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Disengaging being seen as Codependency?

morrginme's picture
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Recently I got a message from BM's father. He was wanting to know if I would be interested in having some meetings with him. I must say he is a great guy. He was the Pastor that married me and DH. Maybe weird to some, but he really is a good person and he makes you feel good about yourself when you are around him. So when he asked to have meetings with him because SD is having some trouble from what she has told him and he thought we could talk about blended family issues I might be having. I agreed to it. I would love to have someone to discuss things with who has experience with blended families, a man of God, and someone who wants to help. Then I had to stop. When SD is mad she loves to go to other people and tell lies about the horrible things me and her dad supposedly do in the way we treat her and most especially me. SD's grandfather while being a good man and most likely means well doesn't have the best record with blended families himself. His first wife died of cancer leaving him with 5 daughters. He's been divorced since then about 3x. His daughter's including BM are not doing so good and still exhibit attitudes and behavior against stepparents. I started thinking this might not be a good idea. SD is directly related to him and relatedness does matter from what I've read and seen. SD has already filled his head with "her story" of what has actually happened and had been said.  Past history of these situations has consistently put me in the position of others seeing me as "guilty" of all the things SD has told them. Lastly I realized I was the only asked to go to these "meetings". What about SD? What about DH? Why aren't they having meetings about our blended family issues and the feelings SD has? So I then had to take it back and respectfully decline. I explained to him about my disengaging because it's better for me to stay low and leave it up to her dad because if I am involved everything goes crazy and I get the worst of it from SD and DH. Then he started to tell me about codependency and dropped off the book about codependency. I appreciate his concern and wanting to help but I wish he could see that this issue doesn't rest entirely upon my head. I'm not going to take responsibilty for everything just because of my position in the family and because of what SD says about me.

fairyo's picture

Years ago I went to counselling because I was having problems with my son- the woman I saw said straight away that it must be co-dependency and told me to go away and read some books about it. She knew nothing about my relationship with my son and didn't even give me the chance to tell her anything. 

I think some people just like nice tidy labels so they give nice tidy answers- but steplife is far from nice and tidy and sometimes extremely messy. Although you have nice things to say about this guy he has been divorced three times? He doesn't strike me as someone who should go dishing out advice...

morrginme's picture

I'm sorry you had to go through that with a counselor. You were looking for help and basically told the problem is entirely you and it can be solved with a book that doesn't apply. I've had similar experiences.

I agree he isn't the most qualified. I told him I would prefer and feel it would be best to have blended family issue discussions with someone who doesn't have an emotional investment with anyone involved.

Survivingstephell's picture

So am I.  An example of co-dependency is one spouse making life easy for the alcoholic other one.  One cannot remain dysfunctional without the other.  

Disengagement pulls the rug from underneath that dynamic.  Melodie Beatty is the go to author on Co-dependency.  Get a hold of one of her books before believing the Pastor who's been divorced that many times.  

scook10's picture

Yes, yes and YES!!! Melody Beattie is great. Detachment is the opposite of codependency. Pastor means well I'm sure, but is misinformed. 

Maxwell09's picture

I get it. He is hearing what the SD is saying and taking it for truth. From her perspective, you deferring everything skid related back to your DH, comes across as co-dependency. Think of it this way, she comes up to you in the kitchen asking to go sleep at a friend's house so you, disengaged, send her to her dad. She runs to grandpa talking about how you can't (won't) make your own decisions without your DH. If you are truly disnegaged I assume that you don't take her places on your own but he does and you either ride along or not. She probably reported this back to grandpa as you don't go anywhere by yourself. If she is just over on the weekends when you and DH are off and spending time together then yeah, she describes you as co-dependent and he is interpretting and trying to help based on those descriptions. I have always been of the mindset that if the child is old enough to understand disengagement then you should tell them upfront what you are doing in the beginning and why of course using their appropriate languages. You could give him his book back and in turn drop off a book about disengagement with highlighted passages on how to deal with mini-wives and unruly children. Keep in mind he is probably a tradional older man who believes all women are nurturer and are responsible for child rearing and absolutely loving SD and he's probably never even heard of disengagment hence the 3 failed marriages. 

marblefawn's picture

Well, in fairness, you don't know what her grandfather would have said to you.

But regardless, it's funny to me a thrice divorced man is offering marriage/stepparenting advice!

You've made your decision to step back and it's perfectly fair (and probably quite smart) not to go there with him.

And anyway, if he's giving you a book on codependency, I'm not sure he's the best one to be offering advice -- I don't get the connection between codependency and you in this situation!

morrginme's picture

He had contacted me about getting together to talk after an argument I'd had with SD. I replied to him that it's best if I just lay low and ignore it because if I say anything then everything explodes and I'm the one who is blamed for it all. That's probably how he got the idea of codependency.

Rags's picture

If he is not a trained therapist then his status as a pastor and counselor should be limited to spiritual issues and not family issues IMHO.

I think that you made the right call on declining the BM's father's approach to advise you on this.  Find a licensed therapist that specializes in blended families.

As for the book on codependency... when I was seeing my therapist during and after my divorce she assigned the book Codependent No More.  It was a very helpful read for me at the time.  I liked it because with her help it guided me through moving on and regaining touch with the Rags I like being. I lost that during my marriage to my toxic cavern crotched whore of an XW.  Not that I have any remaining issues or anything..... 28 years post divorce.... Blush

sammigirl's picture

You didn't mention if your DH knows about his request for a meeting and the fact that he dropped off the book.  I would give the book to your DH and tell your DH that SD's grandfather came by and dropped this off for you.  Then I would tell BM's father, that you appreciate his concern and that you did see that your DH received the book.  

Stay strong on your disengagement.  I found that family has a tough time letting you disengage, because the game is ended, when you no longer play it.  I totally disengaged six years ago and I still get some of this. 

Each time it is directed to you, give it to your DH and SD.  Hang in there and stay here for support. 

((((hugs))))