You are here

hating my situation help!

Wife23's picture

Hi everyone new to the board so hi to all.Sorry to start with a moan but need to talk to people that understand.I have been with my partner 3 years he has 2 children ( 4 and 7 ) from his first marriage.I have 2 too,similar ages.My kids dad is not in their lives at all ( his choice )so theres no stress there,although sad its better that way.
My partners ex wife is a total nightmare,shes not a great mum,wouldn't say they are abused they are feed and clothes but sometimes she won't bath them for a week,awful stuff like that.She works full time and so my partners mother ( who I call my partners 2nd wife,me being the 3rd)picks them up from school feeds baths them etc.She argues she is not doing it as a favour to their mum but its a chance to see them.She does this everyday.Therefore my partner goes for his evening meal at his mums and sees his kids everyday,everyone is happy! the kids get to see their dad everyday,his mother gets to see her grand kids and make dinner and generally play the wife role,and the kids are happy.Am left feeling after 3 years of this what about me and my kids?he arrives here later in the evening exhasuted from work and already spent quality time with his kids and his mum,I just get an empty battery.Please do tell me if I am sounding selfish.My mother in law to be has intigated all this,her idea to pick the kids up,etc,so she still has her little family unit,but again what about me?we live just a little too far to travel to where my step kids live everyday and why should we,my kids want to come home and have dinner here and chill after school etc.This is just one thing,there are many others.
We recently ( me my 2 kids and him ) went away for the weekend as his own kids were already away on holiday with their mum and her partner.The first wife has said she is angry he went away without his kids! they were away anyway and can he not have a life with out them?.My partner will not stand up to her as he is scared she will use the kids and not let him see them anymore ( she is nasty so she could well do that,months going through court,etc ).So he doesnt stand up to her and often she asks for favours,whatever she says goes.If she wants to change her weekend of having the kids,then he will,etc.It feels like they are still together.I know they have to be in communication because of the kids but I just feel its too much and am really struggling to cope.
Am I being selfish?any advice please please xxxx

Kes's picture

You are certainly NOT being selfish- you are getting a raw deal and your partner, in my view, is expecting you to put up with an unreasonable situation. I don't understand why your partner has to go for his evening meal at his mother's every day - once or twice a week would be just about acceptable, but the status quo must mean you never get to eat together? That's not right.
Your partner needs to stand up to his ex and why the hell shouldn't you and he go away for a break without his kids? I have NEVER been on holiday with my SKIDS, and never intend to.A lot of men worry about losing their kids if they stand up to their exes, and indeed my DH's ex has denied him access to his girls some weekends to "punish" him for things she doesn't like. But they just have to deal with this, it is not convenient for the exes to lose their "free" weekends, so it doesn't generally last long. My DH was very subservient to the BM when we were first together, but now has got MUCH more assertive, his relationship with his daughters hasn't suffered at all, if anything it has benefited from him standing up for himself. Who wants a pussy whipped man for a father? I hope you will start making him acknowledge your needs, then maybe he will follow your example and become more assertive with his ex.

Wife23's picture

Hi Kes

Thanks for the message,appriciate the advice.The difficult thing is he goes to his mothers to see his kids every week day evening as they are there until their mother picks them up.His arguement is if he didn't go he wouldn't see his kids,and I do understand that,have always said kids come first,but still am left feeling very much left out.Other little things like when I see his mother her main topic of conversation is the first wife what a b*tch she is,details of what she has said done that week,how rude is that?I say nothing as I don't want to fall out with her,but now I prefer to avoid seeing her.Am not interested in what the 1st wife is doing or how bad she is,its for 5 minutes but she goes on and on everytime I see her.She tells me how her and my partner understand the 1st wife and they both know what will happen,like he is her husband.She also on a recent outing walked around to show off her own gran kids to family and friends while myself and my 2 kids watched from a distance,ha,does she know how rude and hurtful that is?ok mine will never be her gran kids but don't do it right in my face.I could go on and on........

you_and_me's picture

That's not fair at all... I agree that every night is too much, he should cut down to about once a week. And if BM isn't spending time with them on her days, go to court and change the custody agreement. Then they will be at YOUR house and he can spend time with them AND your children, and you can ALL eat dinner together and maybe MIL will be invited over once in a while.

shielded2009's picture

Sounds like you have a mama's boy...You're not being unreasonable at all...

Mama's boys can be the worst...

GL