Full Time step mom with Dad on the road.
I am a full time step-mom to a 15yr old boy. His father has full custody, but he is on the road approx 4-5 day a week. Leaving me as his primary care giver. My problem is if I have any issues with my SS, I have no one. If I contact my husband the response I get is that he is XXX miles away. If I try to bring it up when he gets home he blames me for “not letting it go” or complains he isn’t going to punish his child the one day he’s home with him for something that happened days ago and is over with. So here I am. I have 2 children of my own. They are younger, but 95% of any chores are done by them, while he sits and plays video games. He doesn’t lash out at me for the most part but there is a constant tension where he lets me know with his body launguage that he is annoyed by my presence. It’s not just me though his own father when home is constantly arguing about the same attitude. Most recently I asked my husband to please take him with him, or let him stay with a friend or relative, just until he (my husband) is home. I simply do not want to be left alone with him and he tells me no. Flat out, no. That this is his home, he’s not going anywhere, but he leaves him with me. Then gets angry cussing me for being this terrible person, but I’ve tried for 6 years and I just can’t anymore. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally exhausting. Has anyone else had to deal with this? What is the opinion from ppl who aren’t emotionally invensted in one side or the other. Is it unreasonable to ask for him to not be left alone with me? My husband wants a divorce. Because he says I’m abandoning his son. Kicking him out of his home, but all I asked for was to not be left alone with him all week due to his child’s lack of respect for me. Is that an unreasonable request? I’m trying to disengage to save my own sanity, but should staying married be directly linked to whether or not I agree to be the sole parent to this child 5 days a week, because by getting a divorce he’s going to be doing the exact thing I asked for. Taking his son somewhere else while he is on the road.
Be thankful that he offered
Be thankful that he offered you a divorce. You have the opportunity to leave that horrible situation. I would leave and live on my own in peace. DH is never there anyway and the only reason you married was to spend time with DH, not his son. He just wanted a babysitter for his kid.
I think a lot of men with
I think a lot of men with custody of their children (full or part time) think that when they marry they are getting not only a wife but someone to perform the "mother" duties for their children. You know, the free cook, maid, taxi service, nanny, etc. This is especially true if the wife isn't working or is financially contributing less than the husband. To a man with this mindset, it is perfectly reasonable to expect you to handle everything with respect to his son while he's gone. Of course, since you view yourself as his wife, not just a free cook, maid, taxi service and nanny for his son, it is perfectly reasonable for you to expect him to find someone else to watch his disrespectful kid. You and your husband have very different expectations of what your roles and responsibilities are or should be. If he expects the "mother" duties from his wife, it makes perfect sense that he'd want to divorce you if you weren't willing to provide them. His request for a divorce if you "abandon" his son also lets you know exactly where you stand with him. Whether staying married *should* be directly linked to whether or not you agree to be the sole parent to his son 5 days a week is irrelevant. Obviously your husband thinks it is linked. It seems to me that, short of your husband having some epiphany, your choices are to watch the kid in his dad's absence or divorce your husband. I'm not saying that's how it should be, but that seems to be the line in the sand your husband has drawn. If he's willing to go for counseling, maybe you could reach some kind of compromise. That might be worth a shot.
I work full time. I pay at
I work full time. I pay at least half of all family expenses. From very early on I did everything. All kids played sports and I did all the running, dr appts, teacher conferences and well pretty much everything... but I just can’t anymore. The tension is too much. It’s like having an angry stranger (in the body of a grown man) staying in my house while refusing to help with anything related to the family. I just don’t know how to make any of this better other than to agree to keep ignoring it and at this time that’s not an option. For my own mental and emotional well being.
Put your husband on notice
Put your husband on notice that since he wants to only be good cop, you will become bad cop while he is gone. He can't have it both ways. Either he makes it clear to SS that he will back you up on behavior issues or SS goes elsewhere and you get divorced.
Shut down the WIFI, lose a power cord. Why can't you make arrangements with extended family or friend's parents to have him over?
I remember what it was like to have that 15yo cloud of doom in my home. How dare a 15SS think he is more important than the owner of the house? Grrrr....
Where's his mother in all of this?
That’s just it. I can make
That’s just it. I can make the plans. I’d be willing to make the calls, but it wouldn’t matter what the reason is... he’s convinced asking anyone to help me is abandoning his son. That I’m kicking him out of his house. Nearly every weekend there is some form of shouting match/ physical altercation between my husband and SS. So the arrogance and disrespect isn’t only targeted at me... and he only has 1 or 2 days a week around him. I am being left with him 5 days a week alone. Every day isn’t a bad day. Some days he is tolerable, but i literally dread coming home from work anymore.
The mother lives 5-10 minutes
The mother lives 5-10 minutes from us. She will ask to see him on Birthdays, holidays or he will go over there when he suddenly takes interest. Other times he will ignore her phone calls to the point she’s asking me when his ballgames are or asking me if his phone is working, but for the most part she could care less where he is or what he is doing as long as it requires nothing from her.
Have you considered callling
Have you considered callling the cops next time those two start fighting again?? If you warn them, you will have to follow thru and call them or you will lose any power you might gain from the drawing that line in the sand.
How does your husband explain abandoning son all week??? Its summer (here anyways) send the boy on an adventure with daddy. I'm pissed off for you!