Emotional disengagement from bad parenting
Hey all. I've have already disengaged physically from my sd, 10. Me and my bf now live apart, and I do zero parenting of sd. I will help if asked and plan a 2x a month family time w her and my kids but that's about it. I'm happier this way but here's my issue:
My bf is just a shitty parent in my eyes and that's not going to change. I know this. What's happening is that I'm now losing respect and love for him, because every time I see sd, I'm reminded of bf's bad choices.
I'm all for nacho kids and disengaging but how do you stop yourself from hating your partner when you DEEPLY disagree w his parenting, like in your soul.
As a mom of 2, and a life long educator, I feel like I just can't accept his bad choices and it's making me want to walk out, despite his other amazing qualities.
(cause I know you'll wonder: the kid is extremely picky, has poor hygiene and can't read/write and bf acts like everything is fine and normal when it's clearly not. He doesn't see any problem. I do, but can't make him see what I see or feel what I feel)
Is there anyway to stop hating him in my head ?
It's not hate
It's not hate you feel, its disrespect. In my own life, I've found that when I can't respect someone, like a boss or exHub, eventually I'm out of there.
Why would you want to dismiss
Why would you want to dismiss your new found knowledge about him? They are a package deal. Back away from the red flags.
Ha! It's not newfound.....we
Ha! It's not newfound.....we've been together 13 years
I think your disgust (not
I think your disgust (not hate) w/ his parenting has caused you to lose your respect for him and that's pretty normal. I also think you know what the future holds for your relationship w/ him and you will come to grips with it as it plays out.
What you're feeling is expected when his parenting is so poor. I think you know what you're going to end up doing, he may be a great guy but his shine is wearing off and you're seeing his lazy parenting clearly now.
His daughter is 10, you have
His daughter is 10, you have been together 13 years.. that math? means in addition to being a poor/lazy father, he also morally has some failings.. as in he had to have been sleeping with her mother while he was dating you. (not sure if they were married prior..or not).
That, in itself, would have given me the ICK a long time ago. So you can add that he has the propensity for being a cheater to his repetoire.
I'm not so much going to say you were to blame or complicit in the situation.. maybe you did not know? and you were not the one in a relationship with someone.. so while it may not be a wise move to date someone still in a relationship.. it's not as big of an issue.. you were not breaking a promise to another person.. but he did.
At this point, as a 10 year old.. it is getting harder and harder for you to make excuses.. to allow yourself to believe "oh.. kids mature at different rates.. she will catch up".. the loonger you are in it.. the more you see clearly where blame needs to fall.. and as someone with some experience.. you are having a harder and harder time mainaining your respect for him.
Maybe you need to lay it out on the table for him? tell him how unnatractive it is making him to you.. and if he won't work on improving.. HIS behavior.. your relationship is likely to be over very soon.
Per a previous blog, they
Per a previous blog, they were in a polyamorous relationship.
ahhh.. ok... i didn't go back
ahhh.. ok... i didn't go back and reread.. thanks!
That being said.. the part about the respect.. and the fact that it has gone so far down the line without him taking any meaningful options.. would make me have a hard time staying.. she does have other kids.. so it's not like his daughter is the only one and she isn't balancing that too.
I know the feeling
I know the feeling unfortunately all too well
They different parenting styles, the unchecked behaviors of the step kids, the closet contempt that builds up over time, etc
How do you stop hating them in your head? Well you'll have to start looking at the GOOD things they do instead. Start speaking positively about them.
Now, if the annoying behaviors they display are just too much it may be a sign you're just not compatible
You have two choices.....
If you stay with him you have to change the way you think about them (see if he's willing to join you in couples / family therapy). If you don't want to change your beliefs about them then you must leave so you don't drive yourself up the wall with daily annoyance and contempt.
Why is a shitty parent tolerated to be your BF?
Why do you pollute the lives of your own childrne by exposing them to this trianwreck parent and his toxic failed family progeny? Even if only 2x per month.
smh