Toxic ex has no idea what good I do, spouse isn't helping
In short - five years of hateful manipulation, boundary crossing, step-parental alienation and slander later... she toned it down for a little while but is now ramping it back up, stronger than ever before. We know that the man she cheated with and married is turning out to be a buyer's remorse situation and that a lot of unhealthy things are happening in their household. Alas, he's a big local name/attorney and everything goes. I mean this family truly lives in a glass house, and throws a LOT of stones.
So. I have been married to my husband for five years. Our marriage was rocky for a while, not least because I had terrible (no) coping skills in dealing with the ex or the fallout with the children. After some bad times, we as individuals and as a mairred unit seem to have learned enough to live and love much more effectively. We're doing pretty well. I personally have had some big achievements recently, a year after hitting personal rock bottom and barely surviving it. I think it's possible that my recovery and some public level of success has exacerbated the ex wife's disinclination toward her own marriage. From what we know, it's taken a huge nose dive the past couple of years. The kids are the ones ever confused and the oldest is really having significant problems. I truly love her, but this is another topic. Anyway...
So, off and on I've been the breadwinner for our blended family. Currently, I am. I bought a house, pay the bills, and also know this is soon to change due to some great news for my husband in his career. My point is that the income has allowed me to buy the house, but to do a lot more with my stepkids than I already was doing. We have always done stuff together, but now I can do for them what he currently can't.
The ex is in complete meltdown mode most of the time, and attacks me mostly on my level of involvement with their children. I do think it's possible she is projecting, as she TRULY does very little with her own kids, and according to the one or two times they've weighed in about her to their father, she gets quite angry to hear if they have had any kind of good time with me. So, they probably don't say much good anymore, I don't know. I just know that I feel like my husband is happy not to clarify much to his ex.
I feel like he's doing the right thing by not engaging with her bullshit. It's a smarter move than I made in the beginning when her craziness was a first in my life. I reacted badly. Anyway, I don't anymore. I'm ignoring her. But my issue is with my husband, whom isn't doing anything to dispel her notion that I'm a do-nothing, no-good terrible stepmother with no place at everyone else's table. She constantly singles me out as the problem, and is really inclusive (creepily so) with/of my husband, even as she is ripping him a new one. I know, it's weird and hard to understand.
I know it's petty but I want a little credit. I know I need to keep doing what I'm doing - work on me, be the best parent/step parent I can be, give the kids all a safe and secure space... but man, I feel like I am truly the ONLY one in their lives providing this! And my husband, whom I adore and adores me, is possibly to prideful to let the ex know I step up to the plate PLENTY. I understand he might not want to admit I'm the one who provided a lot of what in his role, he traditionally would be expected to. I'm a little resentful about it myself, and I think he really resents it. Ok, that's our problem to sort out. But is there a solution to my feeling of betrayal that he's, in essence, taking the credit and letting her rip me apart? Of course he has to "let" her because he can't control her, so poor choice of words. But is it unreasonable to expect for the ex wife to be given SOME clarity on what I do for the kids and the family? Or is this just part of him saying as little as possibe?
With an EX like that.. it
With an EX like that.. it would not matter. He is better off giving her as little insight as possible into your home and financial situation.
I also was a often the primary financier of our household.. and had more at my disposal to do nice things for his kids when they were younger.
His EX knew when I did these nice things and punished the kids in some ways for me having done something nice.. bought nice clothes or something.
It actually was less of an issue when she got the impression that he was more the one doing it.. and I think her girls learned to not say much because it set their mom "off" and they had to deal with her tantrumming.
The person who owes you the thanks and recognition in this is your DH.. he should be in a heartfelt way thanking you for taking care of his kids.. for helping him care for them like that.
the kids don't even owe a specific thanks for their general upkeep.. (do you remember thanking your parents at 9 yo for having a roof over your heads? me neither). Those kinds of gratitudes generally may come later if the adult child realizes that you did not have to do things for them... but did anyway. Both my Skids have expressed as adults that they appreciated what I did for them. but in the moment? they are kids.. they expect a meal on their plate at dinner.. lol. Of course.. thanks for presents.. gifts.. or special treat? that's different.
But.. again.. your DH's EX is threatened by you.. she probably does know you do more than you need to.. and it bugs her.. so she trash talks you down. Again.. she is not ever going to give you the props you deserve here.. and her getting clarity into your home will onlly bring more problems.
So.. I get why and agree with your DH not saying anything.. other than a general defense.. "My wife is good to our children and cares for them".. if he has to say anything.
Does your husband recognize
Does your husband recognize and acknowledge what you do for him and his kids? If the answer is yes, I'd take that as a win. If no, you have a husband problem. Ignore his ex. She's irrelevant, and the less he talks to her, the better. There's no point in him defending you and telling her how much you're doing for the kids - if anything it will ramp up her crazy. You know what she's saying about you isn't true, so give it the attention it deserves - NONE. You don't need "credit" from her, because she doesn't matter.
The bigger issue is your husband. You should not be the only one providing a safe and secure space for his children. That is their parents' job. If we're talking attention and emotional security, your husband should be providing that. If what you mean by that is that you're financing everything, that's different, and I'd like to know WHY you're the sole provider.
Just know that if you're in this for the credit, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Stepchildren are notorious for not appreciating what stepparents do for them and for turning on stepparents who have treated them like their own. I love my stepchildren, and I've done a lot for them, but I view everything I do for them as something I'm doing for my husband, not the children. Every bit of work and responsibility for the children that I take from him is a favor to him. I expect HIM to appreciate it and show his appreciation. I don't expect a whole lot from his children, because I don't want to be disappointed. So far, all is well, but I've seen and heard enough from others to know that things could change on a dime.
Clarity for my mate's X would be my fondest hobby.
As directly, legally brutal, financially brutal, and socially brutal as I could make it.
They would live with their noses being scrubbed into the stench of their idiot choices .
They would be in court answering a contempt motion for any sliver of deviation from the CO, they would have their neighbors, their work, their family gatherings, their church gatherings addressed with LEOs collecting the SKid when they failed to return them per the visitation schedule.
My Skid's spermclan lived these consequences because they repeatedly chose to lie, manipulate, attempt to PAS the Skid, and otherwise be toxic asshats. SS was introduced to the facts in an age appropriate manner when he was in the older single digit ages. As he progressed into his teens and their toxic crap continued, he was presented with a review of the CO, the supplemental county rules, the state regulations, the call logs/journals, court record recordings, telephone conversation recordings, recordings of the ranting insane answering machine tapes, arrest records, divorce records (though the Spermidiot still claims to have never married), etc... As their crap escalated as they manipulated him during SpermClan visitations, he would come home and dive into our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinet drawers when what they were saying and doing did not pass the smell test.
They hated that he knew the facts. Eventually they learned to not pull their crap... at least until their idiot flare ups would resurface and we had to smack them about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of the CO in front of a Judge.
Kids need the facts to protect themselves from a toxic parent. One just like your SO's X.
Go for her throat, force the kids to learn the facts.
I would.... my wife and I did. Now our son has no issues protecting himself from them as an adult. Though it breaks my heart that he has to protect himself from people who are supposed to be some of those that he loves and that are supposed to love him
.
We are proud of the man we raised.
The combative and outraged
The combative and outraged part of me is so pleasantly surprised with this reply. Almost nobody attempts or suggests an aggressive approach - yes, it is unpleasant. But, so is messing with kids. What happened to fighting tooth and nail to defend them? If not for me, then for them, ya know?
In another pleasantly surprising turn of events, my husband - in addition to showing far more than adequate appreciation of me - has gone to bat for me with them. I don't think he went aggressive, but he went. It's a slippery slope for him, as the BM is married not only to an attorney who is a big name in our town, but is a notoriously dirty fighter and whom is alternately emotionally horrible and financially generous to his show family (the BM and three children she had with DH before cheating on him with said atty). The BM is now (or continuing?) to perpetuate questions, or assertions, about paternity of youngest of my SDs. Though acknowledging that the atty is the father is also acknowledging an ongoing affair, it seems worth it to her. She's discussing this with the oldest of my SKs, which seems perilously close to hurting the sweet and lovely little 8yo SD whom the question is about. To my knowledge no proof of paternity exists nor does it matter - except that BM went to my MIL, her ex MIL/my DH's sweet mother, and told her that I told my youngest SD that "nobody knows who her father is."
This is not the most disgusting thing she's done; there's a cornucopia. Much of her vitriol, in guise of caring, has been posted to her instagram and publicly disparages me on multiple fronts. Five years of total insanity, public humiliation, step- and parental alienation... and since it's pretty much a David and Goliath kinda deal, our hands are tied. We do our best to just show love with the kids, and in the case of the oldest SD who continues getting roped into the psycho's nefarious intent, a little bit of truth when instigated by BM.
Anyway, thank you!!!!
This is a tough one.
Have you considered a paternity test and if it comes back that DH is not the BioDad, adding that to the facts? All of the daughters should already know that mommy is an adulterous whore. Paternity is a critical fact that SD-8 should have and her elder sisters should have to help them build their ability to counter the lies and toxicity their BM and Cheat/Step daddy are plying.
The Spermidiot was cheating on DW while SS was a baby. That is why DW kicked him to the curb.
SS knows it all. It was in the court recording from the 8hr custody/etc... He has listened to it several times over the years in response to SpermClan lies and manipulations. He trusts his mom and I because he knows we tell him the truth. He also knows that we tell him the truth even though we worry it will be painful for him. Because we are there for him as he works through how knowing the facts uncovers more SpermClan lies.
I hope for you that the
I hope for you that the financial and emotional investments in other ppls kids are worth it. Both bioparents seem disengaged while you are out there providing....
The meltdown of BM is a cover up for her own inadequacies ("look at her she is trying to take my place as a mother!!" but if you didnt, she still wouldnt be doing what you do) and your husband is happy to delegate providing and parenting to you while he lives the life you should have... he really has it made with you
I hope for you that the tides dont turn like they often do and you dont find yourself at the mercy of ungrateful steps and lazy parents....
Wanting credit...
I am right there with you...
SO and I had to talk about how this would be a thankless job for me. SO has let me know as often as possible how thankful he is for what I do for skids. I love them and they are great, but sometimes I dream that they would acknowledge my effort. It'll never happen because they don't want to betray BM, but I can dream. BM sent SO a text several (maybe 4?) years ago thanking me for taking good care of her kids when they were with us. Things have gone south since then so she doesn't say anything about me anymore.
I am also the higher earner out of the two of us, but SO puts in a fair share. He took a lower paying job because it best fit a schedule that would allow him to pick up his kids after school. I am definitely okay with that. BM has pretty much let the skids know that she doesn't want to hear about anything they do with SO or me. We don't do anything too extravagant with them but I think it has more to do with the fact that we spend time with them at all. Stepdad also doesn't contribute to the care of skids, sadly, so there is a stark difference between the support in each household. BM and Stepdad are taking care of 5-6 kids and 2 dogs at any given time when skids are with them.
BM and Stepdad both work and are presumably low income, with 6 kids between them, 3 of whom are SO's. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment and receive food stamps. I am not listing these facts to degrade her, but to show the status of where her life is at now. SO has bumped into one of her BIL before and they have stated that they feel sorry for skids because they are stuck inside all day and they try to invite them for sleep overs with skid's cousins just to get them out for a night. They also stated that BM and stepdad live above their means, trying to appear stylish or wealthy when they are clearly not.
Let ex be miserable in whatever way she thinks of you. You can't talk sense into crazy. SO probably just wants minimal interaction. It would be pointless for him to try and explain anything to her if her mind is already made up. If anything, letting her know that you do more would probably make her more upset and jealous (unless that's the goal). As long as DH and the skids realize how great you are, that should be enough.