What will make ex move on?
What will make her leave DH alone?
DH won't set boundaries in case she gets upset and stops him seeing their DD. I have witnessed her breakdown so I know why DH wants to avoid it but when will it end.
We have our own DS together and want to expand our family. Does having more children than the ex help to drive her away and make her realise DH has really moved on?
I fear she will be overshadowing our marriage for the rest our lives. I can't cope with her constant need to be part of DH's life. She wants to be his BFF and feel important to him. I am sure she still has feelings for him. She is so focused on DH it's unlikely she will meet someone else. They were never married. DH has no interest in being her BFF but puts up with her to keep the peace. This is hurting and embarrassing me in the process.
It most likely won't end if
It most likely won't end if your DH keeps allowing it. He has to stop being afraid of her. He has to know his legal rights and take her power away. Does he have a court order for visitation?
He is the one who really has
He is the one who really has to set boundaries, or it will never end. He should be more worried about losing you and your growing family, then worrying about trying to appease his ex in order to guard the possibility of not seeing his kid.
He needs to realize that by trying to appease her, he is actually causing resentment to build up with his current wife and family, which could have more lasting effects on his kid.
My dh had to very clearly tell his grown ass ex-wife to not leave him alone. Apparently being ignored and trying to be cordial was not enough for her to be a descent human being of an ex. I would think that she would be humiliated at being told to leave her ex alone. It is sad that a grown ass woman can't move on like a mature adult. That her little mind can't get over the fact that she is not now nor will ever be a blimp on our radar of life.
Thanks all, You've confirmed
Thanks all,
You've confirmed what I already suspected. DH is the only one that can stop her. I just hoped at some point she would stop on her own. DH will not put her in her place so I'm stuck.
I agree losing me and our DS should be more important than appeasing BM. I wish he realised he has the opportunity to start fresh and be happy. If I was to ever leave things would get messier for him, I really don't want it to come to that. I have welcomed SD (we have a good relationship) and believed that we would be a family but most of the time it feels like he has two separate families, preferring to do things with SD alone and not include me. Like many men in this position he feels consumed with guilt. Ex's manipulation of DH (and sometimes SD) is stopping us from being completely happy. I don't know why she doesn't feel stupid that he has moved on and she has to keep reminding him of her existence. She calls upon him when she could easily call a girlfriend.
Unfortunately there is no court order. DH doesn't want to put their DD through it. He believes BM won't stick to the order anyway and it will just make things worse.We have SD EOWE sometimes more often.
To he honest, he isn't acting
To he honest, he isn't acting like a many who has moved on. If he is 8 respecting your marriage, you you can't expect BM to respect it.
Clearly he enjoys being there when she needs a friend. He isn't dealing with the courts because what they have in place works for them.
I don't think he enjoys it.
I don't think he enjoys it. Most of the time he looks depressed like he's had the life sucked out of him. When he speaks to her he's just waiting for her to finish so he can get off the phone. He doesn't want her to scream, cry and shout in front of SD like she did when they were together. He doesn't seek her out for conversations or friendship. If she left him to it he would only have relationship with SD. He tried to get her to move on once before but was unsuccessful so now he puts up with it out of fear. I do feel disrespected and embarrassed about how it looks to me, others and to her. I don't talk about it to anyone so it's completely consuming me. I'm so angry that this woman has so much access to DH and that he goes along with it. It was never meant to be like this.
He may be putting on an act
He may be putting on an act for you. He could put an end to all of this right now if he really wanted to.
I know as long as he allows
I know as long as he allows it she will keep on doing it. Just to clarify I think he will always carry the guilt. But BM makes it worse with her comments regarding me and our DS being 'more important' and her constant communication.
The only thing that made our
The only thing that made our BM start to "get over it" was her finding another victim. I predicted it many years before that when CS was getting to the end of the line, she would find another sucker and get pregnant again. She did. About a year before CS was due to end. She also got this guy to marry her so she is set. Much less time and energy spent towards my DH.
They were never married which
They were never married which upsets her
Things weren't always like this. They were at each others throats before we got married, the constant need to be close to DH started after.
When my DH and I both totally
When my DH and I both totally cut off all communication from BM, and I do mean ALL - she went squirrelly first then died away. The only way this works is through no more contact, and that means setting the boundaries and enforcing them.
As children age, there's no need for ex's to be in touch about anything. I like my son's dad just fine but we speak maybe a couple of times a year, in passing. For a few moments. That is all. I don't know how old your stepdaughter is, but as soon as she's old enough for a cell phone, there's very few times parents need to speak again. In healthy relationships, this isn't nescessary, but in toxic ones, it's mandatory. Puts kids in the middle sometimes, but consider it a teaching opportunity
Good luck!
I'm angry is the equivalent
I'm angry is the equivalent of me getting increasingly upset. Reading these comments and knowing that nothing is going to get better ever. Trying to address the issue with DH and hitting the same brick wall.
Thanks for the links I will check them out.
This post resonates deeply. I
This post resonates deeply. I wish my DH would send BM this.
Your BM behaves in the same way as DH's the difference is you are united with your wife whereas my DH would rather upset me than her. I don't think it's a conscious decision but nevertheless that is what occurs.
BM also pretends she is happy for us but she inserts herself into DH's life every chance she gets.
No one has control over the BM and what she decides to do but we can change our approach. DH doesn't need to give in and leave me feeling disrespected. I'm currently deciding what can be done to improve our situation.
Did you send this letter to EX and if so what was her response?
I understand. Does your ex
I understand.
Does your ex still make unreasonable requests? How do you deal with it? Is it as easy as just saying no?
Thanks for sharing.
With this type of toxic
With this type of toxic dipshitiot not much will make them move on. However .... they can be controlled and marginalized and they should be.
The only way I know to effectively deal with this type of individual is zero tolerance, total confrontation, absolute anihilation legally, professionally, socially, in their Church, etc....
Own her idiot ass and she will generally go where you lead her as long as she understands clearly that to twitch off of the path of reasonableness even a little bit will return so much pain that she would never risk it.
DH is doing himself, you, your children, or his prior relationship child no favors by failing to come down on BM like a ton of shit in a one pound bag. Until he steps up that leaves it to you to grab BM by the short and curlies and lead her to clarity.
Have fun. I sure did once I adopted this tactic with the Sperm Clan.
These women never move on,
These women never move on, you know why, because of the guy above. He just ignores her intrusions, he doesn't tell her to STOP! He holds the phone essentially while she blasts on him. This is for the good of the children- NO IT IS NOT!
My DH does the same as yours and yells its for the children, it's total bullshit. If he doesn't have a CO and CS, get ONE NOW!
If he has to take her to court, do it, everytime. She isn't going to stop and playing nice is just making it more enjoyable for her. Make it not enjoyable, make it ugly for her to be playing this game. Some psycho's never give up, but you shouldn't have to give up your family time for this psycho.
I finally have gotten my DH to stop answering her or calling her to "talk to the kids" but actually just listen to her bitch EVERY NIGHT. It finally took me throwing all my clothes in a suitcase for him to realize I was pissed and ready to take action.
Yes we still have ALOT of issues, and yes I am still trying to deal with nonsense. BM doesn't call like she use to and she isn't texting all hours of the day and night. I remind my darling husband like HOT COALS if she texts/calls for stupid stuff.
You can't control her but you can control your actions to her nonsense. Ignoring her isn't working, pretending for the good of SD isn't working FOR YOU!
These men need to realize and settle all this baggage before moving on. You can't have a relationship with ME if BM is constantly up your ass. I am slowly taking back my marriage, don't let it get to where you have to take it back, never loose it. By that I mean, if he thinks making her happy is more important, pack his bag and send him to her.
This is one of the best blog
This is one of the best blog responses I have read on this board. Good job Ladies and Gentlemen.