How do I begin disengaging?!
I have two bio kids 17 and 20. My SD is 12 and an only child. We have an amazing relationship which I now realize is kind of a lot to take. I raised my kids as a stay at home mom but DH and BM let daycare raise SD. Initially SD was kind of a shit, lying, manipulating, and constantly getting in trouble at school so I squashed that behavior and it actually made us closer (poor kid WANTED an engaged parent and I gave it to her). Of course DH loved this but it has turned into (I'm sure you can guess it) I'm like the sole parent now. I feel like I'm constantly fighting to advocate for my SD but I also have to fight for DH to see when she's being an ass (DH is understanding but there's no real follow through). I'm literally tripping over SD every day, all day. She follows me everywhere/wants to be up my ass 24/7. SD is very respectful of my authority but only wants to socialize with adults and honestly......I don't want a 12 year old best friend. I feel an immense amount of guilt over this because I'm solely responsible for setting this expectation and yet I just want to be left alone! I have made many attempts to disengage only to be sucked back in because I don't want to sacrifice this beautiful little human that I truly love. So how do I find the balance of loving this child that isn't mine with allowing DH to parent (or not parent if that's what he chooses)?! AND how do I disengage without crushing this little girl?!
I sympathize. I have an
I sympathize. I have an excellent relationship with all my SKs, particularly my SD - but their constant presence is draining, and I'm looking forward to when they launch.
At 12 years old, she should be starting to detach from parents anyhow and gravitate towards friends and her own interests. That may be more difficult with Covid - but can you encourage her in more independent activities?
I've been trying to get her
I've been trying to get her to socialize with kids her own age, offering to have sleepovers, skating, bowling, anything! She wants to do all those things but with just me. Lol Best I've come up with is turning on an inappropriate movie so she has to go to another room to read ot draw.
You do have to accept and
You do have to accept and acknowledge that your husband is not a great parent. He was not an active parent before you were in the picture.. and he is not an active parent now. He will not magically step up to be an involved parent if you back away. So, that being said.... it sounds like your involvement in her life has improved her behavior.. made her more pleasant to have in your home. GREAT JOB. That is one thing I did want to do with my Skids.. helpt them become people that I would want to spend time with.. so that they would be the kind of people that others would want to have around.. so they would eventually leave..lol.
But, I get that you didn't realize that you were going to basically be a single parent in your home.. that your DH would just let you handle it all.. I also think that age and with COVID.. she probably is a bit bored and isolated.. and is clinging to you.. she sounds like her dad just won't engage with her much. But that doesn't mean you need to fill the entire gap... but it probably means that to an extent, you may have to help her figure out how to be a more independent person.
Can she get involved in scouting or some other group sport/activity that might take up a decent chunk of her time? It might also expand her social circle too.
You can also do things on your own that don't inolve her. You can do it nicely.. but get yourself out of the equation to force her to figure out how to entertain herself. Perhaps even get her some craft interests.. so she can work on that kind of stuff.
Disengagement is really a POV where you get that you accept you can't control or be responsible for another human. You stop giving them space in your head.. and let their bio parents parent. In this case.. you can do that.. but the risk is that she backslides into poor behavior and makes your home life more difficult.
In the end, I think it sounds like you care.. and if you do care.. that's ok.. just be realistic that you can't fix the world... help her where you can.. and kindly take the space for yourself when you need it. "sorry, hun, I'm trying to work on this project.. or Sorry SD.. I need to just sit here and relax in peace for a while.. can you go take the dog for a walk so I can chill out?"
Good advice - I had this
Good advice - I had this issue for a time with YSD. I was firm and straght with her - "I need to do X right now. Please give me some time. I will let you know when I am done." Or give her a task to do.
OP: To disengage, you can either do it all at once or start slow, adding an item now and then. Be clear and firm with your DH about what you are not doing and why and what he needs to start doing. I never used the term "disengage" with my husband as I know he doesn't like that term. But he gets it now I am far less stressed compared to years ago.
You're right and it makes me
You're right and it makes me sad. My DH is incredible, kind, and would give the shirt off his back to anyone (including his daughter) and yet.....won't actually parent her (especially with the hard stuff). I have to keep telling myself he's allowed to parent however he chooses, even if that means he's disengaged. Fighting to make him into the parent I think he should be could potentially ruin our marriage (and he's a great husband). Thank you for your advice. You have a very real and straight forward thought process. I'm going to start with being honest and telling SD that I need some alone time. I think it will hurt her feelings initially but when I come back calm and more patient I think she'll eventually understand. Also her virtual learning just started this week so I think it's a great opportunity for me to take a step back and not set the expectation that I'll automatically handle it.
Baby steps!
So based on your description, it kind of sounds like you're not trying to disengage completely like many of us do but to start placing boundaries so you don't have your skid drain the life out of you. I agree with comments above about trying to get her engaged in activities that will get her forming some peer social attachments. A lot of this should start happening more with her age/developmental stage, so she might do some of it on her own.
But also, given that you don't want to crush her, I'd start building in some you time. Have a night of the week that you hang out (irl or virtually) and/or have a time of day that you're off the clock. DH needs to know so he can step up (as he really should have been doing all along!) and doing more of bedtime or cleaning the kitchen with his kid while you have a glass of wine or read a book or whatever. But I'd pick one thing/day/time of day at first to start putting up a boundary on your time/involvement. And then build from there. Articulate that boundary kindly and often and while the transition might be slightly rocky for the three of you, stick with it!
Think of yourself as a loving
Think of yourself as a loving aunt, not a mother figure - that means you get to turn it off whenever you want. You don't have to meet her needs or parent her, you can just go do your own thing and leave the parenting to DH.
1st: Turn off your give a
1st: Turn off your give a shit about your SO's feelings and the feelings of his failed family progeny regarding your disengagement.
2nd: Focuson the behaviors that violate the standards you demand in your home and deliver misery to those who violate those standards.... including your SO.
3rd: Adopt the liberal use of the phrase "If you don't like how I parent and discipline then you can step up and get it done before I have to."
The 12yo is 12. She is not an adult. Treat her as a 12yo. She goes to her room during adult time and adult activities.
Keep it simple.
Just a thought and probably
Just a thought and probably not relevant at all but that comment that she doesn't want friends her own age and o lot wants to be with adults could be a sign of autism. I'm going through diagnosis for my son so it's on my mind and that just jumped out.