Why does DH refuse to parent his children?
Ok, I'm just going to say it. I don't like my stepkids. Should I run now while you get your pitchforks and torches for the witch hunt?
I have been together with my DH for going on 8 years. Both stepkids were young children when we met.
Throughout all the years, I have had the same argument with my DH about his children. It is basically about his refusal to "parent" them.
At first, he never chastised them when they did anything wrong when they were with us, which I thought was because he didn't want to be disciplining them the whole time they were with us. But as the years have gone on, nothing has changed. He still refuses to say anything to them. If they argue and SS gets physical with SD, he doesn't say anything, it's always me that steps in. If there is cleaning up to do, DH never says anything, it is always me telling the step kids to clean their rooms/bathroom/mess. If there are ANY parenting issues, he refuses, for whatever reason in his mind, to say or do anything about it. Even when SS15 had a terrible, and I mean TERRIBLE school report at the end of this school year, where he is close to failing, and he is being a smart@ss to his teachers, DH STILL didn't say anything to him. He just lets him get away with anything. There are no consequences for poor behaviour.
He doesn't "require" anything from them, they are just blobs that lay around all day watching tv and eating us out of house and home, and disrespecting our home.
My BS10 lives with us, and he has more gumption, get-up-and-go and vimm about him than both of my stepkids combined.
So this school holidays, step kids have been with us already for 4 weeks of the 6 weeks they get off school. Their own mother doesn't want them, but that's entirely another story.
In that 4 weeks, I have told them umpteen dozen times to pick up their clothes, hang up their towels, wipe down the bench, clean up their rooms, turn their fans off, turn their tv's off, clean up their mess, stop eating on my lounge, close the back door - you know how it goes. And STILL after 4 weeks of me repeating myself like a broken record, they haven't adapted their behaviour, they haven't learned what is expected of them in our home. I feel like I am the only one willing to say anything to them, their father just doesn't see the same things that I see I guess, I don't know.
So today, I went out for a half hour, when I came back, they had all eaten lunch (my BS10 is not with us at the moment, he's at his fathers). So when I say they, I mean SD14, SS15 and DH were here and had prepared and eaten their lunch. I came back to an absolute $hit fight. My kitchen in my brand new home that we have only just moved in to 3 weeks ago, was trashed. Dishes everywhere, crumbs and stuff all over the counter top and floors, spilled stuff on the floors, food left on the bench - you know - a real bomb site! So I started to clean it up while my DH was out in the yard working. All the while seething over the fact that these kids who are 14 and 15 are old enough to have picked up their stuff, packed it away and cleaned up the mess and their dishes. I mean, it wouldn't hurt them to chip in a little when required, but they NEVER do! So when my DH came inside, I let him have it, because I can't yell at these kids, I have this constant feeling that they hate me already and view me as the evil stepmother, so I just can't yell at them like I would if they were my own children. So I let DH have it. His response was "I do it to" meaning that he cleans up after them too, but hey, you shouldn't be cleaning up after them - you should be making them responsible for their own stuff, teaching them. It's not punishment to have to clean up after yourself, it's life! And we all have to do it eventually.
So does anyone deal with similar situations? Where DH is just not "active" in their kids parenting/disciplining? I just don't think he teaches his kids anything by not expecting anything of them.
Any advice welcome.
Super Frustrated Step Mother Who Is About To Explode!
It is sometimes the guy and
It is sometimes the guy and his personality.
I thought my dh was soft on the skids, and he thought I was just mean. Then we had bios. I am actually harder on my bios that I have with him, and he doesn't discipline them at all. Hence the reason I have to be harder on them or it would be utter chaos.
I have to tell them to clean up, I have to tell them no, etc, I have to plan activities and parties. This was all new to me because I had bios with my first husband, and he demanded respect and discipline. He was a very involved parent, as where my current husband is much more laid back.
I would sit your dh down and put down house rules that are about respect and reduced chaos. Make it seem as if you are not attacking the skids. It is harder when you have skids because the one parent will see it as you are picking on the skid, when in reality you just want a peaceful, clean life.
It's easier for all involved
It's easier for all involved to let you do the work and resent it. You have to make it HURT before there will be any changes. When there are no consequences for them, they are going to keep on just as they are. I know it's hard--I HATE clutter and filth.
Do NOT do laundry that you have to retrieve from their rooms, floors, etc. Depending on what you'd prefer, they can either do their own laundry or you can wash what they manage to get into the laundry basket. When they run out of undies or whatever, they will come to you and whine. You shrug and say "The laundry basket was empty" or "You should have done your wash".
Kitchen a wreck? Leave it. Take yourself out for a meal. Don't buy any groceries. When they run out of food and dishes, they will come to you about that too. Tell them once they clean it up and keep it that way, you might buy some groceries.
Don't clean their rooms, bathroom, etc. If they want to live in complete filth behind closed doors, let them. Tell your DH that if an odor or pest problem develops you expect him to deal with it either by making the skids clean up or him doing it for them.
Of course some people are just pigs and will live in filth and wear dirty clothes, have rodents in the house, etc. In that case, you need to be ready to pack you and your kid up and head to cleaner quarters--and let your DH know it's THAT important. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to get people to quit the laziness and take action.
I don't even go in my skids rooms because they are horrible. DH cleaned SS12s room this weekend (teaching him responsibility right...), SD10s room is a disaster. He claims he isn't going to give them their allowance unless they clean/maintain their rooms. We'll see. They already know that the first time he goes to the store with them and they say "I want" he will buy, allowance or not.
These men move at the speed
These men move at the speed of pain.
I was in the same situation
I was in the same situation as you not long ago. In my case, I made it way too easy for my husband not to have to parent his child right from the start. I started off by doing everything for my SD - cooking for her, cleaning up after her, getting her ready for the day, getting her ready for bed, helping her use the washroom, etc. And my husband just let me do it because it made his life easier. It got old for me pretty quickly and I stopped doing things for SD when my husband kept expecting me to put in all the effort but he wouldn't let me have a say in the rules SD followed or the way she was disciplined. I told him he couldn't have it both ways.
My husband didn't fully get where I was coming from until we went to counselling together. Now he's a lot better about actually parenting SD. Have you considered going to counselling with your husband?
I make a list for each kid -
I make a list for each kid - 1 chore per day. The SKids only have chores when they're here. BD gets chores when she's here. If kids leave stuff out - shoes, clothes, etc. I keep it. They have to earn it back. If I have to pick up their crap then they need to repay me with an extra chore. BD is horrible at leaving dirty clothes in her bathroom (which is the guest bathroom too on our main floor). So I pick it up and she has to vacuum my car or something like that to get it all back. If they made a mess at lunch, turn the TV off, take the remotes, phones, etc. And they can have them back as soon as it's cleaned up.
Here's where I'm at with it - you're unhappy - what's it matter if they don't like you? You will be less unhappy cleaning up their crap - transfer that onto them. OR, make their dad do it. Either he'll get sick of it and make them do it, or he will clean it up himself. He shouldn't have gone on to do yard work without cleaning up the mess or telling the kids to - that's inconsiderate.
I think I am married to your
I think I am married to your husband's twin. Same exact scenario. Skids don't have any chores they're not responsible for cleaning and when they do clean they do a crappy job but they are told it is a great job by their father and when I say it's a crappy job then guess who gets called a bitch? Currently have SS 19 living at home works maybe 10 hours a week while DH and I work full-time and do all the housework and all the yardwork. SS 19 doesn't do anything without being asked and we have to say please as well. SS 19 does the minimum and then usually does a crappy job that has to be fixed by DH or myself. It has been this way for eight years and I am just an enabler I guess because I love DH too much to leave him so I've been putting up with this crap for a long damn time. We are moving almost 2000 miles away next month and all SS are staying here. Hallelujah!
It really doesn't matter
It really doesn't matter whether you do things for them anyway. It doesn't matter whether you care about them.
I made sure SS has everthing he needed, from clothes to school supply, plus many other things. He called me the bearer of bad news. I guess I am indeed, because he's the freaking bad news - but of course he wouldn't think so lol.
You will not find the mob of villagers chasing the monster here.
You are safe. At least for the most part.
Yes, there are not many of us who do not or at least have not dealt with similar crap.
So, here is how my DW and I worked out the parenting balance regarding my Skid (SS-29) who was an only child in our home from age 2yo to age 18yo during or years living under a CO. My DW was the CP so we had him nearly full time, 24/7. except for his 7 weeks of visitation per year with the SpermClan. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).
My DW was not a bad parent but was notably blind to Skid shit compared to me. So, I parented and did so in ways that got both of their attention. DW would upon occasion balk at my parenting and how I disciplined and when she did I told her that if she did not like how I parented and disciplined she could step up and get it done before I had to or bite her tongue and have my back until we could discuss it in private.
As far gone as your DH is with failing as your husband and as a parent to your SKids, it is time for a scorched earth tactic to resolve this crap. Immediately implement the clean it or live the wrath of Glorified-maid. Raising your voice works. Since you are already the SM, go ahead and demonstrate what an evil SM does to ill mannered piglet failed family progeny who fail to contribute to your home with live in beck-and-call kid cleaning services. Start piling all of their mess on your DH's side of your marital bed. Start texting him pics of messes, TVs left on, etc, etc, etc and tell him to deal with it immediately or you will and neither he or his failed family progeny will like it if you have to.
Start bagging their shit and putting it on the curb with the garbage when they leave a mess, DH's stuff included. An escalating state of abject misery is a strong motivator for behavioral change. Pain drives behavioral change.
So, apply the pain and change their behaviors.
Lather.............. rinse................... repeat until they demonstrate that they will care for and respect your home as you demand that it be cared for and respected.
I am furious for you. Time to smack your DH on the back of the head (figuratively of course) and turn your home into the epicenter of escalating misery for his children until he either fixes their behavioral crap or they catch a clue and fix it themselves to avoid the misery of non compliance to the standards you set and enforce.