I'd like to begin my disengagement journey tonight.
So I've been with my SO for about a year now, and she has a 5yr old daughter. Usually I don't mind watching her kid while she works from time to time but I'm really feeling like I'm tired of responsibility that isn't really mine. Here's the scenario from tonight into tomorrow...
I usually go to her apartment Friday nights and spend the weekend. Her daughter will be there. The expected plan is that my SO will leave for work tomorrow and I'll be with her kid all day until SO returns from work. Well, I really don't want to do that, maybe it's Friday night I want to have a couple beers and wake up on a Saturday morning unbothered by a 5yr old that wants to color at 7am. She's not mine, so I feel this isn't my responsibility. I want to tell my girl to drop her off at her mother's tonight and let them watch her while she works tomorrow. I feel this is going to stir the pot. But ultimately, I'm a boyfriend, not a babysitter.
How does the steptalk community think I should approach this without sounding harsh, or like she's your problem?
Here's where the issue will arise...her mother is going to tell her that it's her responsibility to put her daughter to sleep and not spend the night in her apartment with her boyfriend and yada yada yada. But my SO has a 7am start time, so what good is it to have her wake up and drop her kid off at her Mom's at 6am? I swear this dating a single mom business is such a PITA sometimes.
...and God forbid the kid's
...and God forbid the kid's own father was an option. That piece of shit Deadbeat Disney Dad only takes his own daughter on his days off from work. Must be nice!
It's not your responsibility,
It's not your responsibility, and don't set a precedent by giving in to it. Just be clear that you are not up for it and she will need to make other arrangements. The fact that your GF argues about it is not a good sign. AND, she's subtly threatening that she won't let you come over (ie, won't have sex with you) if you don't bend to her demands.
This "girl" is not a prize.
If you already know that she
If you already know that she is expecting this, you had better let her know pretty quick that you won't be watching the kid tomorrow. I take it she hasn't ASKED you to babysit? Rude.
There is nothing wrong with dropping the girl off at the grandmother's in the morning. Why should Grandma have to babysit tonight and tomorrow?
If you can't think of a nice way to just say that you aren't watching her, ask GF, "Are you dropping Jody off at your mom's tonight or in the morning?" or something like that.
If you think she already assumes that you are going to watch her, and you think she's going to be offended that you don't want to, it really doesn't matter how you go about it, she's going to be offended and it's going to be an uncomfortable conversation, either way. But, it needs to happen.
Asking her if she's dropping
Asking her if she's dropping her daughter off in the morning is actually how I got the ball rolling last night.
What would GF do if you were
What would GF do if you were not in the picture?
It's not unreasonable for grandma to ask to only have the child while the mom is working and not overnight. Yes, it's more work for mom to leave earlier and drop off in the morning, but it's what many parents do. If drop off is before seven, she can drop the kid off in pajamas with a bag with clothing. The child can eat breakfast with gramdma.
It's not unreasonable for you to not want to be pseudo parent every weekend.
If you want to have beers on Friday night and wake up late, perhaps you should not be staying over at your girlfriend's.
The expected plan is that my
The expected plan is that my SO will leave for work tomorrow and I'll be with her kid all day until SO returns from work. Well, I really don't want to do that.
There's no way around this but to just be honest with her. You already know she's going to get upset (although in my opinion she shouldn't) but tell her NOW so that she has ample time to make other arrangements. You are not the childs care taker and you shouldn't be obligated to feel like one, especialliy when you don't want to. If you don't shut this down NOW, it will continue. The child has her other parent available so that should be option.
Yes, you can disengage.
Yes, you can disengage.
But don't ignore the fact that you were in this jam in the first place with a woman you only knew a year. You need to set stronger boundaries from the outset because now you know...your girl is a taker and you weren't ready for someone for which taking is so natural. Without even realizing it, you ended up locked into an arrangement that you never would have agreed to if it had been laid out honestly in the beginning: "Hey, BF, how about you babysit my kid every Saturday while I work?" (Crickets.)
This woman will steamroll you if you don't learn to set boundaries with her.
And you might want to look at the quality of the woman you're dating too. She didn't know you very well when she left you with her kid. Does this woman have the sort of judgment a good parent has? I don't think so (remember how many kids are molested by boyfriends their mothers hardly knew).
Your girl isn't independent. She hasn't figured out how to manage her life as an adult. She's still putting herself first in the equation. Then will come her kid. Never mind you...she doesn't even put her kid first, so I'm not sure she's ready for prime time dating.
She's kind of a mess. You might want to take a break and give her time to get her shit together without leaning on you. She needs to adult sometime, right?
She didn't know you very well
She didn't know you very well when she left you with her kid.
And the other side of it, you being home all day alone with said kid, which can leave you open to accusations.
^^Absolutely^^
OP, you are opening yourself to a potential "shitshow" with this type of unsupervised, unpaid babysitting of a 5yr old girl. It can take just a whisper, a strange comment by the girl or Mom & CPS will be investigating you. Your life can be ruined by an unfounded accusation.
Just say "no" & go live your Saturday -- go have adventures. This is not your child nor responsibility.
If you choose to ignore this advice, invest in nanny cams to protect yourself.
Where is this coming from?
Where is this coming from? Lol when did I ever state she doesn't know me well enough to do this? This isn't the first post I've made where I've been met with both inappropriate and inaccurate accusations.
Looks like she is looking for a father not a BF
Your GF is looking to be a Happy Family with you, her and her daughter. She is looking for you to play father to her daughter because the one she had it with, is not going that . You have to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.
Where everything becomes your fault, it’s not the BF fault for not watching her, it is yours for not wanting to do it. It will always be your fault when you don’t buy her something , when you have to pay for a car. College, wedding because BF is short on cash. You will always be doing family vacations with the daughter, you will never have free time with your GF.
You need a heart to heart talk with GF, telling her you are not the father, you don’t want the roll of father , and see here that goes.
I'd just make an offhand
I'd just make an offhand comment about how much you're looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday... that you have some errands to run during the day but that you'll be back at your place by the time she gets off work, and to touch base once she's picked up her daughter from childcare... or that since you have errands tomorrow, does she prefer you get up and leave at the same time she does in the morning to go drop off her kid, or does she prefer you go home tonight?
Don't go over there
You can solve this immediately by not going over to spend the weekend. Maybe go over for the day on Sunday when they are both around.
Well, it’s not a lie. You’re
Well, it’s not a lie. You’re correct - she’s not your child and she should not be your responsibility EVERY Saturday. Your SO needs to hear and understand this, because depending on you just so she can skirt having to reach-out to her ex, or be subjected to her mother’s opinions and criticism doesn’t mean this is your responsibility to shoulder.
You DO realize your SO has a sweet deal going on with this set-up, right!? And that any pushback or refusal to play babysitter will most likely be met with an attitude, or even an ultimatum from her, right!?
Ask your SO what she would do if you weren’t in the picture and perhaps stop going over there on Friday with the intention of spending the weekend.
You need to work at being untouchable come the weekend. Especially if you work a M-F job. Are you not worthy or deserving of your weekends, to do as you wish, while your SO is at work? It sounds like your SO doesn’t think so...
If you’d like to begin your disengagement journey tonight, then refrain from going over to your SO’s apartment.
So I put my foot down and
So I put my foot down last night and like most said, I was met with opposition at first. I stated that I broke my ass all week at work and wanted to sleep in on my day off. After an exchange of words for about 15min she understood. Then we had dinner, some sex, and now here I am making this post from a lovely NJ beach. Totally unbothered by a child I didn't create.
Also this isn't a weekly
Also this isn't a weekly occurence for us. She usually brings her kid to her mother's house, but today was a super early start time, 6am, and didn't want to disturb her mother at that time. Which falls into the not my problem category. Ask the DDD - Deadbeat Disney Dad to watch his kid at 6am then.
In all honesty I could have done her the favor, it's not the end of the world and I do want to help my SO, but on my terms. I used this situation as a way to begin setting up boundaries for myself in this relationship and was successful in doing so because we did in fact have the "she's not my child" talk. I was able to express that I'll help and support her when I can, (this is in fact a relationship after all, not a battle) but also won't be a scapegoat.
I'm also realizing that on this site, if you don't mention EVERY SINGLE LAST FRICKIN DETAIL you get a lot of assumptions made and inaccuracies. Like Jesus people, learn to stick the OP's initial post and concern and not fly off the handle - all I asked was how to approach this and YES, indeed got a lot of good feedback here, so thanks for that! But there were comments made something to the effect of questioning her parenting skills and adulthood. Fact is, she's an awesome mother and owns an incredibly successful business. So please, enough with the unpleasantries already.
While we were dating my DW
While we were dating my DW worked two jobs, went to school and was raising her son. I was in school and working. She had day care for her son. I did not watch him.
When we were off of school and work the three of us were together.
I agree. You are the BF not the baby sitter. Be together, enjoy that time. Do not be her baby sitter. Once you marry of course things will be different. That will get different input.
At least it will be different form me.
Much appreciated. I'm
Much appreciated. I'm definitely willing to help out when and where I can. But it's gotta be on my terms. I've also got to keep in mind that my girl does see me as a potential step father and if I want to keep her I can't exactly suck at that. Ultimately we all knew what we are getting ourselves into when entering a baggage relationship, to a small degree anyway hahaha
Once I came to the conclusion
Once I came to the conclusion that I wanted to make a life with this incredible woman I was all in. I was dad to my SS. As it turned out, he is an only child in our family though he is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs. The three youngest are by two other baby mamas. While he always had a relationship with his BioDad and the SpermClan he was raised very differently from his three younger half sibs. And his outcome is extremely positive in comparrison.
Enjoy the dating and getting to know your SO and her child. If she is the one and you marry, you will have a foundation to build on.
Good luck.
You better define your relationship with SD now
if you want any type of relationship with GF what you do now is going to going to set how the rest of your life is going to be. She want the happy family where you are the father for her child. Since BF is not stepping up. It’s up to you to set what you want now. You can never change it once you start going it,