Opinions on BM's rules
I need some clarity, if you don't mind. BM is a rabid control freak, and terrified that the children might like me. Mine are grown, and I love the SKs, but I don't need to be their mom.
Two things that bug me:
* In the divorce agreement, it says that the other parent must approve anyone who is driving the children besides the parent who has them at the time. She won't approve me -- not for any good reason (no tickets, no accidents, safe car, etc) other than she can.
* She also told the kids they were never allowed to be alone with me. That refers again to the agreement, which says (clearly, you know who wrote this up) that any time the parent with the kids wants to leave them with anyone else (even for 10 minutes), the other parent has to have the option to come to the house and take them during that period.
What bugs me most about that is that she said it directly to the kids, who are wise beyond their years and now are afraid to open their mouth about me in front of her.
Any thoughts? I'm torn between insisting DH put up a battle for me to "be approved," or disengaging and disappearing during his weekends so I don't have to get involved with it all.
Hope that makes sense, and hope you can tell me if I'm nuts, LOL. Thank you!
These kind of clauses make
These kind of clauses make things difficult. Your dh should probably try to have his co modified. If he is a competent father...his judgement on who drives should not need to be questioned.
The other issue...she cannot say you cant be slone... all he has to do is comply and I would do it often. Call her when he walks the dog. Call her when he runs to the store for milk. Call her when he goes to the gym...she must pick up and drop them back off when he is home again... believe me... she will tire of that game
I agree with esmods comment above
hubby please buy milk, hubby top up fuel for the car, hubby go to the bank to withdraw money, hubby buy bread, hubby walk the dog, hubby go to the butcher etc... this is such a stupid clause and its nothing more than designed to give bio mum power over the father.
Has bm ever done the above by calling hubbyto pick up kids if she left kids with someone not approved by hubby?
The OP says the agreement says the BM must be given the option
She is not required to do anything. This is common with ROFRs, although a 10 minute period is crazy, IMHO.
Why on earth did your husband
Why on earth did your husband agree to those terms?
Ludacris.
In the mean time...I would let the chips fall where they fall if dad wants to leave the house. LET BM pitch a shit fit.
I would re-read that court order for holes.
I wish I had 1.00 for ever time bm didnt follow the court order and NOTHING was done about it in court.
Why would you want to drive around SK ?
This is the agreement BF and BM made. Personally I see nothing wrong with it. He takes the SK with him when he goes out. That really is the way it should be. No one thinking they can do a recreation of a happy family.
Guest this applies to BM also. If she gets a SO, Your SO will think differently, you kind of know your place, You are not to mother the SK, you are not to go away with SK, as if you can’t be alone with SK you certainly can’t them to a bathroom. It up to you if you want to live this way, But you knew about this before you got involved, but now you want to change it.
These rules are stupid.
These rules are stupid.
I can see a Right of First Refusal clause for a few hours, but for 10 minutes?! What happens if your DH is out raking the lawn, do the kids have to stand right by him? Or if he goes next door to help the neighbor with his car, do they have to go with him, or go to BM's? How many feet away from him can they be before this clause is invoked?
Maybe you guys should use this clause:
"Hi, BM? I have to run to the store. Can you please come pick up the kids for a half hour and then bring them back? Thanks."
"Hi, BM? I have to go next door to feed the neighbor's cat. Can you please come pick up the kids and bring them back in 15 minutes? Thanks."
I sometimes picked up my SS at school, and I sometimes watched him for a few hours, and we weren't playing happy family. It's just like if he lived with his brother and he ran to the store - of course his brother could watch them for 45 minutes.
I say DH just does as he pleases - when BM takes it to court, he can ask to have it changed.
Why did he ever agree to this nonsense in the first place?
Those rules are ridiculous.
Those rules are ridiculous. Your husband needs to go back to court and have the order changed.
Does your DH wants this to
Does your DH wants this to change? Where does he stand?
I imagine if he felt this was a problem he would have already petitioned to modify.
Which leads me to say - let them have it.
Skids either go with DH or back to BM if he cannot be with them. And he does all driving. I would take this as a blessing. You have the perfect scenario. Free to do as you wish without any responsibility of skids as declared on paper!
Believe me they will get tired of this real quick. Our HCBM fought like hell to keep me uninvolved. So I gave it to her. Now she asks for help and my answer is always oh hell no. I'm busy, have plans or just plain don't feel like it! It's wonderful :)
Don't follow it. So many
Don't follow it. So many times we complain that the custody order is just an expensive sheet of toilet paper for all the good it does our DH's when the BM's are ignoring it. So let him ignore it. Don't call her when he has to run to the store. Don't tell her when you have to run them somewhere real quick. I'm not saying take them on a road trip by yourself or anything but don't drive yourself crazy trying to 100% follow these ridiculous rules. I can tell you that if your DH's ex has enough money to actually run him back to court over being in contempt for a 10 minute gas staion run, the judge is going to tell her how ridiculous those rules are. Call her bluff.
Or don't. LIke others have said, it actually exempts you from a lot of responsibility that you might think is you just helpful in the beginning. Just keep in mind if you make him fight for your right to carpool the kids or be left alone with them then he is going to use you as often as he can.
More thoughts
Thank you all for comments, they help tremendously!
He was the total guilt-ridden father dealing with an EXTREMELY controlling woman when the order was written. Even his lawyer told him he got screwed.
We talked about it last night. Honestly, I'm not dying to change the rules, but it's the lack of respect toward me that is an issue. He agrees. We will have them for several weeks at summer, and I'd like to be able to hang out with one kid doing an activity if he takes the other somewhere.
We can't do it and not tell, because they are fairly innocently clueless and might let it slip. Then all hell would break loose.
She does not have anyone in her life, and good luck finding another sucker. I like to joke with DH that we should set her up with my ex, it might actually work LOL.
Again, thanks for feedback.
Look on the bright side, you
Look on the bright side, you're completely off the hook and DH actually has to parent and drive his kids. Without knowing it BM has done you a huge favor by holding the father of her children accountable to take care of his own kids rather than dumping them on someone else. Your kids are grown and you get to enjoy skids while their actual parents are taking taking care of them. These kids really could be your "bonus" kids.
I agree with other posters that the CO wording is ridiculous and if DH wanted to push the issue he could get it changed. It would be a huge hassle, he'd have to petition the court to modify. He'd have to show cause and there'd likely have to be a trial which could cost thousands and thousands of dollars. You'd likely be drug into the middle of it since you are the interceding party. In the end it would just create more conflict with BM who would be breathing down your neck now rather than DH's.
Kids' ages
They are 9 and 10. I'm all for sort of disengaging -- and their dad really DOES do the parenting, driving etc, because he enjoys it and is a great dad. I'm just irritated that the mom planted the seed that I can't be trusted (though I think they're smart enough to know what's going on). But I'd like the option to do something with one or the other, or drive them if their dad gets in a bind, because I like hanging out with them. I think it's more my pride is hurt that she is so ugly about things.