I Don’t Know How to Disengage
I am going to copy and paste parts of a post from a different forum because I am near ending my marriage over this.
I am a step-mom to two adult children. Neither work. Both are on welfare. Both treat their father terribly until they want something. The latest is Child Protective Services took my stepgrandchild away from one of my SD’s. Guess who showed up at our door wanting help? This SD has not called our house *once* in 5 years. Since her daughter was taken away she calls daily, often more than once. She would not let my husband see his granddaughter and now she and he are the best of friends. They go for hikes together and go for lunch. My husband is totally oblivious that she is using him. She calls and he goes scurrying off to do her bidding. She needs help moving. He goes to help. She wants groceries. He takes her and pays for them. She needs a ride. He gives her a ride. (Oh, I will add that she never says thank you. I ask my husband and the answer is always no.) How can my husband not see that she treated him like @#$& for 5 years, not even phoning when he almost died from a massive infection just a few weeks before her daughter was taken away? Now she needs him and now she is back in his life.
My husband is becoming pathetic. He grovels when it comes to his daughters. They scream and yell at him and blame him for everything wrong in their life. For instance, one is a vegan and she blames him because her teeth and hair are falling out. One time she missed a flight because she spent 4 hours (4 hours!) getting ready In our bathroom doing her hair and makeup. It was not my husband’s fault at all. He just drove her to the airport and she screamed and yelled at him. And guess who bought her another ticket? She was 29 when this happened. These girls never remember his birthday. They don’t call ever to see how he is. They say he is the worst dad ever. I want to add that the daughter that lost custody has anger issues and is known to police.
Anyway... I am venting.
I can’t take this anymore. My husband blames me and expects me to be the mature one. I am sickened by my SD but more sickened at who my husband has become since the day his daughter lost custody and needed help. I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I was enjoying my quiet life that had little chaos. Now every single day revolves around SD and her bidding.
I hate the person I have become. I have become mean and hateful. Jealous? Maybe. I’m angry and bitter. Every time the phone rings I am furious because it’s SD wanting something. Being angry like this is not who I am. Beyond this relationship I am kind and caring and practice Compassion and Forgiveness. Those two things are how I want to be remembered.
How can I disengage from this? How can I stop being angry? Or should I? Should I stand by and watch my husband be used and abused?
every one disengages in
every one disengages in different ways.
some back off all the way. some socialise with the adult skids. some arrange to be out while the skids are near.
it is up to you.
your dh is a big boy and he is choosing to be abused. hopefully one day he will wake up and find he does not want to be a doormat and money bag any more. maybe not.
you cant control what he does or thinks.
vent away. you are among many who can relate.
you are not jealous. you are bitter. there is a difference. you have a right to be angry.
only you can say when enough is enough. if dh is spending your joint income in his children that should help you decide.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I feel like a horrible person. Well, I am a horrible person when it comes to SD. It’s odd because before their joyous reunion husband was reading books on psychopaths because he thought she was one.
How to disengage? This is how
How to disengage? This is how I did it:
1 I came to this site and realised it wasn't just me-that there were so many in similar situations
2 I told my DH how I felt- that his relationship with his kids was no longer joint territory and that he had to see them without me being there.
3 I held on to friends, I went out with them, I visited my own family
4 I built my self esteem, I rebuilt my self respect
5 I gave it time- I'm not fully there yet -some days are more difficult than others, but my skids no longer figure in my life.
6 I do not ask DH about his kids, he tells me nothing- I do not need to know.
7 I gave up believing that my DH would ever be anything but a doormat to his kids... that's how I did it.
My husband would love it if I
My husband would love it if I stepped out of the picture. And that just makes me angrier because then he gets to keep having this bizarre relationship and I say nothing. No matter what, I lose.
# 7 popped out at me.
# 7 popped out at me. Obviously something I need to work on. Thank you.
My DH told me quite clearly
My DH told me quite clearly that he loves being a doormat and cash dispenser to his children- he just wants to keep them 'happy' and he made it quite clear to me that he doesn't like me interfering in this arrangement. I still earn my own money, own half of the house, and have savings. I had to accept his attitude- I can't change it. That is just the way it is.
More on how to disengage
It takes two people to form a relationship. Both parties must put positive effort into that relationship in order for it to form. When I realized that my stepson and his wife refused to participate in this process, (it took me 6 years of banging my head against the wall with them both while talking with my therapist as nothing was working, and in fact, it got worse...) I had a very calm conversation with my husband. I simply told him that I had decided that my campaign to create a positive relationship with his stepson and wife was futile, that my efforts had been met with nothing but sarcasm, disdain and rudeness...and that I was done. I wanted no part of a confrontation, but that I was disengaging from his SS and wife. They are not welcome in our home or vacation home, I will not visit them at their home (distant state), I will not purchase, wrap and send gifts or cards to them on holidays and birthdays (it's on him to do it now), and while I will attend family gathering where they may be present, I will do my best to limit my interactions to polite acknowledgements that they are present but little more: hello, goodbye, nice to see you, excuse me as I move past them, etc. I speak when spoken to, I am polite and kind, but nothing more. No scrambling to gain their favor, no engaging in arguments that they try to instigate with me. I smile and I walk away. I don't answer the phone if they call. I don't respond to nasty things they do or say. If others comment on the obvious lack of a connection between us I simply respond "yes, it is sad that X and Y don't seem to want a positive relationship with me, but it is their choice." End of conversation.
How has this worked? It was rough the first year, but I'm in year 13 now and I must say it has worked like a charm, long term. My husband seems relieved because there is no conflict with this strategy. If he wants to visit them (he has only once, but I encourage him to do so) he may. The beauty of this approach is that it allows me to take the high road. I do not fight with them, which means the conflict evaporates for my husband and I. My husband has not ever addressed all this with his son and daughter in law, but they are smart people. They have gotten the message, although it would be nice if my husband could address it head on. He won't.
So we are in a place of their own choosing/creation. It's probably too late to mend fences with them now, because the trust is gone, but we wish them well. What I don't want is to allow these two to provoke hate, resentment, frustration, pain, and neurotic longing in me! Others can only do that if you give them the power by continuing to engage with them. When I stopped trying, it really disarmed them. They, too, seemed to have moved on.
By the way, the bulk of our substantial assets came from me, most-despised-stepmom, and those assets will be left to people who love us both and choose to have a positive, active role in our lives. Checkmate.
If you haven't tried couples
If you haven't tried couples counseling already, it may be an option...at least for your issues with your husband. Before we got married, DH and I went to counseling - due to issues with BM. At one point, the counselor said to me - in front of DH - his always giving in to BM must make you think less of him. And I said, "yes, it kind of does." She said it in a non-confrontational way and followed it up with a discussion of boundaries, but it might help for a neutral third party to point out to your husband that he's allowing his guilt over his children undermine your relationship and blaming you for problems that he and his ex wife have created.
As far as disengaging, my stepkids are younger and I haven't totally disengaged, yet, but I basically don't take a huge interest in them. If they ask me for help, I'll help, but I don't offer up help. I went to one football game this year because DH had a conference and couldn't take the kid, but I didn't go to other games and didn't even ask about them. I make small talk with them, but also go off and do my own thing when they're around.
I think your issue goes beyond disengaging though...it's hard to disengage from your husband reinforcing their bad behavior. That would drive anyone crazy. It will be difficult to make peace with not thinking less of him for accommodating them.
My husband would choose
My husband would choose divorce over counselling. His words. Not mine.
You hit the nail on the head though. He reinforces the behaviour.
And just in the time I wrote this SD called and she and husband are planning to spend tomorrow together. Again, no contact for 5 years because her dad “is the worst dad in the world” to this.
My god. I am so, so, so angry. Right now my husband is talking away to me and I just want to yell. How did this SD appear in our life and take everything over? I am actually putting in a request tomorrow to work Christmas because I can’t handle not being welcome in my own home.
I’m just going to go to bed so I don’t say anything I will regret.
be aware counselors and
be aware counselors and therapists see husband and wife as in an intact family and recommend putting the children first. unless the counselor knows about step issues its useless going into couples therapy.
Even when the children are
Even when the children are adults?
therapists with no training
therapists with no training in step issues will do this. very few therapists and counselors know how to deal with steps.
they presume that husband and wife are from an intact family. its hard to find a counselor with experience with steps unless he or she is a step parent himself.
Thought I'd post this here
Thought I'd post this here since it was mentioned on a different site re: disengaging: http://www.steptogether.org/help.html
I’m bringing my iPad to bed
I’m bringing my iPad to bed so I can read this. Thanks so much.
It is a great read! This
It is a great read! This line is spot-on: "There is nothing more frustrating as a wife then to watch your husband be emasculated by his own children. (Unless, perhaps, it’s watching him be emasculated by his ex wife.) You may feel that it’s the court system that’s put you in this position, and in many ways, you’re right. But once the children are under your roof and are on your time, you are in charge. You are still their father. You are still a man."
Disnegaging is not easy but
Disnegaging is not easy but one you made up your mind it gets easier day after day.
these woman are not living in your house, thus you have the right to set boundaries, they will never move in over and done with.
Sd's are not welcome at your house unless they respect you and behaves, DH is free to see them where and when ever he wants to, just not at your house.
You never say anything about them, nothing, you don't ask how they are doing or what's happening, they are not part of your life.
If DH talks to you about them, pretend to listen, smile, nod and say mmmm, that's nice, I see, Oh Husband you will know what to do...
see all empty words and after he told you something about the cows, and 3-5minutes passed change the subject.
Stop sitting around and wait for DH to please you, your happiness is your responsibility, if you planned something and suddenly DH backs out cause of his children, do not cancel your plans, do it all on your own or with friends, you do not have to put your life on hold because he's putting his life on hold for his daughters.
Separate finances, you pay your way and the rest of your money belongs to you, you do not support DH financially if he spends all his money on his adult children, and if DH can't afford going on holiday but you can... then he stays at home.
It will take about 6 months before you are set this way and by this time DH will realize his kids are using him and he will start paying attention again, through these 6 months he will blame you, he will tell you you do not like his daughters, do not get upset, DH is trying to manipulate you, you simply smile and say... Hon I had nothing to do with this do not blame me... or Hon, I've not caused you any stress do not take it out on me, I'm not your punching bag I'm your wife.... and on the you Hate my children - look him in the eye and say, No I don;t hate your daughters and I don't love them, I feel nothing, but I do hate their parents for not teaching them common decency and manners, ....
It takes practice. Whether or
It takes practice. Whether or not SD thanks him for a ride or not is of no concern to you, so don't ask about it. That kind of thing will be hard for a while, but it gets easier. The HARDEST thing for me was to stay quiet when DH's kids were mistreating him. But he knew it -- he was just willing to chase after the crumbs of their attention. Nothing I could do about it, so I worked hard to be able to ignore it. But when DH mistreated ME and took my companionship and financial stability for granted, that was a different story. Oh HELL no.
You also have a DH issue. As his spouse, you can and should have a conversation with him about how you feel. The trick is to NOT make it about SD. Make it about how HIS behavior affects YOU. "DH, when you cut our date short, I feel like you don't value our marriage." If his response is "but SD needs me" do not go down that path--keep it focused on how you feel when he does xyz. And, if he doesn't care how his behavior affects you then you don't have much of a marriage after all. And that gives you more information about what to do next.
I just want to thank all of
I just want to thank all of you again. Right now this site is my sanity.
I had long talks with
I had long talks with reality. The facts are sometimes difficult to accept. Begin with the facts and no matter how ugly they are, it is what it is. Get to the root of it all.
Next, read all the advice that has been given here, therefore, you will find what works for you.
Fairye has all the steps that I followed. Acratopotes has it right for sure in my case.
Disengagement for me took a long time, lots of patience, tears, and venting here on Steptalk. I set boundaries for myself, nobody else. I stick to them, I read here, and I vent here.
We are here for you and you will figure out the best way to disengage; do not expect for it to happen fast.
(((hugs)))
You are feeling all the feelings I felt. I hated myself for the hateful and mean person I had let myself become. You are the only person that can make it right with yourself. You owe it to yourself to become mentally healthy again.
You will eventually not care. Disengagement is like death and divorce, you experience grief; it has to be put in the "hands of time".
This is not the deal anyone
This is not the deal anyone agrees to when they marry. Your hopefully STBXH violates his commitment to you with his toxic spawn seemingly daily.
Rather than disengage I think that you should exercise the marital euthanasia option and rekey the locks the next time your non man of a husband runs off to subject himself to the abuse his waste of skin crotch turds pile onto him.
Make sure to have all of the assets locked up and the papers ready to serve.
smh
Good luck and take care of you.
Definitely
Developed your own interests and do things outside of the house. Sadly your DH is already married to his daughters they are his mini wives. We stepmoms are often nothing more than the laundress and maid. We almost always come second.
Let him continue to grovel at their feet; there may be a point where they go over the line and he begins to see the light. But don't stake your hopes in that--most don't.
Sadly it is mind-blowing the amount of respect you lose for your husband when they do this so that is why it is important to completely divert your attention elsewhere.
Hang In There! Here's what I did..
My situation isn't the same a yours, but pretty darn close! Here's what I did to disengage from 3 adult SD's (2 weeks ago)- and feel a whole lot better!
1. Make it a point to NOT be around them, whatever it takes. I told my husband in advance that's what I planned and why. Those kids were less than 1% of my "TV screen"- I let them take way more. Be cordial if you HAVE to be around the kids, but limit conversation it to "Hello", and/or "Goodbye"- nothing more. Find something else to do if they are in your presence. I personally have a friend to text when I am "stuck" around them and send her an SOS whenever I need to talk to someone or want to leave. Works out great
2. This is a fun one."Predict" what the kids will do next (how rude they will be, asking you to babysit when they never see you, etc). When it actually happens and your husband talks about it, just smile and shake your head. It's not your circus, not your monkeys.
3. I wouldn't leaave my husband because he's not like me- I married him, not the girls. He can do whatever he wants. The other 99% of my life is just fine.
Hope it helps!