Husband wants me to break stalemate
I disengaged from my 17 y/o SS two years ago. DH wants me to apologize for not talking to him. I feel like such an outsider and it hurts to be excluded from everything, so I'm contemplating a sit down with the boy, but I also don't think I have anything to apologize for and I don't believe he will be receptive to it. SS has stolen from me, drinks alcohol and smokes pot. He refused to come to our wedding. I just feel really unsure about whether I should break the silence or grieve the loss of never connecting with this kid. Our therapist doesn't think there's any hope of reaching him because he's got it in his head that I stole his daddy away from him. He wants 100% of his attention all the time which is just an unreasonable and unrealistic expectation. I just don't know if it's worth it to try to reconcile.
Just to split hairs.. I am
Just to split hairs.. I am assuming when you say "not talked to him".. you meant that you didn't "engage" with him when he came to the house.. but that you were not overtly rude and would respond if he spoke to you.
If that is the case.. you need to direct your DH to your therapist's opinion
Otherwise, the most I might say is
SS, I regret that we were not able to have a better relationship. I understand that it can be difficult to accept new people in our lives and changing circumstance. I wish it had gone more smoothly for both of us. But, as you are becoming an adult in your own right.. we are always free to try to relate on a different level.. as adults if you ever want that.
No, it reached a point where
No, it reached a point where I wasn't overtly rude but I did not respond when he would talk to me. Maybe I did this all wrong but for years I'd say good morning and ask about school and he'd ignore me, so I just started doing the same. He noticed and then tried to talk to me and I'd ignore him. I guess I'm not sure how to properly disengage.
The breaking point for me was
The breaking point for me was when he stole my engagement ring. It made me so angry I couldn't even look him in the face.
Was it ever 100% proven he
Was it ever 100% proven he stole it? or is it just an assumption because you don't think there is any other possibility?
I would have a hard time being nice to someone that stole from me.. and if he did steal something like that from you.. I am not sure why his father isn't more understanding of your disinterest in a relationship with his kid.
I will say, I think even with disengagement.. there should be civility.. in the home.. and as the "adult" I would maintain that.. though it might be a "cool" civility.. not warm.
I'm not sure I see why you
I'm not sure I see why you would have to be the one to make amends. Seems like your DH might just have to live in the middle between the two of you since he doesn't want to set reasonable expectations for his son.
One of my SSs is super disrespectful of me. I asked DH why it didn't bother him more...he said it did bother him, but he feels like he can't do much about it since they live primarily with BM (who is toxic and manipulative). He's not wrong, but he could still tell SS that acting that way is not okay.