Wife and I have different standards
I need some help with this. I have 4 children from 16-23. I have a 13 year old SD and a 16 year old SS. When my wife and I were dating she made it clear that it was strange that my kids wouldn't rinse their plates and put them in the dishwasher. This really bothered her and she made a point of letting me know it was her "one pet peeve". I talked to my kids and even spoke to my ex about it, she helped get the kids doing it. My kids are very well behaved, all worked from 14 on and contributed around the house.
Ok, here is my dilemma. I have a few pet peeves.
1. Don't waste money - step kids won't turn off lights or tv or shut the refrigerator door, ever.... Step kids won't eat what they buy at a restaurant and they always buy an app and the largest entree.... She always lets them pick the restaurant, even when I've already picked it, drives me bananas.... When eating at home, they will skip whatever meal was prepared for them and toss the remainder on their plate. They immediately head towards the ice cream or snacks... My kids won't do any of this, even though they were raised in a much wealthier environment.
2. Don't brake my stuff - The step kids walk on the furniture, won't take their dirty shoes off in the home, put their feet with shoes on the dash or center console of our vehicles, throw my clean clothes out of the dryer on the laundry room floor...
3. Don't hurt anyone including yourself - I only have two things on this that bug me and one is not really fitting. They won't buckle up in the car, even when told. Finally, they listen to the worst music in the world, "girl so shallow, but p&$$y so deep", were some of the words to a song that was the subject of a recent incident in the car. After that, I implemented a rule, whoever is driving, picks the music. Bring your headphones if you don't like it.
That's it. My wife thinks I have too many rules. Am I unreasonable?
"Step kids won't eat what
"Step kids won't eat what they buy at a restaurant and they always buy an app and the largest entree...." As long as the kids are using their money, why does it matter??
"She always lets them pick the restaurant, even when I've already picked it, drives me bananas...." Why do you allow this happen? If you picked place A and they decide to go to place B, tell them to have fun and go to place A. Do this ONCE and your will get the picture. By going to place B, you are telling your wife that you are fine with her kids having the final say.
Well of course you have too
Well of course you have too many rules... for a wife and skids who have no intentions of following rules to start with.
On the restaurant of choice and the seatbelt thing. Has it never occurred to you to just get out of the vehicle and stay home? Get in a separate vehicle and go dine where you please?
You don't need some help. You need to take control of your home. That's my couch and my carpet, get the h*ll off. It's quite simple. Pigs belong out in a barn.
Yes! This works...been there,
Yes! This works...been there, doing exactly this.
I'm sorry but what kind of
I'm sorry but what kind of relationship is that? I get the disengaging thing, I really do but to what extent? If she's unwilling to discipline the kids or train them, what's the point for this guy to stick around? So as it stands, he'd be more of a guest in his own house and kids running amuck, that's not fair to him. It would be better to be single, live on his own and have a lady friend.
He should have a voice in his own house. His DW should at least meet his expectations for house rules if they were to sit down and create some. He should also stick up for himself and demand respect from her and her kids. If that can't come to life, he's once again, better off alone.
I hear you, I do. I just get
I hear you, I do. I just get so worked up over people not sticking up for themselves and tip-toeing around issues.
No he can't force her but it's his life too. If my DW wasn't open to hear my suggestions and create rules for the kids that we both agree on and enforce, what does that leave the man with? Rollin over and "yes dear" her to death? That's a sad life for this guy.
I'd rather be alone haha.
Thanks all. We have her 2,
Thanks all. We have her 2, 50% of the time and my youngest about 20% of the time (she lives in another state). We share finances, so some of the ideas about making her pay don't really work. She does work, but I make many times more than her and I see the waste and disregard for money as taking from my own kids. My kids were raised to order below the host, if I order a cheeseburger they wouldn't order a steak. Her kids order a steak topped with blue cheese and 3 sides, eat 3 bites and are full because they filled up on appetizers. My kids order water in a restaurant because they see $3 soft drinks as a waste of money. Hers order fresh squeezed strawberry lemonade or smoothies. Her argument is "my kids are good kids", but good or bad isn't the issue, it's mannered, polite and thoughtful where they fall short. This all gets under my skin as you can tell.
Man up and take back control
Man up and take back control of YOUR money (and your balls). I have way more money than my DH. I am quite generous - but no way would I allow my DH or skid to just throw my hard earned money away on crap. I have no problem with DH giving modest ($25-$50)gifts to skidmark and his spawn. But my DH would find himself penniless if he let skidmark take advantage of me.
Your "rules" are basic
Your "rules" are basic parenting lessons.
No kid or adult gets to ride in my car if they don't buckle up. I don't put the vehicle in gear until everyone is buckled up. This is for everyone's safety.
If my DD ever removed DH's and my laundry from the dryer without folding or hanging up, she would lose laundry room privileges and would have to use a laundromat for her laundry. That smacks of disrespect to me.
I would not go to a restaurant if I never got to choose. We usually have a general consensus or we rotate who chooses with the veto reserved by the adults.
To be fair, it is one of my pet peeves when DH or DD doesn't rinse their dish and put it in the dishwasher. It is quick and saves a lot of scrubbing.
I'm not trying to give you a
I'm not trying to give you a hard time here but what is wrong with you? Why do you even let this happen? You have a voice!
Your pet peeves are very basic rules of respect and boundaries. I've had many issues similar to yours. SD9 always left doors open, lights on, clothes on the floor, she still orders stuff but doesn't eat it and them complains she's hungry 20 min later. Thing is, I'm on her every single time. She's only once disrespected me and I chewed her out right in front of DW. I told her if she ever disrespects me like that again, I'll spank her ass right in front of her mom. Then I gave DW an ear full too. I'll destroy my marriage before I put up with that kids shit!
This has caused a lot of problems with DW but I told her what my expectations are and how I expect the same from any kid, hers doesn't get a free pass. I even started to disengage but that didn't work. I have found to choose my battles works for the best but honestly, the disrespect should never fly. So don't let it, you Sir are a Man, act like it and put those kids in their place. If DW isn't open to your requests, start looking for the door. Because you'll never have respect in your own house!
I have to agree with a lot
I have to agree with a lot of the other posters in terms of you setting boundaries. You have personal ones and family house rules. And they are not unreasonable. You are entitled to have order and harmony in your home. You are entitled to be respected.
No matter how much we all complain about ours skids the core issue is their lazy or bad parents and the frightful fact that we married one of them. My husband disrespects me in front of my SD on occasion. It is better than it was before though. I told my SD that if she causes an argument between my husband and myself over her shitty behavior, she is the one who will get it worse. If my husband gets on me in front of her I will give it right back to him and then SD knows she is in for worse later. My SD's bad behavior will not be overshadowed by a difference in parenting or an argument. She will face the consequences eventually.
I have really had to battle to maintain my boundaries but like the other poster, I will choose losing my marriage over losing my right to be respected in my own home by ALL who live there.
Nope, not unreasable in the
Nope, not unreasable in the least. Even if your wife does not agree I believe it is time to come down on these pigs like a ton of crap in a 10# sack.
From now on they follow the rules. Since your bride is incapable of comprehending reasonable rules you make them and post them then circle everyone around the table for a reading of the rules and to look each of them in the eye and inform them that the rules apply immediately and any violation will be addressed with immediate and siginficant consequences.
Abuse of household contents (furniture, etc...) will result in the immediate denial of use of those items for an extended period (say a month). If a kid abuses furniture the kid does not use any furniture. They get the floor or they stand.
Shoes on in the house... shoes are taken and thrown away. Immediately.
The driver picks the music.
The driver goes to the restaurant that the driver wants unless previously discussed and agreed
Order what you want but it must be approved by YOU before the order is placed. If they have a history of not eating what is ordered then YOU dictate what each can order.
Music must be acceptable to the adults in the home and will be vetted for the age of the primary listener. Any violation will result in the device playing the music going in the dishwasher immediately.
Any clothing in the dryer that is dry will be put in a clean laundry basket and taken to the room of the owner of the clothing. If clean clothing is removed from the dryer and thrown on the floor the person violating that rule will do everyone's laundry in the home including washing, drying, folding, and placing on the clothing owners bed neatly for a MONTH!
Anyone violating the wasting of money rule will pay the utility bill for the next month. Kids without jobs and unable to pay cash will work off the bill at the rate of $1/hr. I am not talking mild work. I am talking sweaty, nasty, dirty, oppresive hard labor. Cleaning, polishing, disting, scrubbing, mowing, weeding, trimming, scraping, sanding, painting, slicing, dicing, chopping, cutting, cooking, etc.....
If the little crotch droppings can't listen then they will have to feel.
Bring the feel!!!!