What is disengaging and how do I do it?
Ok so I just stumbled across this forum and I think you may be able to help me! I was thinking I have to learn to live with the step kids or my relationship is over but perhaps not?
I have step daughter age 9 and step son age 11. Mainly it's sd that's the problem. I have my own children age 3 and 4 and I've had enough of the bad influence from step kids. Maybe I could tolerate step kids behaviour if it wasn't negatively impacting my kids but it is and I'm failing at getting my partner to sort this all out.
I will start by saying partner does care. He's just worried that if he addresses stuff his kids won't want to come. His response to my raisi g stuff with him is "I can't deal with everything at once!" But then he doesn't deal with anything! He says he raises it with birth mum and she says she will address stuff but nothing has changed in 3 years that I can see. I do think my partner is lazy. He fixes things by paying for something, give a gift, buy food as a bribe. Actually putting in physical effort is not his strength.
basically sd has is very obese and has bo. Oh will send her for a shower and she will stink again straight away she's not washing properly. She is in clothes bigger than me as an average weight adult. All right fitting leggings and tops she's constantly pulling down to cover her flab she looks so uncomfortable! She doesn't rush her hair. I do t think she brushes her teeth. She talks negatively about healthy foods and activities and says unhealthy stuff is great (my kids hero worship her and are starting to say the same stuff!!). Partner doesn't correct her, he doesn't even see it. She is rude and has an attitude, selfish and a cry baby to get her own way. Again partner does it see it. And it's hard because she is 9 so you do expect such behaviour but it's her adults failing her by not addressing it! All they want to do is play screens all day. Partner does force a walk in each day but they then spend hours and hours on screens and my kids want the same so o have to give in or it's cruel. And then my kids want screens all week unwe have step kids again. My kids turn their nose up at healthy stuff and quote sd when they do. It's affecting my kids and they are getting the attitude and I feel so mean pulling my kids up on it when they are literally copying what we just did but her dad is in the room and thinks what she did was fine.
step son age 11 falls asleep in the car on the way here every time. They don't have a proper bedtime. Ss is always grumpy and overtired because of it. They tell me they fall asleep sitting up in bed with iPads.
i e told my partner he has a duty to his kids to do the best for them and this is almost neglect in my opinion. Last weekend they were her I was very stern when they left. Said I can't take much more of this. I framed it as what is best for his kids rather than stop tainting mine with your shit parenting. He vehemently disagrees with me it's not anything like neglect. I will give another example- I found head lice on my son 10 days ago I told partner to pass on I do to birth mother as his kids need checking. He says he did. I asked if they have them he says he doetknow birth mum not told him. We have had the step kids 24 hours now and I e reminded him twice to check his kids he's not done it. Both these parents are failing the kids!
anyway what do I do? When they are not here my relationship is good. And if they were not influencing my kids I could get past it maybe but as it is I can't go on. How do you disingage? I can't ban step kids from the house or my partner won't see them! And he's not dealt with the issues because he is worried they won't want to come- once they went home early because birth mum was getting take away and we wouldn't get on.