shirt and thread bare granny panties (no sign of the lingerie she wore under her wedding dress, I never laid eyes on those ... ever) and she went absolutely batshit crazy and it just got worst from that point on. Fortunately I escaped that marriage after a looooooooong 2.5 years without polluting my gene pool with that crazy serially adulterous whore.
Any thoughts on how you can motivate your DH to get his failed family progeny under control and insulate you and your joint children from his poor early breeding choices?
In my case... it was pure dumb luck and my XW's near complete frigidity within the marriage that saved me from that nightmare. She was pregnant when she moved out, unbeknownst to me, though there was zero chance it was mine since it had been 8+mos since we were last intimate.
My SS had to repeat a very pointed mantra before leaving the house on a date when he was a teen. "No glove no love!" and "Wrap it before you tap it!" He would roll his eyes and groan when I requested the mantra when he was on his way out the door. Years later he thanked me for that. He had multiple friends, both male and female, who had teen out of wedlock pregnancies and watching their struggles made a huge impression on him. His mom was right there watching him recite the mantra. She had him when she was 16 and threatened his life many times in his teens if he made her a grandmother before she was 40.
The biggest problem with my
The biggest problem with my fiancée is he is the most stubborn man alive. Right now he's mad at me for finally putting my foot down and telling him I will no longer be alone with her because I do not trust her. So for him, if I don't pick her up and play the whole parent role with her she won't be here because he works so much (self employed and work is seasonal) so now he's busy 7 days a week. I will see how this week goes and maybe his buddies can talk some kind of sense into his thick skull. I'm not trying to push his kid out of our lives I just want him to step the hell up and parent her. If he wants her here so bad then he needs to be here. At the end of the day I'm not the one that needs to form a big old happy bonding relationship with her. He needs to if he wants her in his life, especially during the crappy teenage years and once she becomes an adult.
I've made several suggestions over the years how maybe he can take her more during the winter months when he's not working to make up the time he doesn't see her during spring-fall. But he is not a fan of that. His ex is an idiot but I do believe she would be okay with that. They have 50/50 joint custody which they flex often and he doesn't have to pay child support so idk what the big deal is.
My goal is to try and have a serious conversation with him when he finally cools off and realizes this is not a joking matter. I want to explain to him that everyone else is miserable with the current arrangement. Me, her and her mom all hate it.