How do I disengage from SD12 when DH has custody and she lives with us full time?
Long story short DH and I have lived together 9 years, married for 6. SD12 is total nightmare. She is currently home schooled via online learning due to emotional and behavioral issues at school. I work full time as a remote DBA from home. She is to the point she doesnt acknowledge me when I'm speaking and is 100% rude to me. I'm done. It has been causing me so much anxiety snd stress I am having physical symptoms. I dont know what else to do and when her dad and I brought up disengaging as a possible solution she immediately chose to not have a relationship with me over doing any type of work or therapy to help the situation. I don't know where to even start as we are literally around each other 95% of the time except EOWE when she visits her mom on fri and sat night. How can a child be so hateful if someone that has stepped up and cared for her when she was taken off of BM 6 years ago? I need to figure out how to disengage before I have a breakdown. I'm already having panic attacks from the stress and I see this as the only solution at this point.
Send her back to BM. End of
Send her back to BM. End of problem.
unfortunately this is not an option
Due to her BM's living situation, this is not an option for us currently.
What is BM's living situation
What is BM's living situation...?
she doesn't have a house of
she doesn't have a house of her own and lives with bf who doesn't want sd there
If you're the primary person
If you're the primary person at home with her every day, I'm not sure how you effectively disengage. He needs to find another solution that doesn't involve her being with you all day. I am very surprised that there is not some alternative school where she can go, or government services she can receive, even if it's a room at the school with a computer and an aide to watch over her while she does her online schooling. Is there any way you could work from an office instead of from home? I would get myself to my doctor and have the doctor order that this arrangement with SD end immediately to preserve your health. This is your DH's and the BM's problem, and you need to stop making it yours.
This is what I said on the
This is what I said on the last blog - there are other options. Find them. Don't take no for an answer. And why does a 12 year old get a choice in whether she goes to a special program or not?
We are looking into
We are looking into alternative schools for her. There is one not to far that specializes in AD/HD and behavioral problems, but she wouldn't be able to transition until after the winter break, so ~ 2.5 months. I had a sit down with my husband on Saturday morning and told him that this is what I need for my sanity. I can go work from my office, but mostly I work odd hours 4am-12 or 8pm-2am and I am not going to go into my office when I am not "working" just to not be with her. I am done with her learning coach job. Her dad can do that and deal with her not doing what she is supposed to do. What we've done so far:
1. Set her up a desk in her room where she can do her school work. She is to be in there during school day. She is to have herself up and ready and doing her stuff by 8am, use the bathroom in her room and basically leave me alone.
2. She has to prepare her lunch the night before and have it ready to grab out of the fridge when she has her break to eat. Don't ask me what to have, if she doesn't remember to stop and eat or prep her lunch it is not my problem. She and DH can deal with it.
3. I gave her her own laundry hamper for her dirty things. Her dad is going to manage that and she will be responsible for folding and putting away after he washes.
4. After her expressing she'd rather not have any sort of relationship with me, that is going to be how it is. She must follow the rules of the house or she wll have consequences from her father. Any benefits she had from me IE: me taking her to sports/library/starbucks trips before her counciling session etc are done. Her dad is going to do any/all that she needs.
Today is day one, so we will see how this works. Her father is very angry with her at the moment b/c of her selfishness and knows that this is going to be on him. I told him last night that it isn't about me not wanting to help him, but it has to be this way b/c I can't deal with her toxicity. I realize he is going to probably be upset and frustrated, but I told him that I have given all I can and it's either this or I am going to have to move out (and take my 4yo son away from her psychotic behavior)
Good for you! This sounds
Good for you! This sounds like a decent solution until she starts her new school. Not a long-term solution, however, so the new school definitely needs to happen. Way to stand up for yourself!
I know someone who sends her
I know someone who sends her daughter here. My exH and his wife are looking at sending her bio here as well.
https://www.calfarley.org/boysranch/
It isn't just for boys even though that is the name, it was just how it started. There are a lot of scholarships and grants. The one woman I know- who makes good $$ - only has to pay for plane tickets for breaks. All the tuition and living expenses are paid for.
Good for you, this sounds
Good for you, this sounds much better. If she gets in that school, 2.5 months will go quickly once you have an end in sight.
Frankly, she sounds like she could use this level of firmness and structure, and it's DH's job to give it.
Excellent. Now that it's his
Excellent. Now that it's his problem, he'll probably spend more time searching for a solution. I think what you've proposed is more than fair under the circumstances. I do hope you find an alternative school for her where someone might actually be able to help her.
OK. Let’s say you leave your DH
What will SD do, ??. Go back to BM, send her back to BM, Disengage means you don’t care what happens at BM, she the mother and all is good. Or hire a caregiver for SD and you find a job outside the home. Or send her to school
Her BM has no home. She has
Her BM has no home. She has been evicted like 5 times in the last 2 years. She currently lives with her new boyfriend who allows my SD to visit sometimes. Sometimes he doesn't want her there so she can't go. At any time BM is going to be kicked out b/c her boyfriend can't deal with her crazy and she will be on her ass again living with her dad in a 2 bedroom apartment. BM isn't an option and due to some involvement in CPS, SD isn't allowed to "live" with her. If I left my DH, he'd have to probably hire a nanny or babysitter to be here with her while he was at work. I love my job and it's a priviledge in my opinion to be able to work from home every day. I can be PTA mom, get my other kids from school, have all my laundry done and dinner made before 5pm, and I make good money it's not like I make minimum wage. Why should I give that up and "find another job" b/c of the actions of my SD? We are working on getting her into a special school so I am hoping come winter semsester that will happen. I am just looking for advice to disengage with her as much as possible and still live in the same house as her. We are looking and have been into all the options that everyone is suggesting. I am specifically asking on how to disengage as much as possible if anyone has experience with it. I really don't care what happens to SD, but I do care about my marriage and my 4yo son with my DH.
is she
in therapy right now to address some of the behaviorial and emotional issues? If she's not your dh needs to get her in right away. Disengaging when someone lives full time in your house is really hard. I had 4 teens in my house, 2 were his, 2 were mine. One of my sd's was a nightmare. Highly manipulative, mean etc. I finally had to disengage on certain things so that I would not go insane. She would say mean things and then put on an angel persona when dh was home. I disengaged by completely ignoring her pettiness and then she escalated. She started saying stuff about me around my kids. I told them to ignore and she just kept escalating. She ended up moving to bm's at age 17. Her life, her choices. I did the basics like make dinner, pickup from school etc, but I quit trying to have a relationship with her. She was such a mean person I decided there really wasn't a point in continuing to try to have a relationship because she did know what she was doing and there were 3 other teens in the house who are good people. needless to say she's just like crazy bm. Disengaging can be tailored to whatever will save your sanity. It can be on a small level so that you get a break or it can be on a larger level. Self care is important to, take that 15 minutes a day or more to do something good for yourself even if it's just a 15 minute break in your room by yourself with a cup of tea. It adds up.
Thanks for the advice. I
Thanks for the advice. I also have 3 other teens that are my bio kids in our home and my 4 year old son with my DH. They are all good kids and I hate they have to deal with her issues. She is in counciling and has been since 2011 when she was taken from her mother. She is just basically a selfish monster, sort of like her mother.
Wait, 7 years of counseling..
Wait, 7 years of counseling....Time to get a new counselor. She should be seen by a Child Psychologist.
2 years
She was in counciling for 2 years after taken from her mother, then she was ok for a bit and now has been since last September (2017) She does she a Physchologist.
I agree that looking for
I agree that looking for alternative schooling is the way to go. Some districts have behavioral problem facilities where kids who are chronic PITA problems are sent during the school day. Check your district for that option.
We have very good friends whose 12yo lives and goes to school at a remote state facility due to his behavioral issues both at home and at school. He has been there for over a year with zero home visits. His therapists have very regimented behavioral standards and therapy goals that he must meet before he will be allowed to even leave the facility for visits. It is heart breaking for them but they must protect their younger child and kids at school from their eldest son.
She is only a few years from being old enough for a Military Boarding school. Those schools are extremely good at driving behavioral compliance. There is nothing like having a kid in your face (under adult supervision) driving discipline when you step out of line and do not pull your weight.
DH needs to find another
DH needs to find another option for child care ASAP. You should not have to wait until Janury. She neds to go to work with him, find another family member to monitor her schooling. Hell, send her to day care. I would make it clear this is his problem. I'd leave the house each morning with your child until hetakes you seriously and makes arrangements. Take DS to the park, indoor playground, etc. I've worked from fast food places while my child enjoyed an afternoon.
simi fan......yup
simi fan......yup
Sometimes things are WAY
Sometimes things are WAY bigger than us. Time to put all decisions about where sd lives, SD education and therapies back squarely on the shoulders of her mom and dad. . You may have to get a job outside the home.
Please also ask yourself "why did I decide to take this burden on".....Why did I agree to oversee sd education?
GoodLuck and hang in there............glad you realize self care first!!
Yiiiiiikes....
First off, I feel for your situation. As a stepson from 17 years old and now 55 and we do get along (though it was rocky at first), I know that side - and in a stepdad role, I'm learning that side... I'm proof it can work if all parties involved WANT it to.
Your SD sounds like a very difficult one. I'm not sure I would have given her the option of no relationship just because of the complexities you're facing being in the same home with her so much of the time. That'd be just plain untenable, and kids need to know how to have healthy social interactions. But I'm not there, so it's completely not fair to say it's the wrong decision - so I won't. Maybe this is your last straw before sending her to The Young Marines.
https://www.youngmarines.com/find-a-unit.html
She needs someone to give her some realistic expectations and some consequences for the expectations, which I see you're working on. I'm hopeful it'll help, but believe you'll wind up sending her off to a military school or something along those lines, where they'll break down that facade she's putting on and get her to build strength from within.
Best of luck. Steppin' is usually a thankless job, and SKids usually don't ever appreciate awesome SParents till they feel the cold emptiness of The Disengagement.
"when her dad and I brought
"when her dad and I brought up disengaging as a possible solution she immediately chose to not have a relationship with me"
A 12 yr old child who already has emotional issues does not have the maturity to understand what an adult means when they are disengaging. Of course she withdrew from a relationship with you because she likely perceives disengaging as a form of abandonment. Should you have disengaged for your own santity? Absolutely, but this is where her father is supposed to pick up the slack rather than laying all the responsibility at the feet of his damaged child. The subject of disengaging should have stayed between the adults.
Allowing her to basically drop out of school at 12 is insane, What was DH thining?! If SD has ADHD and emotional problems how is she supposed to be self directed in her learning? There are many kids in public school that have ADHD and emotional issues, SD is not some anomoly. I feel for your situation but I also feel for this child who is surrounded by clueless adults who yanked her out of school then punished her for the situation they created.
As a parent her father should make an executive decision and put her back in public school since homeschooling, if you can call it that, is not working. He can re-enroll her tomorrow and then move her to the special school when a place opens up.
Same Deal Here!
I'm going through the same thing, same age, etc except we have 50/50. Disengagement has been a very challenging road for me but I think both my marriage and sanity will be saved. Recent things that help:
-Your time is your time. Read, go see a friend, pet the cat, etc. Establish your non family time boundaries as family time was a privilege that was taken advantage of.
-Think of SK like a tenant. Be cordial, expect they keep their surroundings clean and appropriate and that's all you have to give.
-Put emphasis on your marriage. Make it known to your hubby that you appreciate his fathering efforts and that you look forward to spending time as a married couple together.