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BM micro managing everything!

Bib93's picture
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Hi Everyone- 

This forum has helped me SO much. There are so many times I have felt defeated or just at a total loss for what to do. So thank you!  I’ll get straight to my issue because it is just gnawing at me (and my husband). 
I have a 3 year old little girl. And a 9 year old step daughter and 5 year old step son. Honestly I hit the lottery. My husband is pretty amazing, and all of the kids are sweet as can be. They have the normal fights over toys or sharing. But the adjustment so far as been natural and nearly drama free. I know bragging right - before you roll your eyes I promise it’s not all perfect! And I’m sure there will be many many bumps in the road...currently and probably for a LONG  it’s the ex wife/bio mom. At first I tried to be kind and communicative. But well that just was thrown in my face. I do get that the bio mom and step mom roles typically mean they won’t be besties. But we have seen her need for control go off the scales. Lately she has been hounding us to make sure we do not feed her kids ANY sugar. Sending frequent texts about how terrible it is etc. our reality is giving our kids healthy food, but hey sometimes it isn’t organic farm raised chicken with roasted vegetable. Pizza or a burger isn’t daily but probably once a week.  A treat after dinner is pretty common. It’s just constant control, texts about what they can or can’t eat, can or can’t watch on TV. Everything is a problem. I feel like I’m defending a life and routines that I think are great. 

She’s also been after us recently because my husband gave his 5 year old son melatonin. He did this 2 nights when everyone had to be up super early and stepson would not settle done. My husband took a child’s melatonin pill and gave him 1/4 of the pill. She texted us both multiple articles and how having a healthy bedtime routine should be enough. 

The control, the condescension it’s blood boiling. First, now my husband is worried she can take him to court over this melatonin issue is that even something she could do? 

Also how can we get her to stop micromanaging our lives? I can’t deal with the kids going back to their mom’s on Sunday and the barrage of criticism we receive afterwards. I joke with my friends that she thinks my husband and I just sit in some filthy house in dirty clothes drinking beer and feeding our kids skittles all day! In all reality we keep a pretty decent home together. Both of us work so hard to make sure all is taken care of. 

So frustrated and if anyone can give some insight I would be so grateful!

SteppedOut's picture

Both you and your husband need to just stop responding to nonsense messages. Don't even entertain her bullshit.

Honestly, you don't even need to receive her text messages. Block her and your husband can deal with her as she is his ex not yours.

Winterglow's picture

Firstly, both of you should stop sharing any information that does not concern the child's safety with bm. What happens in your home is not her business and it only invites her unwelcome opinions.

Secondly, ask your dh to tell her that, as of now, he will only be communicating with her, and only accepting communication from her, via email. No more phone calls, no more text messages. Unless their CO stipulates otherwise, they only need one channel of communication. Email tends to slow people down (can't usually fire them off as fast as you can a text!) and discourages them somewhat. That should at least reduce the number of messages.

Thirdly, Our Family Wizard would be a blessing for you. Read up on it and see if your dh can't get it court-ordered.

Harry's picture

What happen in your home is none of her business.  You try to eat healthy, that enough.  BM will only get worst trying to control everything going on in your home.  You have to stop it now.  

susanm's picture

The ss is only 5.  How does the BM know he was given melatonin?  

Bib93's picture

Not 100% sure. I’m assuming it was something he mentioned at bedtime to his mom? We were surprised as it’s not a habit. It was a 2 night deal. 

susanm's picture

I just thought it was odd that a 5 year old would remember the word "melatonin" and be able to repeat it to his mother.  Even if he would happen to tell her that his father gave him something before bed, I am guessing that your DH confirmed it and told her what it was.  I would suggest that your problems could be reduced by limiting the amount of unnecessary information BM is being given.  Your household is run how you see fit and so is hers.  There is nothing wrong with having different rules in different homes.  Kids adjust.  There are different rules at school, at their daycare, at their church or sports events, and at their friends houses.  Giving them the false expectation that the rules will be the same everywhere is not necessary.  The simple fact is that they do have two separate homes and that is that.

tog redux's picture

How much custody time does DH have?  Sounds like it's just an every other weekend thing?

As far as the food goes, ignore her.  Giving the kid melatonin is something that should probably be run by his pediatrician, because not all over the counter drugs are safe for everyone (and I kind of agree that a good bedtime routine should be enough at 5, and giving him drugs to knock him out seems excessive.)  Be mindful, too that the dose on the box is not what the pediatrician would recommend, but is probably much higher than a 5-year-old needs. Melatonin is different than, say cough medicine, which is easily bought and used, and you know when it's needed.

Anyway, I think most of this he should ignore.  But I think YOU should ignore all of it, it's his battle to fight.

And she can take him to court for just about anything, but if he already only has every other weekend, they won't change anything.

strugglingSM's picture

Your husband needs to set boundaries with his ex wife. When the kids are with him, he is the parent. He should make it clear that he will block her from communicating with him via text if she is only going to use that privilege to meddle.

I also agree with the comments above, ask your husband to stop showing you all of BM’s crazy texts. He needs to shield you from that drama or it will drive a wedge into your relationship. 

Chi123's picture

I am currently in a similar situation as you.  The BM has gone as far as try to control what music the kids can and cannot listen to or what kind of kid movies they can see. It does become annoying because we cannot do and hear what we want when they are here. I try to ignore it but at the end the kids tell their mom what they did that day and she starts to send messages to husband about what not to do when they are here. 

simifan's picture

When exH was in court the judge stressed to BM that parenting differences are not cause for a changes in custody. ExH cosistently texted back this same sentence. It worked she eventually stopped this nonsense. Your DH should pic a consistent response and send it everytime she starts this nonsense. BM has no authority to make parenting decisions in your home. 

Bex_S's picture

She's just anxious because she's leaving her children in someone else's care. I know it's annoying, but cut her some slack. She's setting expectations of the care of her children by requesting their routine be similar to as it would be with her, and from what what you're saying, you're ignoring them. No wonder she's "harrassing" you. Believe me, having one set of rules in one house and a different set in another is going to come back and bite all your arses. Even with little things like sugar intake; kids are very clever at playing one off against the other with "well I'm allowed to do that at their house". Imagine you're in her position. She trusts her ex's partner with the care of her kids, and said partner ignores everything she says and thinks she can raise her kids better; that's quite the kick in the teeth, don't you think? At least you have a BM who gives a shit; there are so many deadbeat BMs referenced on this site. And this isn't going to be popular, but she's right about the Melatonin. If I found that someone was effectively drugging my child to sleep, I'd kick off too.

Bib93's picture

I’m really offended by you post. I never ever thought or said I could raise BM’s kids better. That is their mom and I will never be “better”. But why do I have to let her mandate how our household runs and what routines we keep in place? That seems a little unfair. In your opinion why would anyone get remarried after divorce if the BM gets to call all of the shots? 

tankh21's picture

These kids have two parents not just the BM. BM cannot makes decisions in the OP's home. What is annoying is that this BM is overbearing and tries to dictate what goes on in OP's home. OP's DH is a parent as well and should be able to parent his kid's on his visitation. How is it a kick in the teeth if you ignores someone's annoying "mommy knows best" texts or phone calls? I don't agree with giving a 5 year old melatonin though. OP your DH needs keep the communication between the BM to a minimum and doesn't need to tell her every little thing that goes on in your home.

Monkeysee's picture

She trusts her ex's partner with the care of her kids, and said partner ignores everything she says and thinks she can raise her kids better; that's quite the kick in the teeth, don't you think?

Actually she’s trusting the *father of their mutual children* with the care of their kids, and believe it or not he’s an equal parent to her. She doesn’t have the right to dictate terms within his home, and is crossing plenty of boundaries in behaving this way.

There are plenty of things BM does within her home with the boys that DH doesn’t agree with, but they’re in no danger. It’s personal preference, and he keeps his trap shut. Her house her rules. BM doesn’t have to like what OP & her DH feed the kids, it’s 100% out of her control & they need to stop responding to that nonsense. 

GoingWicked's picture

  I think my SD’s problem is that her mom is the exact opposite of this.  Her BM complains about anything that might make herself upset, never mind SD’s feelings or wellbeing.  She was upset about me taking 4 y/o SD to story time at the library during DH’s time.  Crazy lady.  I’d be thrilled if she actually took notice of things that would benefit her daughter.

I may be in the minority, but I could totally be this BM.  Which is probably why I stay in my marriage.  We eat paleo, because autoimmune diseases run rampant in my family, cancer as a young person and type 2 diabetes in DH’s family.  My DH and I have had to dig ourselves out of holes these last few years with diet (which I can say is a heck of a lot better than doing the alternative: medications).  

We don’t want that for our kids, and my oldest gets eczema and diarrhea to the point of weight loss if fed it.  They can’t have sugar, dairy or grains, and I would be very upset if anyone fed them this stuff.  

 I would also be concerned about giving a kid melatonin without a physician’s guidance.  

I can’t see caring about the tv unless they came home talking about sex/drugs/violence then I’d probably say something.

You could just put her on ignore, that’s your right, but I think it would be best for the kids, and probably yourselves if you are able to come to a compromise.  Like skittles for only one meal a week.  Then she’d know what to expect out of you and she might stop the pestering.

Frustrated future SM's picture

I agree with bex_s and goingwicked. I'd want my DD to have consistency in both homes if BF and I split. I'd expect us to compromise to make sure our daughter is being parented maybe not identically in both homes, but as close as possible.

I'd definitely be concerned about the sugar. My DD is a baby but I've noticed the high amounts of sugar in store bought purees so I now make them myself. Diabetes runs in my family and strokes run in BF's family, so instilling healthy eating habits in DD is a must. I am also against giving a child melatonin without consent from a pediatrician. Kids really do just need a bedtime routine and consistency.

The child should watch/listen to age appropriate things. My dad had security settings on my TV growing up so that I wasn't able to watch TV past a certain time and I couldn't watch shows with certain ratings. I plan to do that with DD as well.

I'm assuming this is her first child and I attend first time mom groups, so it is common for first time moms to be controlling. Most don't even realize how controlling and annoying they're being, I didn't but I've definitely gotten better about being less controlling when DD is not with me. Everyone is not going to take care of her like I do or as well as I do and I just needed to accept that. This is new for them and they want to make sure they're doing things right and don't mess up their child.

You should be thankful that she actually cares and loves her child that deeply to be concerned about what's going on when the child is not in her care. There definitely are tons of stories on here about BM's who couldn't care less about their kids. Why not just go along with the things that aren't a big deal and avoid the confrontations.

Monkeysee's picture

If you separate from the father of your child(ren), you don’t get to call the shots anymore about things like diet, bedtime, electronics etc in your exes home. I can imagine it’s a tough thing to let go of control of, but it’s no longer your place. 

The only way what you’re suggesting would work is if both parents have identical parenting values & are in agreement about these things. Otherwise it’s their house & their rules. 

We allow different things in our house than BM does. They have different rules in both houses. The boys have tried mentioning this, complaining that they can’t play certain games at BM’s house & play the parents against one another & our response is always ‘mums house mums rules, you need to listen to your mother’. We’ve only had to do this a few times & they figured out quick that trying to play us that way wasn’t going to work. Kids are smart. You don’t need to control your ex or his house to ensure the kids are properly cared for.

Bib93's picture

Thank you all for the comments. I think first I want to say that we don’t think we can raise our kids “better” than anyone else. We are just doing the absolute best we can with the time and resources we have. The problem is these critiques and demands from BM are daily. I fully agree on ignoring them, and we mostly do. I think it’s just that it’s a predictable daily thing. Where it almost feels like we are just these big old idiots that need to be told how to do things a different way. My spouse and I both have graduate degrees and work in healthcare. We are by no means uneducated. Stepson was given a quarter of a child’s dose. We do have a bedtime routine, with each child drinking their milk, brushing their teeth, multiple books read, backs scratched, hands held. But well there were 2 exceptions- 2 nights that we both had to be up and out with kids before 7am. And sure enough, that’s where we went wrong. I think also my frustration is we make sure these kids are good to go in every department. Child support is paid on time and more often early. My husband’s family and my family pick up the slack when she needs an extra night or day off. So I guess I feel like it’s you scratch my back and i’ll bite yours type deal? I don’t know..I just don’t get how being the BM means she’s gets to mandate what we do in our home. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and it was because it was recommended to me by her pediatrician along with no screen time past 5 pm and a bedtime routine.  She was getting up in the middle of the night to play and waking everyone up.

fourbrats's picture

of being this BM.....including getting into a screaming match with my ex over DS being allowed to play Grand Theft Auto. I don't even censor much of anything and never have but GTA was banned from my home early on (DS is almost 24 now) and even though the kids are teens and adults it's still banned....DH doesn't have a copy. What made it worse was that two years before SM threw a fit that DS was reading Harry Potter. So book about boy wizard bad but video game depicting the beating of sex workers was okay. SMDH. It was not my finest moment. 

Overall I think separate rules over the little things is fine and then agreements over the big things. And I wouldn't give the kiddo melatonin anymore. Driving? That's a big thing and the parents should agree. Elective medical procedures? Big punishments for really bad behaviors? All things to agree over. Generally speaking a moderate diet, reasonable access to popular culture and entertainment, and reasonable freedoms can be decided in each home. 

BethAnne's picture

This is what I would do in your situation:

1. Block BM from your phone. You have no need to talk to each other and the stress is not worth it. 

2. I would recomend that your husband send an email or a text telling his ex that in he provides a healthy and safe environment for the children when they are with him but that how he does that is up to him to decide and that he will no longer respond to messages about how he should parent on his time. Should there be any genuine medical concerns from a doctor he will be open though to discussing how best to coordinate care for the children with her. 

3. He then either flat out ignores every message of this nature, or comes up with a standard response that he repeats every time she sends this type of message. Something like: Thank you for your concern. The children are healthy and safe.... OR...I always ensure the children are well cared for in my home. ...OR...some other bland phrase. 

Step 2 could be skipped out, if he feels it would not be useful. But the general idea is to bore BM and present her with a wall so that she (hopefully) gets the picture and stops trying to control both homes. 

It might also be worth chating to the kids are reinforcing the idea that there are different rules in each home and that, that is ok. 

 

 

Rags's picture

A common mantra in STalker land is "Ignore the whore."  Take that advice.  

Now for a question.  How did BM know about the melatonin?  I can't see a kid saying anthing about it unless BM is grilling the kids when they return to her. In which case DH needs to climb up her manipulative interfering ass and set her straight.

No more taking calls, texts, emails etc...regarding her manic need to control your home, marriage and family.  She gets zero say about what goes on in your home, how you and DH parent YOUR children while they are in YOUR home, and how the kids are fed, how they sleep, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc......... Block her and go to one of those net based blended family communication services.  For sure keep each and every email, text and a transcript of every manipulative interfering call so you can smack her around with her crap in court if it comes to that.

In short... Ignore the whore but document, document, document..

 

Bib93's picture

We for sure did not tell her about the melatonin- apparently he said something about a vitamin we gave him at night and she put 2 and 2 together. But I think she does grill them pretty intensely.  So no way to know 100%. 

She is officially blocked. And that helped feel less vulnerable. Strange how that one little thing helped. And I’ll definitely need to keep in mind the documenting. Hope I won’t ever need to play that card, but these days you never know.  

Rags's picture

With my SS's SpermClan documenting everything gave us an edge that helped keep their manipulations of SS and our family to a minumum.  Wlhen we went to court we went loaded for bear and with reems of information.  Spermidiot arrest records, recordings of every telephone conversation, every vitriolic voice mail left by the SpermGrandHag, a running invoice of every penny of medical espenses not covered by insurance that the SpermClan refused to pay their half of, etc....   As he got older nad started to pick on the maniplations that the SpermClan played against him we would find him hip deep in our Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinet identifying the facts when their bullshit did not pass his smell test.  We made sure he knew the content of the CO, the supplemental county rules regarding visitation and support, the state regulations, the details of the Spermidiot's arrest record and gangbanger wannabe activities, etc, etc, etc....

At 26 he is fully informed and capable of protecting himself from their bullshit.  His mom and I felt that it was important for him to have the facts since his SpermClan was hell bent on manipulating him and us and did anything they could for the 16+ years that we lived under the CO.

I suggest that you start countering the BM's toxic manipulations of the Skids and attempts to interfere in your family with a commitment to barring her ass in court, publically, and keeping the Skid(s) abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner.   Documentation is a key element of that.

Good luck.

Take care of  you.

Headmayexplode's picture

We deal with a controlling BM by allowing her to think she has control. So the texts about “wash hair tonight” are ignored and not responded to and we carry on as normal. The texts to skids saying “remember to have an early night” are ignored by everyone and we carry on with our plans as normal. 

It took me a long long time to stop thinking she has control. She doesn’t, unless I allow it or do as she says when it doesn’t fit. 

Easier said than done, but ignoring it all and not responding, allowing her to think she has just told us what to do gives us a relatively easy life and let’s her think she is the parent with full control of skids.